Further Teutonic Machinations, and the Plight of Our Hero
In light of continued German attempts to ensure my demise, I have found it necessary to be on the lookout at all times for Saxon agents of destruction. In fact, I am currently working on blueprints for an anti-German forcefield to protect me from their efforts: Powered by a copy of the Treaty of Versailles written in black goat's blood and a stereo recording of Der Ring des Nibelung being played in reverse, it should hopefully repel any negative waves sent in my direction. Why, just the other day, at the Office Despot, a pair of goth girls had me sell them multicoloured Post-It notes. As I added up the totals for these nefarious organizational aids, they nattered darkly amongst themselves in that garbled Saxon tongue so ideally inflected for Dark Magics. It is no wonder I shall soon have to leave that place, its aisles now ossuaries for the occult remains of vile Northern curses.
In the interest of diplomacy, however, I feel it necessary to make a few statements. They may, to delicate ears and eyes, seem perhaps overbold; but O! how I wish for the days again where one could afford not to speak with the utmost urgency and candour, when such blunt declarations were not the only viable means of communication! In any case, it must be stated here: For the duration of this conflict with the Teutons, certain among them, perhaps unaware of (or unable to prevent!) the evil deeds of their countrymen, are hereby to be placed on neutral ground, so aligned through the granting of honourary citizenship within other, less scheming nations. And so it is outlined below:
- Gunter Grass is now American.
- Bertolt Brecht was British.
- Charles Bukowski was born in L.A.
- Both Freud and Jung were French.
- Sauerkraut is Polish.
- Patrick Suskind is a Czech.
- Kaiser Wilhelm II's moustache was on loan from the Ukrainians.
- Nietzche is still a German.
Should there be any changes to postings listed above, I will make haste to notify the public immediately.
In the interest of diplomacy, however, I feel it necessary to make a few statements. They may, to delicate ears and eyes, seem perhaps overbold; but O! how I wish for the days again where one could afford not to speak with the utmost urgency and candour, when such blunt declarations were not the only viable means of communication! In any case, it must be stated here: For the duration of this conflict with the Teutons, certain among them, perhaps unaware of (or unable to prevent!) the evil deeds of their countrymen, are hereby to be placed on neutral ground, so aligned through the granting of honourary citizenship within other, less scheming nations. And so it is outlined below:
- Gunter Grass is now American.
- Bertolt Brecht was British.
- Charles Bukowski was born in L.A.
- Both Freud and Jung were French.
- Sauerkraut is Polish.
- Patrick Suskind is a Czech.
- Kaiser Wilhelm II's moustache was on loan from the Ukrainians.
- Nietzche is still a German.
Should there be any changes to postings listed above, I will make haste to notify the public immediately.