(no subject)
I often go through "glass half-full" and "glass half-empty" phases. I find it's easier to see the glass as half-empty, possibly because I tend to look at where I want to be, rather than where I've come from. This evening seemed like an empty glass night. I think it's because I look at other people and think how accomplished they are, compared to me and tend to downgrade the value of my own accomplishments. As an example, I give you Nate Green, who at the age of 18, started writing articles in international fitness magazines and at the age of 23 is already writing a book. I had the fortune to meet him at the JP Fitness Summit two years ago and he is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He is humble, honest, genuine and hot. He has an ambition that so few people at that age can fathom and he's living his dream. And possibly mine, heh. The guy just went and spent a weekend in Las Vegas working with one of the best trainers in the US at the UFC training facility. I look at my friend Tracy, who just won a silver medal at the Olympics in Beijing in the lightweight women's double. Tracy and I basically started rowing at the same time.
So, I think to myself, "What have I done? And what am I doing?" And this is the eternal question. I have spent my entire life in school. And now, I'm working and studying to be a plastic surgeon. I have 4 degrees including a PhD. But, in a lot of ways, I don't really see these as big accomplishments, even though, I know, cognitively that maybe they are. They just don't feel that way, maybe because I've already done them and I was lucky enough to have enough talent that I never really considered it hard work (with the exception of a few stages). I still remember the day I defended my PhD thesis, and how anti-clilmactic it felt. It just seemed like one minute I was not defended, and then 3 hours later, I was. And that was it. And it was just the normal course of events that I would be.
I was lucky enough to be one of 16 out of about 40-50 people who secured a residency spot in plastics. But it seems like whether you match or not is really a roll of the dice. The same, I would say, of medical school admission.
For some reason I constantly feel like I'm behind. Behind what? I have no idea. I'm not going to start actually working until I'm 38. Not only will I not actualy start working until I'm 38, I will be going through all the growing pains and crap that comes with starting work (trying to find an "entry level" position; having to deal with being the junior employee, etc) And that bothers me a lot. I feel like there are a lot of wasted years there and that I am, and have been, missing out. And by the time I am at a point in my life where I have the occupational and financial freedom to do those things, I feel like I'm going to be too old to do them. Yes, I know: age is a state of mind. But, in my day-to-day occupation, there are some things about age that are not.
An orthopedics fellow once told me, "This is not a race for the swift-footed." And I have been told, time and time again by very very wise and respected people that I need to let go of this age thing. But all around me, all I can seem to see is people who are accomplishing things; whether it's writing a book, winning a medal, or even just getting married and having a family. I see myself as single, overworked, relatively unchallenged (except by the sheer volume of stuff I have to memorize), in crippling debt, and not meeting my potential. I know I should see that as "free", "employed in a respected profession that helps people", "talented enough to be bored (except by the sheer volume of stuff I have to memorize)", "aware of the worth of money" and "full of potential", but today, I just don't feel that way. I feel, and always have felt (though it waxes and wanes) like the race horse chomping at the bit to get out of gates but seeingly forever trapped in the gate itself while the other horses are running happy, winning races.
I'm not having a pity party though. I just needed to express.
So, I think to myself, "What have I done? And what am I doing?" And this is the eternal question. I have spent my entire life in school. And now, I'm working and studying to be a plastic surgeon. I have 4 degrees including a PhD. But, in a lot of ways, I don't really see these as big accomplishments, even though, I know, cognitively that maybe they are. They just don't feel that way, maybe because I've already done them and I was lucky enough to have enough talent that I never really considered it hard work (with the exception of a few stages). I still remember the day I defended my PhD thesis, and how anti-clilmactic it felt. It just seemed like one minute I was not defended, and then 3 hours later, I was. And that was it. And it was just the normal course of events that I would be.
I was lucky enough to be one of 16 out of about 40-50 people who secured a residency spot in plastics. But it seems like whether you match or not is really a roll of the dice. The same, I would say, of medical school admission.
For some reason I constantly feel like I'm behind. Behind what? I have no idea. I'm not going to start actually working until I'm 38. Not only will I not actualy start working until I'm 38, I will be going through all the growing pains and crap that comes with starting work (trying to find an "entry level" position; having to deal with being the junior employee, etc) And that bothers me a lot. I feel like there are a lot of wasted years there and that I am, and have been, missing out. And by the time I am at a point in my life where I have the occupational and financial freedom to do those things, I feel like I'm going to be too old to do them. Yes, I know: age is a state of mind. But, in my day-to-day occupation, there are some things about age that are not.
An orthopedics fellow once told me, "This is not a race for the swift-footed." And I have been told, time and time again by very very wise and respected people that I need to let go of this age thing. But all around me, all I can seem to see is people who are accomplishing things; whether it's writing a book, winning a medal, or even just getting married and having a family. I see myself as single, overworked, relatively unchallenged (except by the sheer volume of stuff I have to memorize), in crippling debt, and not meeting my potential. I know I should see that as "free", "employed in a respected profession that helps people", "talented enough to be bored (except by the sheer volume of stuff I have to memorize)", "aware of the worth of money" and "full of potential", but today, I just don't feel that way. I feel, and always have felt (though it waxes and wanes) like the race horse chomping at the bit to get out of gates but seeingly forever trapped in the gate itself while the other horses are running happy, winning races.
I'm not having a pity party though. I just needed to express.