A Question
Sorry, this is waaaay too long, but I had a lot of thoughts... let's say this is the fruition of months of thinking and experinces.
The Question
Someone asked me a question the other day, one I had never thought of seriously before. The question was "So do you want to live in America?". I said to them that I had little interest in it, and to be honest thought that it was not a possiblity. However, there has been a quiet repetitive voice of "what if?" in the back of my head...
Firstly, I want to say that I have not fallen in love, with anything out here really. Michigan is (sorry guys) a pretty bum place. The weather really gets me down. Michigan is not just economically depressing. However, the thought of living in (sunnier) America has just occured to me, literally five minutes ago. I have had no thoughts about it before typing up this entry. These thoughts are coming now.
The Dream
America is a culture I am quite familiar with, but not totally at comfort in. However, it really is a land of opportunity. I see it in the college here - people really have high sights and goals. People plan to be the best. People plan to be actors, directors, doctors, lawyers, business leaders. Not that I never spent time with people like this (I did go to Methody, like). This isn't like Northern Ireland, or Queen's University. I have not often dreamed of a life beyond a 9-5 job, a family, a church life... pretty unambitious really. Not that that is a bad thing. However, It is this ambition that I have discovered in America, and I struggle with this unfamiliar motivation (I never thought I'd say that).
The Struggle
I talked with my bible study group about ambition in the bible. I believe it can be both a good or a bad thing - depending on the motivation. Selfish ambition is to be avoided. Selfless ambition is not. Being a Christian is wonderful, and although Jesus has called us all to be disciples, there must still room in his plan for most of the jobs in the world. Even though I'm not sure if Jesus is a capitalist (lol... controversial!), I don't think he expected us all to make church life our number one priority. This "church life" has been my life for so many years... so many evenings, and now becoming a leader I have thought whether this is really what I want to do, what I am best at. I don't think it is what I am best at. Is it really my choice what I do? Should I even think of myself in these decisions? Because if this were up to me, I might be doing otherwise.
I guess I'm just struggling with "the greatest of you is the least of you" thing. I think Jesus wasn't asking people to try to be "the least". He did say that to be the greatest was to serve others (or even become their slave). However, I think He wanted to throw the whole "who's the greatest?" mindset out the frickin' window. That shouldn't even be a thought. I find that biblical verses can be counteractive to good ambition. I remember Doo talking once in bible study how "less is more" does not appear in the bible, and is a misconception (remember the band under that name?). I still find myself constricted by this kind of thought. Is this constriction good? I feel like I'm misenterpreting something, letting outside circumstances form my views of the bible. Is it okay to say that I don't want to have the church as my priority? Is it okay to say that I don't think I can be my best (or should I say "His" best?) by just living for Jesus, and not doing more? Jesus said he was the way, the truth and the life, and I recoginise that putting Him first is what's important, whatever the career. However, did Jesus mean that we live off Him alone? It sounds right, but are people not made to work? So His way involves living in submission to Him, but also working and having life in all its fullness?
I suppose my indecision over whether to live in America relates to a bigger personal battle: whether to strive for the best, to fulfill my potential, to become what Maslow would call "self-actualised", or to settle for something less. America represents the opportunity and freedom to do that. Home is great, but seperation from that is freeing, whether in America, Africa or Macedonia. I really believe I can do something amazing. I don't know what exactly. I would love to be a movie director. Seriously! That's a pretty ridiculous dream, but I think big. I could be a writer. Is this entry good reading? I dunno...
The Answer
This all seems to relate to the question of purpose: "What am I going to do with my life?". It's a big, stupid, annoying question. I seem to be answering it by trial and error, finding out "What am I not going to do with my life?" one career at a time. I realise I also just seem to be looking for justification, or peace of mind, to do something different, something radical, something away from the expectations of home.
In the meantime, I don't know what to do. I have time to think. I won't be going back to America anytime soon. (And another thing, I don't see the point of getting married before 25, but anyway that's just me).
The answer? perhaps I don't want to know it.
p.s. (Subtitles might seem a bit stupid, but they break up the text, so I added them in)
The Question
Someone asked me a question the other day, one I had never thought of seriously before. The question was "So do you want to live in America?". I said to them that I had little interest in it, and to be honest thought that it was not a possiblity. However, there has been a quiet repetitive voice of "what if?" in the back of my head...
Firstly, I want to say that I have not fallen in love, with anything out here really. Michigan is (sorry guys) a pretty bum place. The weather really gets me down. Michigan is not just economically depressing. However, the thought of living in (sunnier) America has just occured to me, literally five minutes ago. I have had no thoughts about it before typing up this entry. These thoughts are coming now.
The Dream
America is a culture I am quite familiar with, but not totally at comfort in. However, it really is a land of opportunity. I see it in the college here - people really have high sights and goals. People plan to be the best. People plan to be actors, directors, doctors, lawyers, business leaders. Not that I never spent time with people like this (I did go to Methody, like). This isn't like Northern Ireland, or Queen's University. I have not often dreamed of a life beyond a 9-5 job, a family, a church life... pretty unambitious really. Not that that is a bad thing. However, It is this ambition that I have discovered in America, and I struggle with this unfamiliar motivation (I never thought I'd say that).
The Struggle
I talked with my bible study group about ambition in the bible. I believe it can be both a good or a bad thing - depending on the motivation. Selfish ambition is to be avoided. Selfless ambition is not. Being a Christian is wonderful, and although Jesus has called us all to be disciples, there must still room in his plan for most of the jobs in the world. Even though I'm not sure if Jesus is a capitalist (lol... controversial!), I don't think he expected us all to make church life our number one priority. This "church life" has been my life for so many years... so many evenings, and now becoming a leader I have thought whether this is really what I want to do, what I am best at. I don't think it is what I am best at. Is it really my choice what I do? Should I even think of myself in these decisions? Because if this were up to me, I might be doing otherwise.
I guess I'm just struggling with "the greatest of you is the least of you" thing. I think Jesus wasn't asking people to try to be "the least". He did say that to be the greatest was to serve others (or even become their slave). However, I think He wanted to throw the whole "who's the greatest?" mindset out the frickin' window. That shouldn't even be a thought. I find that biblical verses can be counteractive to good ambition. I remember Doo talking once in bible study how "less is more" does not appear in the bible, and is a misconception (remember the band under that name?). I still find myself constricted by this kind of thought. Is this constriction good? I feel like I'm misenterpreting something, letting outside circumstances form my views of the bible. Is it okay to say that I don't want to have the church as my priority? Is it okay to say that I don't think I can be my best (or should I say "His" best?) by just living for Jesus, and not doing more? Jesus said he was the way, the truth and the life, and I recoginise that putting Him first is what's important, whatever the career. However, did Jesus mean that we live off Him alone? It sounds right, but are people not made to work? So His way involves living in submission to Him, but also working and having life in all its fullness?
I suppose my indecision over whether to live in America relates to a bigger personal battle: whether to strive for the best, to fulfill my potential, to become what Maslow would call "self-actualised", or to settle for something less. America represents the opportunity and freedom to do that. Home is great, but seperation from that is freeing, whether in America, Africa or Macedonia. I really believe I can do something amazing. I don't know what exactly. I would love to be a movie director. Seriously! That's a pretty ridiculous dream, but I think big. I could be a writer. Is this entry good reading? I dunno...
The Answer
This all seems to relate to the question of purpose: "What am I going to do with my life?". It's a big, stupid, annoying question. I seem to be answering it by trial and error, finding out "What am I not going to do with my life?" one career at a time. I realise I also just seem to be looking for justification, or peace of mind, to do something different, something radical, something away from the expectations of home.
In the meantime, I don't know what to do. I have time to think. I won't be going back to America anytime soon. (And another thing, I don't see the point of getting married before 25, but anyway that's just me).
The answer? perhaps I don't want to know it.
p.s. (Subtitles might seem a bit stupid, but they break up the text, so I added them in)