Unread fic and starting school again freakout
I'm a terrible reader and I haven't read a word of fanfic since the end of July, and even then I didn't read much. I have lost track of my favorite stories and let all my favorite authors' writing go by unnoticed. Not the mention all those people who I've never read before that have been brave enough to post their work. I feel like an ass. I'm also rather upset that I have fallen so far behind because now I don't even remember what's going on in half of the stories I had been following. On top of that, my classes start tomorrow so I will be in school for the first time in over a year. I'm extremely overwhelmed and starting to feel a little depressed. I can see random bouts of crying in my near future, hopefully they never happen but there's a good chance they will.
I'm going back to school having taken a year off and transfered, and I know plenty of people in my city but nobody on campus. I'm also living off campus so I lose the chance to meet people in a dorm, granted I could never live in a dorm again after spending the last year+ living alone and not having anyone tell me what I can and can't do in my own home. I just feel out of place and disenfranchised. I'm sure things will be better once classes start because I'll have more opportunity to meet people but at the moment I feel like I'm already at a disadvantage before I even get started. I've always had trouble fitting in and finding friends, I somehow managed to find a great group of people over the past year but that really doesn't help me now as none of them attend the same college as I do.
I kept saying that I was so prepared for this and I could handle it and blah blah blah but now that I sit down and think about the fact that my classes are tomorrow and just meditate on what's to come I find myself so scared. Scared that I will fail to assimilate myself into the environment, that I will fail my classes, and that I will fall back into that state of darkness and depression I found myself in as a freshman almost two years ago. I can't handle that again, I know almost for sure that if I get back to that place, there will be no getting out this time. I do not mean this to the extent of say suicide or anything, what I mean is that if I become depressed and fall behind in my work again and don't live up to even half of my potential I'm done. Byebye med school, good bye dreams, hello managerial position at a grocery store. Maybe not to that extent, but any honest failure will be so disheartening that I don't think I would be able to get myself back on track.
I know it's pretty ridiculous to think about failing before I even begin, but as I have some time to myself to just sit and think all these hidden emotions and fears just started coming up to the surface and asking me to play. It seems I have no choice but to go along with them and see where they lead, hopefully I will get to a point where I can move past them and start to enjoy myself. Perhaps things will get better once I start taking classes. I will never be the social butterfly my sister is, I do not possess the same social graces and ability to fit into any situation, especially when it requires me to be fake. I'm trying to learn but I think if you're not born with it you're kind of fucked on this one. I should really be looking at the positives, and I'm going to try, I'm even going so far as to attend a bbq on the quad that probably won't be attended by many commuters. Hopefully I'll be able to make some connections, if not it is a free meal...never a bad thing. I guess I just have to wait and see, wish me luck. Hopefully this week will proceed sans nervous breakdowns, panic attacks and/or tears.
To anyone who actually reads this, thank you for your time. I may not know you but I can say that I love you for caring enough about a stranger to spend a few minutes reading my thoughts. xo
I'm going back to school having taken a year off and transfered, and I know plenty of people in my city but nobody on campus. I'm also living off campus so I lose the chance to meet people in a dorm, granted I could never live in a dorm again after spending the last year+ living alone and not having anyone tell me what I can and can't do in my own home. I just feel out of place and disenfranchised. I'm sure things will be better once classes start because I'll have more opportunity to meet people but at the moment I feel like I'm already at a disadvantage before I even get started. I've always had trouble fitting in and finding friends, I somehow managed to find a great group of people over the past year but that really doesn't help me now as none of them attend the same college as I do.
I kept saying that I was so prepared for this and I could handle it and blah blah blah but now that I sit down and think about the fact that my classes are tomorrow and just meditate on what's to come I find myself so scared. Scared that I will fail to assimilate myself into the environment, that I will fail my classes, and that I will fall back into that state of darkness and depression I found myself in as a freshman almost two years ago. I can't handle that again, I know almost for sure that if I get back to that place, there will be no getting out this time. I do not mean this to the extent of say suicide or anything, what I mean is that if I become depressed and fall behind in my work again and don't live up to even half of my potential I'm done. Byebye med school, good bye dreams, hello managerial position at a grocery store. Maybe not to that extent, but any honest failure will be so disheartening that I don't think I would be able to get myself back on track.
I know it's pretty ridiculous to think about failing before I even begin, but as I have some time to myself to just sit and think all these hidden emotions and fears just started coming up to the surface and asking me to play. It seems I have no choice but to go along with them and see where they lead, hopefully I will get to a point where I can move past them and start to enjoy myself. Perhaps things will get better once I start taking classes. I will never be the social butterfly my sister is, I do not possess the same social graces and ability to fit into any situation, especially when it requires me to be fake. I'm trying to learn but I think if you're not born with it you're kind of fucked on this one. I should really be looking at the positives, and I'm going to try, I'm even going so far as to attend a bbq on the quad that probably won't be attended by many commuters. Hopefully I'll be able to make some connections, if not it is a free meal...never a bad thing. I guess I just have to wait and see, wish me luck. Hopefully this week will proceed sans nervous breakdowns, panic attacks and/or tears.
To anyone who actually reads this, thank you for your time. I may not know you but I can say that I love you for caring enough about a stranger to spend a few minutes reading my thoughts. xo