(no subject)
O.o O.o O.o there are no words for why i want to blow my own head off
PLEASE NOTE: reference made to blowing my head off is due more to the fact that i think my brain is going to explode because of how confused i am, not that i want to die.
last night is still a strange and wonderful and confuzing blur.
communication issues are terrible.
::sighs:: i hate this. it's more confusing than anything i've had to deal with thus far.
but before i get ahead of myself, let me put in all the other stuff.
went to a barbecue at lucas' insistance on saturday night. hung out with some kick ass people, had a few beers.
mickey rocks my socks. HAHAHA!
got to finally chill with my kitchen buddies, joe and alec. around 11 (maybe later? no idea) everyone decided to go bowling, while my kitchen buddies and i went to chill somewhere else. we got followed by ryan, this acid burnout twitchy ass fucker (but he was cool as hell).
thats when the night got into blur status.
that lovely lovely paper on my tounge just opened a world of possibilities. things i had never considered before and never even paid any mind to before now have an entirely different meaning. i've never just tripped before, i've never just sat down and let it come over me like that.
god, i can't just sit here and analyz this. it's not working.
before i go into freeform and just let loose all the tumbling shit in my brain, i've finish the story-type parts.
AWESOME THINGS TO REMEMBER
JOE: so you have rooms for stuff but nothing to put in them?
ME: and my face hurts
ALEC: see, it's good your in the dark, so we won't have to look at your face
the conversation about vinyl as opposed to CD's
explaining the word visceral (sp?) to joe at 5AM while coming down (soooo didn't work)
ALEC: (reading Fear and Loathing aloud) "ten times the size of GOD" and "Slap the Pasties off the 10-foot-tall Bull Dyke and win a cotton candy goat!" (i think that was the line)
listening to velvet underground and murder by death vinyls on that disgustingly dirty deck, almost touching - NO NO NO, don't think about it....
ending the night with resivoir dogs and a few beers.
i can't list anymore, i need to just get this shit out.... FUCK why do enlightened thoughts have to turn into EMO CRAP once i actually can write them down?
i'm done
here i go
i don't even know where to begin whether it's just with how i kept catching eyes watching when i never expected it or the way you were curled against the wall and why won't you get out of my head you silly goofy unfathomable you
you grabbed my waist to keep me from hitting the pole i just wanted to hug you with you reading to me and watching me and laughing at me don't talk about communication problems to me i am the queen of unspeakable acts and thoughts and looks and WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME my hands were shaking when we were alone i couldn't even speak with ears red and lips trembling i smoked and smoked and smoked and drank and watched and listened and DID NOTHING why can't i hold eye contact for more than 30 seconds without burning insides roiling sick but all to well GET OUT OF MY HEAD or help to understand teach me show me do something besides sit there unable to know to show to hear to see i want i want i want i NO it's not like that it's not it's not it's not
too good to be right perceived or other wise like lightning those few touches and blushes and stumbled exchanges awkward afraid silly stupid young unwise and you said it best will this kill me and will it be fun of course who cares either way it's just me and me and me and you when you watch me and when we understood without saying fuck the "acid mind meld" it has to be more it wasn't just then it was all night and WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING with your typewriter fiddler on the roof satan's in the freezer and i just remembered i forgot the movie you promised you the disembodied voice of babble me the dying battery i can't even pretend to understand
i'm insane
i'm fucked
i'm crazy
i'm in over my head
i'm naive
i'm twitterpated
i'm sick
i'm desperate
i'm infatuated
i'm easy
i'm disgusting
and it's all in my head in the end
i dispise being confused. and being in love with someone who's 3,000 miles away and won't admit he loves me back.
fuck feelings. being attracted to other people while being in love with someone you can't have isn't wrong, but it sure feels like it.
PLEASE NOTE: reference made to blowing my head off is due more to the fact that i think my brain is going to explode because of how confused i am, not that i want to die.
last night is still a strange and wonderful and confuzing blur.
communication issues are terrible.
::sighs:: i hate this. it's more confusing than anything i've had to deal with thus far.
but before i get ahead of myself, let me put in all the other stuff.
went to a barbecue at lucas' insistance on saturday night. hung out with some kick ass people, had a few beers.
mickey rocks my socks. HAHAHA!
got to finally chill with my kitchen buddies, joe and alec. around 11 (maybe later? no idea) everyone decided to go bowling, while my kitchen buddies and i went to chill somewhere else. we got followed by ryan, this acid burnout twitchy ass fucker (but he was cool as hell).
thats when the night got into blur status.
that lovely lovely paper on my tounge just opened a world of possibilities. things i had never considered before and never even paid any mind to before now have an entirely different meaning. i've never just tripped before, i've never just sat down and let it come over me like that.
god, i can't just sit here and analyz this. it's not working.
before i go into freeform and just let loose all the tumbling shit in my brain, i've finish the story-type parts.
AWESOME THINGS TO REMEMBER
JOE: so you have rooms for stuff but nothing to put in them?
ME: and my face hurts
ALEC: see, it's good your in the dark, so we won't have to look at your face
the conversation about vinyl as opposed to CD's
explaining the word visceral (sp?) to joe at 5AM while coming down (soooo didn't work)
ALEC: (reading Fear and Loathing aloud) "ten times the size of GOD" and "Slap the Pasties off the 10-foot-tall Bull Dyke and win a cotton candy goat!" (i think that was the line)
listening to velvet underground and murder by death vinyls on that disgustingly dirty deck, almost touching - NO NO NO, don't think about it....
ending the night with resivoir dogs and a few beers.
i can't list anymore, i need to just get this shit out.... FUCK why do enlightened thoughts have to turn into EMO CRAP once i actually can write them down?
i'm done
here i go
i don't even know where to begin whether it's just with how i kept catching eyes watching when i never expected it or the way you were curled against the wall and why won't you get out of my head you silly goofy unfathomable you
you grabbed my waist to keep me from hitting the pole i just wanted to hug you with you reading to me and watching me and laughing at me don't talk about communication problems to me i am the queen of unspeakable acts and thoughts and looks and WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME my hands were shaking when we were alone i couldn't even speak with ears red and lips trembling i smoked and smoked and smoked and drank and watched and listened and DID NOTHING why can't i hold eye contact for more than 30 seconds without burning insides roiling sick but all to well GET OUT OF MY HEAD or help to understand teach me show me do something besides sit there unable to know to show to hear to see i want i want i want i NO it's not like that it's not it's not it's not
too good to be right perceived or other wise like lightning those few touches and blushes and stumbled exchanges awkward afraid silly stupid young unwise and you said it best will this kill me and will it be fun of course who cares either way it's just me and me and me and you when you watch me and when we understood without saying fuck the "acid mind meld" it has to be more it wasn't just then it was all night and WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING with your typewriter fiddler on the roof satan's in the freezer and i just remembered i forgot the movie you promised you the disembodied voice of babble me the dying battery i can't even pretend to understand
i'm insane
i'm fucked
i'm crazy
i'm in over my head
i'm naive
i'm twitterpated
i'm sick
i'm desperate
i'm infatuated
i'm easy
i'm disgusting
and it's all in my head in the end
i dispise being confused. and being in love with someone who's 3,000 miles away and won't admit he loves me back.
fuck feelings. being attracted to other people while being in love with someone you can't have isn't wrong, but it sure feels like it.