(no subject)
i suppose everything is ok. i seem to be doing fine, and then something makes me realize that i don't know these people anymore. but i do, so it's weird.
i think i'm just depressed... and lonely and feeling super unloved. it's the most aggravating thing in the world when you get mixed up and especially in a situation where everything can be turned into UBER DRAMA at the flip of a switch.
i want to just cry and i have no idea what the reason for it is. i miss boise, and people keep pointing out to me that i don't come from around here anymore. i say "philadelphia" instead of "philly" now, and apparently, it's a big fucking deal!!!!!!! well, not a big deal, but yeah...
and everything just seems different. i want some attention. which sounds fucking stupid, but i'm so used to having john to come home to every night, and i hate being alone. i want someone to hold me and tell me i'm beautiful and just be mine, but in truth it can't be just anyone.
i'm not home, this isn't home.
i fucking hate myself and everything about me, and i hate this place and i hate how i feel, and i hate that i can't stand getting wasted out of my fucking box anymore, to the point that i black out and stop caring.
not even pain makes me feel good anymore. not like i starting doing anything stupid like i used to, but when i freak out, i have a tendency to get hysterical and punch walls, punch doors, hit myself, bang into things... and even that doesn't feel good anymore, it's just frustrating.
i wish i never learned what life could be like. i wish i never felt true happiness, then i wouldn't know what i'm missing.
i feel so fucking alone
i think i'm just depressed... and lonely and feeling super unloved. it's the most aggravating thing in the world when you get mixed up and especially in a situation where everything can be turned into UBER DRAMA at the flip of a switch.
i want to just cry and i have no idea what the reason for it is. i miss boise, and people keep pointing out to me that i don't come from around here anymore. i say "philadelphia" instead of "philly" now, and apparently, it's a big fucking deal!!!!!!! well, not a big deal, but yeah...
and everything just seems different. i want some attention. which sounds fucking stupid, but i'm so used to having john to come home to every night, and i hate being alone. i want someone to hold me and tell me i'm beautiful and just be mine, but in truth it can't be just anyone.
i'm not home, this isn't home.
i fucking hate myself and everything about me, and i hate this place and i hate how i feel, and i hate that i can't stand getting wasted out of my fucking box anymore, to the point that i black out and stop caring.
not even pain makes me feel good anymore. not like i starting doing anything stupid like i used to, but when i freak out, i have a tendency to get hysterical and punch walls, punch doors, hit myself, bang into things... and even that doesn't feel good anymore, it's just frustrating.
i wish i never learned what life could be like. i wish i never felt true happiness, then i wouldn't know what i'm missing.
i feel so fucking alone