(no subject)
AWAKE, still. i suppose its because i've become accustom to talking myself to death on the phone and then just hanging up and collapsing. that didnt happen tonight. :( god, i miss you already. is that terrible or what? thank you for coming to say goodbye today, and for calling and leaving the message just to say you missed me, thank you for all the wonderful compliments that i sometimes don't even deserve, thank you for your sincerity, care, and understanding. you're almost TOO good to me. its amazing, the way you make me feel. it really is.
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as i've told brandon so many times, i've always felt undeserving of care from others. perhaps its never that i've always felt undeserving. perhaps its that i never recieved it and i guess i began searching for a reason as to WHY no one ever really cared about me. and the answer was of course that it was my fault, that somehow i always did something, thus rendering me one who's unworthy of others' care. i really dont think ANYONE (not even james) showed me the care and appreciation that brandon has provided. last night he turns to me out of no where and goes 'im so happy that im with you. that you're mine.' and then he asks me 'why are you with ME?' and i didnt even understand, so i asked what he meant and he was like 'i mean, why do you want ME as your boyfriend?' ... as if its a task for me to date him. wow. i wish i could ask HIM that question. what ARE you doing with me? ive always failed at relationships. its always been MY fault. or made to seem like it was my fault (i still think james was SEARCHING for some reason to break up with me, because otherwise he'd just have to say 'cara, this relationship just isnt DOING it for me anymore' .. and thus making HIM the asshole. instead he made ME the asshole. the liar, the bitch, the fuck-up. whatever.) but thats beside the point, i just always have messed up relationships. i really really really DONT want to mess this up. i feel so lucky to have you. just know that. i miss you. ahh. boy do i miss you.
we were talking about dreams last night. and i got into my 'deep-thinker' mode. an di just thought 'what if our lives are simply dreams of other people. what if all of us, the creation of my life and the events surrounding it, what if they are all the creation of a dreamer. and when i sleep, the dreamer is awake, and when i am awake, the dreamer is asleep... dreaming of me and my life.' ... the whole 'pinch-me, i'm dreaming' thing doesnt work for this. because all physical pain and emotional pain we could possibly experience is the making of another person, or THING dreaming it all up. creating all of this in their head. i really think that is such a cool idea. because it gives me reason to say 'fuck anger and all of this. its not even REALLY anger. because my anger or hurt doesnt exhist. its just what Lou on another planet or another universe wants me to feel. thanks lou, I HATE YOU. you just fucking play with what I think is life. but thank you for making it at least HALF decent for now, i really think i deserved a little happiness after all the bullshit you put me through. now i have a list of people i'd like you to kill. and i'll put that on private. cuz i know that no matter what i go, do, think, feel,e ct... YOU WILL NOW. you're like god. only not. and this theory is alot like the movie Identity. only not. hmmm thats a whole nother aspect i'm willing to address. but i wont go there for now. because its 3:12. coooool. im so wide awake. and i miss you.
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as i've told brandon so many times, i've always felt undeserving of care from others. perhaps its never that i've always felt undeserving. perhaps its that i never recieved it and i guess i began searching for a reason as to WHY no one ever really cared about me. and the answer was of course that it was my fault, that somehow i always did something, thus rendering me one who's unworthy of others' care. i really dont think ANYONE (not even james) showed me the care and appreciation that brandon has provided. last night he turns to me out of no where and goes 'im so happy that im with you. that you're mine.' and then he asks me 'why are you with ME?' and i didnt even understand, so i asked what he meant and he was like 'i mean, why do you want ME as your boyfriend?' ... as if its a task for me to date him. wow. i wish i could ask HIM that question. what ARE you doing with me? ive always failed at relationships. its always been MY fault. or made to seem like it was my fault (i still think james was SEARCHING for some reason to break up with me, because otherwise he'd just have to say 'cara, this relationship just isnt DOING it for me anymore' .. and thus making HIM the asshole. instead he made ME the asshole. the liar, the bitch, the fuck-up. whatever.) but thats beside the point, i just always have messed up relationships. i really really really DONT want to mess this up. i feel so lucky to have you. just know that. i miss you. ahh. boy do i miss you.
we were talking about dreams last night. and i got into my 'deep-thinker' mode. an di just thought 'what if our lives are simply dreams of other people. what if all of us, the creation of my life and the events surrounding it, what if they are all the creation of a dreamer. and when i sleep, the dreamer is awake, and when i am awake, the dreamer is asleep... dreaming of me and my life.' ... the whole 'pinch-me, i'm dreaming' thing doesnt work for this. because all physical pain and emotional pain we could possibly experience is the making of another person, or THING dreaming it all up. creating all of this in their head. i really think that is such a cool idea. because it gives me reason to say 'fuck anger and all of this. its not even REALLY anger. because my anger or hurt doesnt exhist. its just what Lou on another planet or another universe wants me to feel. thanks lou, I HATE YOU. you just fucking play with what I think is life. but thank you for making it at least HALF decent for now, i really think i deserved a little happiness after all the bullshit you put me through. now i have a list of people i'd like you to kill. and i'll put that on private. cuz i know that no matter what i go, do, think, feel,e ct... YOU WILL NOW. you're like god. only not. and this theory is alot like the movie Identity. only not. hmmm thats a whole nother aspect i'm willing to address. but i wont go there for now. because its 3:12. coooool. im so wide awake. and i miss you.