rambles and rambles
last night was "game night"hoorah hooray!we never even play games.so i decided to ask people some questions.just out of curiosity to see if these so called "friends" of mine really gave a damn.i was ready to just take a gun and shoot myself afterwards.why do i have to find the biggest jackasses around and choose to love them more than anybody else?i can't even count on my sister to give a shit let alone anybody else in my family.you might be thinking this is exaggeration.or i'm just whining.but believe me it's not.i'm beyond even giving a shit.if anybody has sympathy for me at all..just don't. the answers to these questions i found.i'm nobody.just another number in a group to hang out with.so they wanted to go to mcdonalds...i was just like w/e i don't care.we go...story times make me laugh so hard i start choking.does anybody even ask if i'm ok?hmmmmm...no.not even a concerned look on anybody's face.then they were like oh yea question # 4 if hayleigh starts dying what are we supposed to do in stereo "are you ok?".i seriously couldn't breath for like 2 minutes straight.i coughed and coughed and coughed some more.through this time i was just hoping i wouldn't catch my breath,roll over on the floor,and die.i'm at the point.I don't blame anybody.i just want to run far far away and never turn back.leave no note,just let them think w/e.they think i'm psychotic.i heard that more than once.hell maybe i am.fuck it.i don't care.they think that my life is shit.they laugh at me because i try to smile and laugh it off.because i can't deal with it.this is to much for me.i don't want to be a burden on anybody.but the truth is.this really sucks.i'm trying so hard to make things better but it seems i'm making everything worse for myself.maybe i choose to waste my love on assholes.because somebody has to love them right?maybe i'm one of those people that aren't supposed to feel loved or comforted.i want so much for myself...my biggest fears are creeping up on me.but i do have this determination that will pull me through.this innocence of mine may be the thing that draws people to hurt me.it's true i'm an easy target.i've been treated like shit my entire life.if it weren't for those fairytales.i wouldn't know any different.so a big thankyou i guess to walt disney.all i have is hope that one day my dreams will come true.<3