"its either you get money or you figure out how to survive or both"
So the past maybe few days or so have been marked with some very low and frustrating points. I hate always having to use my journal as a source to vent my frustrations and clear my mind of so much unnecessary bullshit that falls my way but it seems thiis the only place i can put those burdens and not feel like a complete jackass. For starters in a twisted set of events i don't live at home anymore because of a final disagreement of sorts between me, my mother and my great grandmother. The fact that i have no form of privacy and them consistently violating that and not respecting me got to an all time high this past week.
here's what happened....
Michael came over tuesday because we planned to spend some time and i was gonna wash his clothes for him so he didnt have to on campus and just relax. Around 7ish i hear the phone ring and apparently it was my mother so i overheard my gma telling her i was in the room and that michael was over there too...so a few mins later i hear her voice trail off like she was whispering which is the clear sign she was blabbing something she had no buisness....so i got up and went in the front asked her to give me the phone she did, me and my mom passed words because i told her im tired of her calling there and talking about me or for that matter relaying messages thru other ppl when its just as easy for her to talk to me one on one. so she said something smart i hung up, my gma jumps up fussing at me or w/e so me and her got into it....now at this point me not knowing anything my mom is at her house calling the police on me...so my gma proceeds to tell me im wrong and 99 billion other things and grabs my shirt which is a definite NO-NO...i click out when ppl touch me in an unwanted aspect simply from years of abuse so the next thing i knew we were fighting...and all that...after that ended i went back in my room not thinking nothing of the situation....michael had never left out my room just laying there next thing i know maybe 5mins later 5 cops are in my room, my mom had my stepdad there spying for her and potentially trying to get me arrested and put in jail...so this is the shit that kills me, my gma told the fucking cops that i habitially "jump on her and beat on her everyday" at this point im handcuffed and being led out the fucking house!!! so for over 30mins or so im trying to explain the whole situation to 2 of the 5 cops while the other 3 (one of which didnt say shit the entire time) tried to decipher what was going on....so as im explaining to one of the police that after i hung up on my mom i unplugged the phone that there was no phone in the house connected for my mom to call to even know anything had happened she called them being a bitch he started to see that was the truth b/c there was no possible way for her to know we got into it b/c i had hung up on her and undone the phone line he stood in front of me in shock. All that he could really tell me was that he hoped this would cause Michael to move in a more urgent pace to move because the apparent was that me and my family's life is too violate for us to really be around each other...meanwhile i got yet another fucking battery charge and a summons to go to court, and the killer was that my mom had adam sitting his ass up there telling the police i had a bench warrant to get them to take me to jail and shes pulled the same stunts with him!!
so for the next couple days me and michael rented an hotel room while trying to swiftly yet effectively find an apartment because monday is the last day at Southern for him to resign without getting grades of "F" for the semester by him not attending classes like he shouldve, finally today i managed to run across an apt that didnt require any income requirements or credit or background checks just a deposit and a application fee....now while my sense of accomplishment started to kick in his mom brought that down QUICKLY...for whatever reason he seems to not know what to say and what not to in order to get his mom out of his hair and not divulged too much to have her even more panicy than she already is and i caught wind of some of the conversations that they have had and it comes off that i dont have any idea what im doing or talking about and all this other shit instead of him explaining to him mom (minus the fact what happened tuesday) that i have everything under control and give her details to keep her at ease the same way i detail everything for him to where it all clicks and makes sense, so i feel insulted b/c he isnt handaling the little shit that is in his court properly and its really pissing me off she has this impression that nothing is being handled effeciently and with decretion for either of our feelings, budgets and futures in mind when i have thought this way out to the last detail and had he actually listened to me when i initially told him that he needed a job even if the above happened, it wouldnt have put us at a point of pratically being homeless either he wouldve had income and so would i to prove we could afford an apt anywhere in the city and by her declining to cosign when he asked her to until he finds a job and i started bringing money in it put the whole situaition at a point of being desperation, i was to the point within the last few days of really being overwhelmed and stressed out beyond well standards trying to secure US a place to stay by me already knowing both our situations it was bound to be a time to move on our own anyways this just happened earlier than we expected with some incidents too heavy for either of us to prepare for but we had to either sink or swim.
I just feel like at this phase, she needs to let go. He has to make some type of decisions towards being a productive adult and for her to be worrying so much calling him every few hours quiestioning the decisions we are making as a couple it frustrates me because im not gonna lead him or myself into an unstable situation...especially given the fact that there is no support or structure from my family in a whole, that i have to be on my own or i wont be able to function be happy and live a healthy existence. I mentioned to him earlier he needs to really nip that shit in the bud for the sake of my feelings and sanity, im SOOOO not used to someone being THAT in my buisness and I WONT GET USED TO IT, its nothing wrong with telling her stuff but to the extent he is going I feel like I'm more in a relationship with her than with him. There needs to be some form of a boundary line to where the respect remains there between them but she knows when to actually STOP. I was blessed with of all things disearnment(sp) to know what the potential outcome could be without making any moves. I am crazy but far from stupid. And the fact that he hasnt really said to his mom "She knows what she's doing momma, I trust my girlfriend's judgement" is like a "wow" moment to me....because its not known other than amongst us that the few things that are taking shape are because I refuse to be down and out or we not have anything to show for all this effort.
atleast i accomplished what i sat out to do 2 or 3 days ago. I'll have my own place free of all the annoyances and grief i had been living in for the last 3yrs. I'm very happy that all of that can finally not be apart of my reality and be able to go to sleep at night without the thought of being woke up by a barage of ignorance.
here's what happened....
Michael came over tuesday because we planned to spend some time and i was gonna wash his clothes for him so he didnt have to on campus and just relax. Around 7ish i hear the phone ring and apparently it was my mother so i overheard my gma telling her i was in the room and that michael was over there too...so a few mins later i hear her voice trail off like she was whispering which is the clear sign she was blabbing something she had no buisness....so i got up and went in the front asked her to give me the phone she did, me and my mom passed words because i told her im tired of her calling there and talking about me or for that matter relaying messages thru other ppl when its just as easy for her to talk to me one on one. so she said something smart i hung up, my gma jumps up fussing at me or w/e so me and her got into it....now at this point me not knowing anything my mom is at her house calling the police on me...so my gma proceeds to tell me im wrong and 99 billion other things and grabs my shirt which is a definite NO-NO...i click out when ppl touch me in an unwanted aspect simply from years of abuse so the next thing i knew we were fighting...and all that...after that ended i went back in my room not thinking nothing of the situation....michael had never left out my room just laying there next thing i know maybe 5mins later 5 cops are in my room, my mom had my stepdad there spying for her and potentially trying to get me arrested and put in jail...so this is the shit that kills me, my gma told the fucking cops that i habitially "jump on her and beat on her everyday" at this point im handcuffed and being led out the fucking house!!! so for over 30mins or so im trying to explain the whole situation to 2 of the 5 cops while the other 3 (one of which didnt say shit the entire time) tried to decipher what was going on....so as im explaining to one of the police that after i hung up on my mom i unplugged the phone that there was no phone in the house connected for my mom to call to even know anything had happened she called them being a bitch he started to see that was the truth b/c there was no possible way for her to know we got into it b/c i had hung up on her and undone the phone line he stood in front of me in shock. All that he could really tell me was that he hoped this would cause Michael to move in a more urgent pace to move because the apparent was that me and my family's life is too violate for us to really be around each other...meanwhile i got yet another fucking battery charge and a summons to go to court, and the killer was that my mom had adam sitting his ass up there telling the police i had a bench warrant to get them to take me to jail and shes pulled the same stunts with him!!
so for the next couple days me and michael rented an hotel room while trying to swiftly yet effectively find an apartment because monday is the last day at Southern for him to resign without getting grades of "F" for the semester by him not attending classes like he shouldve, finally today i managed to run across an apt that didnt require any income requirements or credit or background checks just a deposit and a application fee....now while my sense of accomplishment started to kick in his mom brought that down QUICKLY...for whatever reason he seems to not know what to say and what not to in order to get his mom out of his hair and not divulged too much to have her even more panicy than she already is and i caught wind of some of the conversations that they have had and it comes off that i dont have any idea what im doing or talking about and all this other shit instead of him explaining to him mom (minus the fact what happened tuesday) that i have everything under control and give her details to keep her at ease the same way i detail everything for him to where it all clicks and makes sense, so i feel insulted b/c he isnt handaling the little shit that is in his court properly and its really pissing me off she has this impression that nothing is being handled effeciently and with decretion for either of our feelings, budgets and futures in mind when i have thought this way out to the last detail and had he actually listened to me when i initially told him that he needed a job even if the above happened, it wouldnt have put us at a point of pratically being homeless either he wouldve had income and so would i to prove we could afford an apt anywhere in the city and by her declining to cosign when he asked her to until he finds a job and i started bringing money in it put the whole situaition at a point of being desperation, i was to the point within the last few days of really being overwhelmed and stressed out beyond well standards trying to secure US a place to stay by me already knowing both our situations it was bound to be a time to move on our own anyways this just happened earlier than we expected with some incidents too heavy for either of us to prepare for but we had to either sink or swim.
I just feel like at this phase, she needs to let go. He has to make some type of decisions towards being a productive adult and for her to be worrying so much calling him every few hours quiestioning the decisions we are making as a couple it frustrates me because im not gonna lead him or myself into an unstable situation...especially given the fact that there is no support or structure from my family in a whole, that i have to be on my own or i wont be able to function be happy and live a healthy existence. I mentioned to him earlier he needs to really nip that shit in the bud for the sake of my feelings and sanity, im SOOOO not used to someone being THAT in my buisness and I WONT GET USED TO IT, its nothing wrong with telling her stuff but to the extent he is going I feel like I'm more in a relationship with her than with him. There needs to be some form of a boundary line to where the respect remains there between them but she knows when to actually STOP. I was blessed with of all things disearnment(sp) to know what the potential outcome could be without making any moves. I am crazy but far from stupid. And the fact that he hasnt really said to his mom "She knows what she's doing momma, I trust my girlfriend's judgement" is like a "wow" moment to me....because its not known other than amongst us that the few things that are taking shape are because I refuse to be down and out or we not have anything to show for all this effort.
atleast i accomplished what i sat out to do 2 or 3 days ago. I'll have my own place free of all the annoyances and grief i had been living in for the last 3yrs. I'm very happy that all of that can finally not be apart of my reality and be able to go to sleep at night without the thought of being woke up by a barage of ignorance.