desperate
a) I hand in my notice, pack my things, leave the country with my parents when they come over and start again in Germany (either Leipzig or Berlin) hopefully close to as many of the people I cut out of my life as possible before christmas.
b) I start a course to become a solicitor, keep on working where I am hoping to get a secreterial role next year to finance that and a car. move house early next year. get a new computer for christmas. try to spice up and enjoy life in the UK.
not just confused but utterly fed up because:
- not least bit of recognition at work for me and other colleague that keep the place running
- cocky house mate aka spoiled lil arse
- loneliness and sadness
- missing people and places
- simply not understanding myself
- annoyed with airlines as flights home for christmas impossible and expensive (given that I don't wanna go anyways)
- a boy saying things I wished were serious
okay and there's the rest of the story....
my parents will come over for 5 days in early october. I told them they should stay at my place (I'll just sleep on the couch that u can turn into a bed) as we could easily use the money we save on outings, they don't speak English, my mum uses a wheelchair and they get a better impression of how I live.... I have very mixed feelings about my mum and the wheelchair thing. I don't have a car. It's only for a few days but I am afraid to lose my "patience" and just be an arsy cow because I can't handle the emotional and parental overload. My house mate just asked whether I'd have a car for that time.... I'm sure he's not really amused. Neither am I. I'll be even more miserable afterwards feeling guilty...
I just can't cope. Still not. I just don't know why I'm here, why I cut all everybody I care about out of my life in a way that I am so far away from everybody and now can't get hold of them, am barely a part of their lives and feel it. Once again and as always.... I seriously need a hug.
b) I start a course to become a solicitor, keep on working where I am hoping to get a secreterial role next year to finance that and a car. move house early next year. get a new computer for christmas. try to spice up and enjoy life in the UK.
not just confused but utterly fed up because:
- not least bit of recognition at work for me and other colleague that keep the place running
- cocky house mate aka spoiled lil arse
- loneliness and sadness
- missing people and places
- simply not understanding myself
- annoyed with airlines as flights home for christmas impossible and expensive (given that I don't wanna go anyways)
- a boy saying things I wished were serious
okay and there's the rest of the story....
my parents will come over for 5 days in early october. I told them they should stay at my place (I'll just sleep on the couch that u can turn into a bed) as we could easily use the money we save on outings, they don't speak English, my mum uses a wheelchair and they get a better impression of how I live.... I have very mixed feelings about my mum and the wheelchair thing. I don't have a car. It's only for a few days but I am afraid to lose my "patience" and just be an arsy cow because I can't handle the emotional and parental overload. My house mate just asked whether I'd have a car for that time.... I'm sure he's not really amused. Neither am I. I'll be even more miserable afterwards feeling guilty...
I just can't cope. Still not. I just don't know why I'm here, why I cut all everybody I care about out of my life in a way that I am so far away from everybody and now can't get hold of them, am barely a part of their lives and feel it. Once again and as always.... I seriously need a hug.