Happy Freaking New Years
All I wanted was to have a nice, chill, relaxed new years with some close friends and have a good time. I haven't had a good new years in a long long time...but I guess when your expectations are high, you are bouynd to be disappointed right?
I'm so fucking sick of walking on eggshells... sometimes I seriously feel like I am dating you. I'm not your fucking girlfriend, you have to stop treating me like this or I am going to explode. Sometimes when I am around you I feel myself acting angry like you and I don't want to act like that... I know I can't really blame you, but sometimes you are so fucking negative that I can't help it... you make everyone so uncomfortable when you treat him like that, I don't know how he stands it.... stop pushing people away, just to see how much they can take... stop thinking that people need to give you the moon, stop being so angry at the whole entire world....and if you can't fucking handle it, stop dishing it out. I know I am sensitive, but good lord, I seriously feel like I have to be careful of the things I do and say around you and sometimes I just can't handle it, sometimes I'm just not up to it.... I love you, I swear to God, the things that are great about you are so amazing, but the stark contrast is just sometimes way too much to take....the closer I get to you, the worse it gets, and I don't know if thats because you are expecting so much from me, or because you have gotten so comfortable, its probabaly both...and also the fact that I allow people to walk all over me... but you are dulling my happiness, and I honest to God feel like you are doing it on purpose. I feel like sometimes you can't stand to see other people happy, I think you are happy being miserable, or maybe thats just all you know, so the old saying "misery loves company" is proving to be true... I thought we got over a huge hurdle.. but now the prospect of moving home isn't shining quite so brightly if everything is always going to be like this. I try so hard to please you, to make sure you are happy and to work my life around yours when I am home, and I have to stop and ask myself, why am I doing this? Why do you feel its rude when people don't bend over backwards to show you how much they appreciate you when you can't do the same back?
I need to stop, I thought writing this all down would make me feel better, would get it out, allow myself to let go.... but the more I write the more I realize I had pent up inside me...I want to say that I know you mean well, and I don't think you act the way you do out of selfishness... but I don't know if I can say those things anymore..... I don't know how much I believe them.
I just need to go to sleep I think.....I just want to move to an island where drama doesn't exist and I can just be allowed to enjoy falling in love right now...why is this happening to me? I guess its true what they say about the world needing a balance. I should have realized that nothing as good as Alex happening to me could have come alone, that there would need to be some cosmic balance to even things out.. I couldn't be allowed to be as happy as I was without some shit hitting the fan and bringing me back to reality... I guess I just thought the 3-4 years of bullshit and depression was enough to balance things out... apparently not.
Please just let me be happy... stop being this jealous monster that you have turned into and just be happy for me...thats all I am asking for right now...I have literally never asked anything of you, except this...
between you and my mother I don't know how I don't have an ulcer right now. I feel like all I am doing is trying to please you both...and in it I am losing my own happiness.
I have less than a week left to enjoy my life before its back to the hell hole that is Tallahassee, I intend to enjoy myself no matter what....wish me luck, because apparently I am going to need it...
I'm so fucking sick of walking on eggshells... sometimes I seriously feel like I am dating you. I'm not your fucking girlfriend, you have to stop treating me like this or I am going to explode. Sometimes when I am around you I feel myself acting angry like you and I don't want to act like that... I know I can't really blame you, but sometimes you are so fucking negative that I can't help it... you make everyone so uncomfortable when you treat him like that, I don't know how he stands it.... stop pushing people away, just to see how much they can take... stop thinking that people need to give you the moon, stop being so angry at the whole entire world....and if you can't fucking handle it, stop dishing it out. I know I am sensitive, but good lord, I seriously feel like I have to be careful of the things I do and say around you and sometimes I just can't handle it, sometimes I'm just not up to it.... I love you, I swear to God, the things that are great about you are so amazing, but the stark contrast is just sometimes way too much to take....the closer I get to you, the worse it gets, and I don't know if thats because you are expecting so much from me, or because you have gotten so comfortable, its probabaly both...and also the fact that I allow people to walk all over me... but you are dulling my happiness, and I honest to God feel like you are doing it on purpose. I feel like sometimes you can't stand to see other people happy, I think you are happy being miserable, or maybe thats just all you know, so the old saying "misery loves company" is proving to be true... I thought we got over a huge hurdle.. but now the prospect of moving home isn't shining quite so brightly if everything is always going to be like this. I try so hard to please you, to make sure you are happy and to work my life around yours when I am home, and I have to stop and ask myself, why am I doing this? Why do you feel its rude when people don't bend over backwards to show you how much they appreciate you when you can't do the same back?
I need to stop, I thought writing this all down would make me feel better, would get it out, allow myself to let go.... but the more I write the more I realize I had pent up inside me...I want to say that I know you mean well, and I don't think you act the way you do out of selfishness... but I don't know if I can say those things anymore..... I don't know how much I believe them.
I just need to go to sleep I think.....I just want to move to an island where drama doesn't exist and I can just be allowed to enjoy falling in love right now...why is this happening to me? I guess its true what they say about the world needing a balance. I should have realized that nothing as good as Alex happening to me could have come alone, that there would need to be some cosmic balance to even things out.. I couldn't be allowed to be as happy as I was without some shit hitting the fan and bringing me back to reality... I guess I just thought the 3-4 years of bullshit and depression was enough to balance things out... apparently not.
Please just let me be happy... stop being this jealous monster that you have turned into and just be happy for me...thats all I am asking for right now...I have literally never asked anything of you, except this...
between you and my mother I don't know how I don't have an ulcer right now. I feel like all I am doing is trying to please you both...and in it I am losing my own happiness.
I have less than a week left to enjoy my life before its back to the hell hole that is Tallahassee, I intend to enjoy myself no matter what....wish me luck, because apparently I am going to need it...