(no subject)
wtf... who am I these days.... more importantly, who is it that I want to be? I'm not even concerned with what others think, or will think... I just don't even know what I think. What it is that I inevitably want...what I want for now, and what I want for later. things are soo upside down and backwards right now. I don't know which way is up, and what to call myself these days. I'm going to stop having opinions because I will inevitably contradict myself and und up being a hypocrite.
why did it have to end up like THAT? I took a step out of my box, the walls of which I had been slowly building since freshman year. I finally said "fuck it" and tore every one of them down. and that is what I ended up with? Should I take this as a sign God? Should I retreat into the safety of my overworn walls? or should I just head in a different direction?
I so badly want to just let loose and have fun. But I don't want to suffer any consequences. I want to be able to sleep at night and look myself in the eye. I don't want to lose control. I want it to be pure. I want to be two completely different people. Legitimately. I want to be fun, let loose, let my hair down and not give a fuck what anyone else thinks... then I want to be true, pure and good.
So what do I do? Who do I listen to? all I know is I want this fucking pain in my chest, this edge of tears bull to just get the fuck away from me and let me be. this weight on my shoulders, this cynicism. I want to give it back to wherever it came from.
I want the real deal. I want the relationship and the reality of everything that comes with that... but lately I don't trust anyone further than I can throw them. and I haven't wanted to put in the effort. I just want to have fun, but thats so empty. Thats not really like me... but then again I don't even know who this ME is.
why can't someone just tell me? why can't I just find the answers waiting for me in a book or written neatly out for me? I don't want to wonder anymore... should I do this? should I do that? What will happen if this... if that.... I'm tired of caring about repercussions, but If I stop thinking about those the aftermath could blowup in my face.
why is life so fucking complicated? I just want to see things in black in white. Grey is So. Fucking. Confusing.
blah.
someone else take over the desicions in my life please. any takers?
why did it have to end up like THAT? I took a step out of my box, the walls of which I had been slowly building since freshman year. I finally said "fuck it" and tore every one of them down. and that is what I ended up with? Should I take this as a sign God? Should I retreat into the safety of my overworn walls? or should I just head in a different direction?
I so badly want to just let loose and have fun. But I don't want to suffer any consequences. I want to be able to sleep at night and look myself in the eye. I don't want to lose control. I want it to be pure. I want to be two completely different people. Legitimately. I want to be fun, let loose, let my hair down and not give a fuck what anyone else thinks... then I want to be true, pure and good.
So what do I do? Who do I listen to? all I know is I want this fucking pain in my chest, this edge of tears bull to just get the fuck away from me and let me be. this weight on my shoulders, this cynicism. I want to give it back to wherever it came from.
I want the real deal. I want the relationship and the reality of everything that comes with that... but lately I don't trust anyone further than I can throw them. and I haven't wanted to put in the effort. I just want to have fun, but thats so empty. Thats not really like me... but then again I don't even know who this ME is.
why can't someone just tell me? why can't I just find the answers waiting for me in a book or written neatly out for me? I don't want to wonder anymore... should I do this? should I do that? What will happen if this... if that.... I'm tired of caring about repercussions, but If I stop thinking about those the aftermath could blowup in my face.
why is life so fucking complicated? I just want to see things in black in white. Grey is So. Fucking. Confusing.
blah.
someone else take over the desicions in my life please. any takers?