Seeking
Everybody needs a life word- a verb that symbolizes their worldview, purpose, and sense of self. Many people today have similar life words, like "achieve," "succeed," "gain," "go!" Always more. I think my life word is "seek." I am on a journey of self-reflection, insight, and discovery. And yes, I too want more. I found on accident that if you just open yourself up to the universe, stop trying so fucking hard, trust in God, and just let go, the most amazing things will happen to you. Things that you never knew you wanted, but somehow fit so perfectly with who you are and what you want out of life. There's something out there that knows what you need to be happy or to find some sort of fulfillment and excitement in life. Something knows what you need, and if you just let go you can get it. Letting go is the hardest part. As intelligent beings, we have programmed ourselves to be overly controlling and directing. We believe that we make our own destiny. And I agree to some extent. However, fate is still alive and well, swirling around you and into the cosmos just waiting for the opportune moment to show you just what you're missing. This is where I am. After Mom died, part of me just stopped working. I was broken and didn't know how to hold on anymore, especially since the person I held on to the tightest was gone. I let go... Don't get me wrong, I still hold on to a part of her. I keep her close to my heart. But I let go of trying to make things better, changing things, distracting myself. I let go... and said one simple word. Yes. Now I find myself seeking- exploring the world, growing deeper in my relationships, loving more, worrying less. Taking in what this life, and God, and the universe, and all it's glorious energy have to offer me. And I am happy. I still miss her and long for her everyday. I still cry for her. But I embrace the pain, and feel it with every fiber of my being... Because I'm supposed to be here. Fate wants me to feel this loss and grow from it. It wants me to mourn for the loss of my mother and for the part of me that will never repair, in order for me to never take advantage of anything ever again. So now I find myself here, living in the Dominican Republic until God tells me to go home. Working for Him, and for these kids, and for myself. Growing, learning, living everyday. Always seeking.