But What if I am Wrong?
If things are so perfect, if I have everything I ever wanted, then why do I feel so utterly heartbroken? Like I miss something I never knew. Like I long for something I never had. I feel as though something huge in my life left me, slipped through my fingers because I wasn't strong enough to keep it close. And now I'm too lost or too afraid to get it back. What will I sacrifice if I try to find it? Am I willing to lose everything I have built since my alleged "transformation?" No, not this time. But that doesn't change anything.
I want to run away again. Far away this time. The coast won't do. Not Savannah, not NYC. I'm 24 years old, and I still can't get over all this emptiness that I want to escape from. I'm looking for something new, something chaotic, always... Maybe Europe? When things got too ordinary and too familiar, I had nothing to keep me from planning my escape. But now I have him, and he is the only thing that keeps me here. I asked him to runaway with me tonight, and he said he would. But I know better. He will never leave the valley... and I love him for that.
I feel like everything around me is so fake and pointless, and my mind is screaming to do something creative, but I just can't. Maybe I'll pick up guitar again.
I've been thinking about Michelle a lot lately, knowing she could give me the inspiration and drama I both crave and dread.
All this shit hit me hard since Elise died. She was one of the most genuine people in my life, and now I realize how most of my relationships are a complete sham. I miss meaningful relationships, but it seems as though all I do is replace one right after the other instead of holding on to what I have. Bre started it all in 9th grade when she decided that popularity was more important than our 6 years of being best friends. And Debbie replaced Bre, Jenn replaced Debbie, Cayley replaced Jenn, Elise replaced Cayley... And Elise killed herself, breaking the cycle, but reminding me of the loneliness I want to runaway from.
God, I miss her.
Re-reading this, I realize how none of it will make sense to anyone except myself, or maybe Kat. She would see how I will leave before becoming too attached, before anyone has the chance to abandon me. She knows, and that is why we are so perfect together, even when we are apart.
I still miss, and long, and crave. I am still unhappy and unsatisfied. I am still completely addicted and self-destructive. I'm just better at hiding it now. But since she's been gone, everything else has continued to slip away with her.
A thousand stars,
You will have my world.
I'm bright enough to fill the cracks.
A familiar sound,
A familiar voice,
Makes it so hard to make a choice.
I don't know if I should stay...
I ran to you like water,
I threw my body in.
And I'll stand up on the ocean
Just to show you that I am strong.
But what if I am wrong?