A Broken Promise, We Were Not Honest
I write with honesty that I have never felt so alone before. I am hanging on to nothing but the failure that has yet to come. Unfortunately I sometimes believe that I am special enough to soften hearts. I need affection. I need to be a part of someone's life, not just in it. I need to be shown off as the prize on his arm, and see him standing tall with me next to him. I need him to run to me because he cannot bear to be away from me. Am I difficult to love, or easy to use? Or both?
I'm hungry but I refuse to eat. In the abscence of alcohol and cannibus hunger pains are my method to cope. I have thought seriously about driving to buy cheap beer and drink this away, even just for tonight. He says he loves me and needs me in his life. I somewhat believe him. I cannot call him to beg him to hold me tonight because I am still sharing him and will continue to do so until I make it stop. After everything, I wish I could believe that I am the only one whose body he ravishes. It may be true, but he's not here for me to rebuild that trust. This felt so real for a few sweet weeks. Now, here I am again, alone and missing him. I think it really is time to cut it loose. As much as I want to tell him this and pray that he will make me stay, I don't think that I should. It just feels so artificial.
People ask me face to face if I am ok and I fake a smile and say yes. When asked through electronics, I break down and cry and simply reply, "I'm fine." I'm tired of looking in the mirror to see swollen red eyes and soggy cheeks. I'm broken inside and out. You promised to make this work and I promised to be patient, I don't know if you're still trying to hold up you're end of the bargain but I fear that I have made a promise that I cannot keep. I need affection.
I'm hungry but I refuse to eat. In the abscence of alcohol and cannibus hunger pains are my method to cope. I have thought seriously about driving to buy cheap beer and drink this away, even just for tonight. He says he loves me and needs me in his life. I somewhat believe him. I cannot call him to beg him to hold me tonight because I am still sharing him and will continue to do so until I make it stop. After everything, I wish I could believe that I am the only one whose body he ravishes. It may be true, but he's not here for me to rebuild that trust. This felt so real for a few sweet weeks. Now, here I am again, alone and missing him. I think it really is time to cut it loose. As much as I want to tell him this and pray that he will make me stay, I don't think that I should. It just feels so artificial.
People ask me face to face if I am ok and I fake a smile and say yes. When asked through electronics, I break down and cry and simply reply, "I'm fine." I'm tired of looking in the mirror to see swollen red eyes and soggy cheeks. I'm broken inside and out. You promised to make this work and I promised to be patient, I don't know if you're still trying to hold up you're end of the bargain but I fear that I have made a promise that I cannot keep. I need affection.