I Wish
I wish that people would stop asking me, "So, what are you doing these days?"
There is no good answer to that question. I used to be such a high achiever that everyone heard about what I was doing--winning awards, getting honors, publishing my writing, et cetera ad nauseam. Now the people who know "what I'm doing these days" don't talk about it because it's an embarrassment, but people still ask because they feel this need to make small talk. How do I answer that, really?
"I spend all day every day obsessing about food. Either I'm terrified of it and avoiding it, or I'm stuffing it down my throat and puking it all back up. And there's the on-the-scale off-the-scale on-the-scale-again routine several times a day. And the obsessive calculations of calories eaten, calories burned, weight, BMI."
Or maybe this:
"I'm in therapy three times a week, and most of the rest of the time I'm sitting on my butt waiting for a call from a treatment center for really crazy people because I can't seem to make myself get better."
What I usually settle on is something vague and noncommittal:
"Oh, I'm sort of taking some time off to figure out what I want to do."
I wish it were okay to say, "You know what? I'm having a hard time. I am really struggling, and I can't get my life together on my own, so I'm getting help, and that means I have to take a little break from my usual overachievement. And you know what, I'm okay with that because I want to get better...I deserve better than hating myself all the time and feeling like I have to destroy myself, so I'm getting some help." But if you say things like that, people don't know what to say, and they never treat you the same again, and they won't look you in the eye anymore, so you gloss over the truth, gloss over the things you really wish you could say so that you could actually connect with another human being, one who isn't paid to not act awkward when you say those things.
I'm not sure that made a lot of sense, but here I am.
There is no good answer to that question. I used to be such a high achiever that everyone heard about what I was doing--winning awards, getting honors, publishing my writing, et cetera ad nauseam. Now the people who know "what I'm doing these days" don't talk about it because it's an embarrassment, but people still ask because they feel this need to make small talk. How do I answer that, really?
"I spend all day every day obsessing about food. Either I'm terrified of it and avoiding it, or I'm stuffing it down my throat and puking it all back up. And there's the on-the-scale off-the-scale on-the-scale-again routine several times a day. And the obsessive calculations of calories eaten, calories burned, weight, BMI."
Or maybe this:
"I'm in therapy three times a week, and most of the rest of the time I'm sitting on my butt waiting for a call from a treatment center for really crazy people because I can't seem to make myself get better."
What I usually settle on is something vague and noncommittal:
"Oh, I'm sort of taking some time off to figure out what I want to do."
I wish it were okay to say, "You know what? I'm having a hard time. I am really struggling, and I can't get my life together on my own, so I'm getting help, and that means I have to take a little break from my usual overachievement. And you know what, I'm okay with that because I want to get better...I deserve better than hating myself all the time and feeling like I have to destroy myself, so I'm getting some help." But if you say things like that, people don't know what to say, and they never treat you the same again, and they won't look you in the eye anymore, so you gloss over the truth, gloss over the things you really wish you could say so that you could actually connect with another human being, one who isn't paid to not act awkward when you say those things.
I'm not sure that made a lot of sense, but here I am.