Thanksgiving Meditation
I never do anything straightforward, do I? Last night I really just wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself, hadn't gotten desperate enough to find the guts to do that...so I started writing instead. I handwrote a very negative poem and then started typing a long letter-esque thing addressed to my therapist but which I never seriously intended for her to read. I got a ceramic coffee cup and burned the poem in the garage--poor rabbit's probably going to die of smoke inhalation. I wanted to do another piece of artwork, but I didn't have a piece of paper big enough--I need a sheet of butcher paper the size of me. So instead, I pulled out my pencil and started writing again, about my expectations of and hopes for recovery when I started out, as a contrast to what I'm realizing now that recovery is.
There's no one who's going to rescue you or save you. If you want to live, you have to do it on your own.
No one's going to spend all their time reassuring you of your wirth. You'd better find it yourself and treasure the knowledge somewhere deep inside of you, where no one can touch it or take it away from you.
No one's going to hold your hands to keep you from slitting the veins open. Decide now where you want your blood--inside you or out.
No one's going to make sure you eat or make sure you don't puke after you do or take away your precious laxatives. If you want your body to continue to function, you'd best take care of it on your own.
No one's going to take your memories away so you don't have to remember them. It's your life to live, and you have to come to terms with your own history.
No one's going to make you speak when you need to. Find your voice and use it.
No one's going to help you if you insist you can do it on your own and refuse to show any weakness or need. Stop complaining about now getting the help you want and ask for it.
No one else is going to decide for you that your life is worth living. Stop straddling the fence. You say you don't want to die, so start learning to live.
I made my decision. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
There's no one who's going to rescue you or save you. If you want to live, you have to do it on your own.
No one's going to spend all their time reassuring you of your wirth. You'd better find it yourself and treasure the knowledge somewhere deep inside of you, where no one can touch it or take it away from you.
No one's going to hold your hands to keep you from slitting the veins open. Decide now where you want your blood--inside you or out.
No one's going to make sure you eat or make sure you don't puke after you do or take away your precious laxatives. If you want your body to continue to function, you'd best take care of it on your own.
No one's going to take your memories away so you don't have to remember them. It's your life to live, and you have to come to terms with your own history.
No one's going to make you speak when you need to. Find your voice and use it.
No one's going to help you if you insist you can do it on your own and refuse to show any weakness or need. Stop complaining about now getting the help you want and ask for it.
No one else is going to decide for you that your life is worth living. Stop straddling the fence. You say you don't want to die, so start learning to live.
I made my decision. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.