Friendship Is a Two Way Street
I understand that I have the capacity to detach emotionally when examining an issue. I often forget that some people lack this ability. This ability allows me to look at some past events and see the emotional subtext and its impact on the situation.
For example a player of mine was habitually late for games. He had no problem with making the other players wait. This was incredibly disrespectful on that player’s behalf, but the fact that he was a friend generated a certain level of tolerance. Each time he made the other players wait it created a certain friction, but usually the good feelings generated by the game were enough to override an immediate reaction to that friction. The irritation it created remained, but they didn’t feel it needed a comment. In fact it wasn’t until he was forced to wait for a couple of players that had car trouble and made a complete ass out of himself that the players were willing to voice their irritation. However, at that point they weren’t just reacting to his immediate behavior, but to all of the times he had made them wait and the clear low value he placed on their time compared to his own.
All of the players came to me as the GM and demanded something be done about his behavior. They weren’t suggesting that he be removed from the game, but they were no longer willing to put up with his attitude regarding the value of their time. I took measures to demand that he be on time or skip sessions after that. The first time he was asked to leave a session because he was late he stormed off in a huff and didn’t return for three years.
That is one of the most interesting elements of a role-playing game. If the players consider themselves friends the friendship factor often blinds the players to the friction generated by their actions, or the implications that follow until the friction level reaches critical mass.
What is even more interesting is that the players will often go into a state of denial when their, shall we say less than charitable, feelings are revealed. They may dislike having to put up with a player who habitually makes special demands on the game, but because they are friends they try to do the nice thing. The irritation may be natural, but to suggest that they feel it strikes a little too close to home. At that point they become defensive and deny that they are even having demands placed upon them.
I guess it is human nature that when one is lying to himself he really hates having that lie revealed. When one has a certain self image supported by a self-delusion pointing out that you can see through that self-delusion is perceived as quite a threat.
I find that quite fascinating because when I am faced with someone else’s observation of my behavior the first thing I do is examine their perception to see if there might be any accuracy to it. I regularly check my own motives for so it provides me with a handy double check. It doesn’t seem that this is a standard response.
Initially I thought that this was a case of, “we can feel put upon by one of our members making unreasonable demands on us, but you can’t.” It was a reasonable hypothesis, but it proved to be incomplete. It wasn’t just the judgment about their friend’s demands that created the response, but the suggestion that they found those demands irritating, frustrating, whatever… that caused considerable overreaction.
The direction I am going with this is not only is it ok to feel that someone (even a friend) is making unreasonable demands upon you and be irritated by it, it is healthier to discuss that early on before it becomes an emotional hot button. Friendship is supposed to be a two way street. It is natural for friends to accommodate each other, but when the accommodation is primarily one direction it can create problems. These problems can be avoided by bringing them out in the open when they are small and easy to deal with. If people swallow their frustration again and again until something extra happens to tip the scales then the emotional response will be disproportional to the trigger incident.
S-