So yeah...it's been a while
I haven't done this in a while, and unfortunately, I have quite a number of locked posts and audio posts from my cell phone conversations to my LiveJournal that will likely never be transcribed or edited for public consumption. Some would have direct (largely negative) effects on some of the folks who read this, so they will likely stay hidden as my own personal rants. But away we go. No rhyme or reason on this one, just laying things out as I think of them.
Keep your damn backstage passes
Projekt Revolution...much with the rockage. I liked Linkin Park before, but I'm in flat out love with them after seeing them live. Oddly enough, I had a blast listening to Snoop Dogg perform, even though I'm not a huge fan of much of his solo music. (I am however a huge fan of many of his collaborations with other rappers and artists.) I'm also a huge fan of hanging out with Nex and Lady Nex from here on out. It's fun to have a couple that you can hang with both, and it's nice to have a female friend out there. (It's time like these that I miss Liniah being local. More power to her for getting out of this town, and meeting Claus, and I'm super happy for all that. But damn I miss some of our conversations. I'm bad lately with staying in contact via e-mail, replying to e-mail, hell even checking my e-mail. And unfortunately, my cell phone plan doesn't cover international calls, or I would be calling constantly. I much prefer voice communication.) So overall, Linkin Park = the fucking cool. Projekt Revolution = the I'll be back every year. (Oh, and I still can't stand Korn, but they were pretty damn cool live. Mr. Davis singing on One Step Closer was supercool as well.)
As for fame and being famous, you know what? You can keep every single movie premiere I've ever wanted to attend, take every other possible celebrity meeting I've ever wanted away from me (including Kevin Smith and John Cusack, my dual deities of entertainment), hell, I'll even give up on coffee with Joss Whedon. Just let me have one hour in a diner to just have horrible in depth conversations on crime, life, and film with Michael Mann. For those that know me, there is no higher film, nothing greater to aspire to emulate in its life philosophies and lessons than his film Heat. However, after seeing Collateral, it looks like I have an equal to my former king, and possibly even a successor to it. I just want unlimited coffee, unlimited cigarettes, a self-emptying ashtray, a very powerful air ionizer, Michael Mann and myself for one hour.
My So-Called Life
So life has been really odd lately. I have this sort of non-existent, yet simultaneously oddly serious romantic relationship, with a female coworker. I'm not really sure how to describe it. We're not making out, we're not knocking boots, but it sure seems like every one thinks we are. She seems to want to do both of the former, but won't allow herself to go outside of her physical ideal type (which certainly isn't me). I want to avoid doing both of the former, as I simply find myself thinking of relationships to be a waste of time and most importantly sex to be an even bigger waste of time. I love our friendship, and sex will only inevitable screw that up. Romance even more so. However, as I continue to get my life in order, my finances more in order, and my physique slowly continues to improve, she seems more attracted. This is not helping the situation any.
I've been doing well on the physical side of things. I'm smoking the same amount as always, which is ten to twelve cigarettes a day. With the exception of when hanging with certain friends in dinners and my college years, I've smoked that exact same amount since literally the very first day I began smoking over ten years ago. I've lost two pant sizes and my face has slimmed down considerably. I've still got the problem with some big ass gams/thighs, but I simply can't find an exercise to work them well enough. Now I need to simply get my actual gym membership squared away, and hold off on losing some more weight in large amounts for another two months. Then I'll have plenty of money squared away to deal with getting a new, better-fitting wardrobe, and actually buying clothes (other than some work outfits) for the first time in nearly seven years.
Mentally and emotionally, well, we'll give that a whole other section.
Work has been...eh, work. The four day intensive schedule is catching up to me, and the early mornings are starting to kill me. I'm making due, and just biding my time until the next tech position opens up at the local office. That's right, I'll be going into the field as a service technician. I'm really looking forward to the increased physical activity, the more challenging job, the extra hours, the second shift timeframe, and the only experience that Comcast is concerned with when it comes to supervisory and managerial positions. Technical experience is more important than any college degree to nearly any position in management for my company.
Once More With Feeling...
Okay, so I haven't done near as well with these areas. I've ignored family and friends a great deal lately. I've done another BroJ distancing himself from virtually everything around him for quite a while, probably my longest period yet. And I'm struggling with serious feelings of inadequacy and self-sabotage. A multitude of different projects of mine are finally coming to fruition, namely the Dreaming Time, The True Facade, the Clan Invasion 3050 server, SR2051, and some other minor works. However, every chance I've been getting, I throw stumbling blocks in my own way. I find ways to delay, rewrite, hem and haw. It's never good enough, it will never be ready, and I consistently find myself wondering why I'm doing any of this work. I've even found myself absentmindedly deleting entire files as if I never want any of this completed. Am I crazy? I'm finally at the point of seeing some of my projects finally completed, and some major progress being made on others and I'm fucking sabotaging myself? I'd either think I have another personality or I'm doing drugs heavily again. Unfortunately, neither really seems true. I seem to find some kind of sick pleasure in actively making sure I never finish something. Why? I've been banging my head about this topic for days, and I've come up with nothing. The True Facade material has been waiting to be sent to Wildfire for days. And it still sits as of this writing. She simply needs my final decisions, and after GenCon, I can start bringing some of the core folks I want posting onboard to begin making actual posts. So why can't I just hit that damn send button? The very idea makes me want to think about spiking or flying again. Ah Christ, I've run out of steam and I don't know how to say or explain it anymore. People will likely be pissed about it, but fuck it. Let them figure it out, since they seem to be so much damn smarter than me when it comes to succeeding at something.
Keep your damn backstage passes
Projekt Revolution...much with the rockage. I liked Linkin Park before, but I'm in flat out love with them after seeing them live. Oddly enough, I had a blast listening to Snoop Dogg perform, even though I'm not a huge fan of much of his solo music. (I am however a huge fan of many of his collaborations with other rappers and artists.) I'm also a huge fan of hanging out with Nex and Lady Nex from here on out. It's fun to have a couple that you can hang with both, and it's nice to have a female friend out there. (It's time like these that I miss Liniah being local. More power to her for getting out of this town, and meeting Claus, and I'm super happy for all that. But damn I miss some of our conversations. I'm bad lately with staying in contact via e-mail, replying to e-mail, hell even checking my e-mail. And unfortunately, my cell phone plan doesn't cover international calls, or I would be calling constantly. I much prefer voice communication.) So overall, Linkin Park = the fucking cool. Projekt Revolution = the I'll be back every year. (Oh, and I still can't stand Korn, but they were pretty damn cool live. Mr. Davis singing on One Step Closer was supercool as well.)
As for fame and being famous, you know what? You can keep every single movie premiere I've ever wanted to attend, take every other possible celebrity meeting I've ever wanted away from me (including Kevin Smith and John Cusack, my dual deities of entertainment), hell, I'll even give up on coffee with Joss Whedon. Just let me have one hour in a diner to just have horrible in depth conversations on crime, life, and film with Michael Mann. For those that know me, there is no higher film, nothing greater to aspire to emulate in its life philosophies and lessons than his film Heat. However, after seeing Collateral, it looks like I have an equal to my former king, and possibly even a successor to it. I just want unlimited coffee, unlimited cigarettes, a self-emptying ashtray, a very powerful air ionizer, Michael Mann and myself for one hour.
My So-Called Life
So life has been really odd lately. I have this sort of non-existent, yet simultaneously oddly serious romantic relationship, with a female coworker. I'm not really sure how to describe it. We're not making out, we're not knocking boots, but it sure seems like every one thinks we are. She seems to want to do both of the former, but won't allow herself to go outside of her physical ideal type (which certainly isn't me). I want to avoid doing both of the former, as I simply find myself thinking of relationships to be a waste of time and most importantly sex to be an even bigger waste of time. I love our friendship, and sex will only inevitable screw that up. Romance even more so. However, as I continue to get my life in order, my finances more in order, and my physique slowly continues to improve, she seems more attracted. This is not helping the situation any.
I've been doing well on the physical side of things. I'm smoking the same amount as always, which is ten to twelve cigarettes a day. With the exception of when hanging with certain friends in dinners and my college years, I've smoked that exact same amount since literally the very first day I began smoking over ten years ago. I've lost two pant sizes and my face has slimmed down considerably. I've still got the problem with some big ass gams/thighs, but I simply can't find an exercise to work them well enough. Now I need to simply get my actual gym membership squared away, and hold off on losing some more weight in large amounts for another two months. Then I'll have plenty of money squared away to deal with getting a new, better-fitting wardrobe, and actually buying clothes (other than some work outfits) for the first time in nearly seven years.
Mentally and emotionally, well, we'll give that a whole other section.
Work has been...eh, work. The four day intensive schedule is catching up to me, and the early mornings are starting to kill me. I'm making due, and just biding my time until the next tech position opens up at the local office. That's right, I'll be going into the field as a service technician. I'm really looking forward to the increased physical activity, the more challenging job, the extra hours, the second shift timeframe, and the only experience that Comcast is concerned with when it comes to supervisory and managerial positions. Technical experience is more important than any college degree to nearly any position in management for my company.
Once More With Feeling...
Okay, so I haven't done near as well with these areas. I've ignored family and friends a great deal lately. I've done another BroJ distancing himself from virtually everything around him for quite a while, probably my longest period yet. And I'm struggling with serious feelings of inadequacy and self-sabotage. A multitude of different projects of mine are finally coming to fruition, namely the Dreaming Time, The True Facade, the Clan Invasion 3050 server, SR2051, and some other minor works. However, every chance I've been getting, I throw stumbling blocks in my own way. I find ways to delay, rewrite, hem and haw. It's never good enough, it will never be ready, and I consistently find myself wondering why I'm doing any of this work. I've even found myself absentmindedly deleting entire files as if I never want any of this completed. Am I crazy? I'm finally at the point of seeing some of my projects finally completed, and some major progress being made on others and I'm fucking sabotaging myself? I'd either think I have another personality or I'm doing drugs heavily again. Unfortunately, neither really seems true. I seem to find some kind of sick pleasure in actively making sure I never finish something. Why? I've been banging my head about this topic for days, and I've come up with nothing. The True Facade material has been waiting to be sent to Wildfire for days. And it still sits as of this writing. She simply needs my final decisions, and after GenCon, I can start bringing some of the core folks I want posting onboard to begin making actual posts. So why can't I just hit that damn send button? The very idea makes me want to think about spiking or flying again. Ah Christ, I've run out of steam and I don't know how to say or explain it anymore. People will likely be pissed about it, but fuck it. Let them figure it out, since they seem to be so much damn smarter than me when it comes to succeeding at something.