It's a party... it's a party..it's a party....eehhhhhh!
Sitting here feeeling like I've run a marathosn, though I've never un one of those. I just feel beat. So maybe thats a bad comparison. I'm sure after a marathon you would feel accomplished or proud. I share neither of those emotions. I'm just trying to keep focused on things getting better or I get used to living this thing we call a shit ass life. But Life is great!!! (so I don't get the positive affirmations that come with putting your emotions out there, though its appreciated). I've been here before. Just never felt so obligated to prove that I am better than I've been. I've reached a point that I've never been. I don't want to say I give up, but I just don't want to deal with the nonsense that I put up with anymore. Not from anyone, but I've got to find something I either never had or something I stopped using a long time ago. And I really don't know what that is exactly... maybe its courage. But I don't feel like I don't have that. I feel like I just don't fit in and I'm trying to find that right place to fit in, but every place is full. To sum it up... that old 50 cent song on the chorus he says "I don't cry no more, don't look to the sky no more" not because I've given up, but shit has gotten so real there is no part in my heart that thinks there is a reason to do that. Besides, the universe reacts to you no matter your intention and no matter where you look. I won't ask for mercy or look for mercy in a life that seems to be all about shit I could careless about. So now that I've talked my circles I could try to explain, but putting things out there really hasn't worked or really had any type of affect on my life. So lets try in story form.
The days are long and the nights are cold...and hot. It all depends on the high I've had that day. Whether it was natural or lab created. Wait then again whats a natural high for me? I guess accomplishing things or pursuing goals. For someone that has never completed anything I've started I would have to say that I really can't say I've felt a natural high. I feel like I've settled for my synthetic highs because there is no other way to please me other than to release me from the bondages of life. I don't value breathing as much as the next man. For what? I haven't received or felt like I have the answer yet. You could claim my feelings are caused by a deep depression that has never been solved. Now it's so deep I don't even feel sadness. I'm motivated by anger. It's this idea I have that most people are here making things happen, but for me no matter what I make happen I'm still "here". I hate what I feel and I don't want to settle, but how do I heal. How do I see what isn't there and see what will make me happy. I can't fathom what it feels like to wake up and be happy it's a new day. Last time was Christmas when I was 9 or 8.... the year before I started setting up Christmas for myself. At least I didn't have to buy the toys or anything. So now that I'm older and alone. Why create something for someone so unappreciative (me). I'm not down on myself, but I'm aware that I can be. maybe i'm confusing myself. This was a story, but now its just another circle.
The days are long and the nights are cold...and hot. It all depends on the high I've had that day. Whether it was natural or lab created. Wait then again whats a natural high for me? I guess accomplishing things or pursuing goals. For someone that has never completed anything I've started I would have to say that I really can't say I've felt a natural high. I feel like I've settled for my synthetic highs because there is no other way to please me other than to release me from the bondages of life. I don't value breathing as much as the next man. For what? I haven't received or felt like I have the answer yet. You could claim my feelings are caused by a deep depression that has never been solved. Now it's so deep I don't even feel sadness. I'm motivated by anger. It's this idea I have that most people are here making things happen, but for me no matter what I make happen I'm still "here". I hate what I feel and I don't want to settle, but how do I heal. How do I see what isn't there and see what will make me happy. I can't fathom what it feels like to wake up and be happy it's a new day. Last time was Christmas when I was 9 or 8.... the year before I started setting up Christmas for myself. At least I didn't have to buy the toys or anything. So now that I'm older and alone. Why create something for someone so unappreciative (me). I'm not down on myself, but I'm aware that I can be. maybe i'm confusing myself. This was a story, but now its just another circle.