that's what i want
ladies, gentlemen, and undecided...
you might relate to a situation i unfortunately found myself in this past week.
to my despair i discovered that sadly my incoming funds are failing to keep pace with my outgoings, and i, though decidedly blue-blooded, had been driven down to a mere personal wealth of $2.99.
that situation rectified after direct deposit kicked in this past wednesday, but as recently as tuesday, i was poor.
being poor sucks, so i am suggesting the following steps to ensure that you don't ever have to experience it.
but first we need to define what poor is. poor, adj., is suck. poor is when you're monetary funds are gone and you feel yourself becoming uglier by the minute, and the dude picking your cans -- YOUR cans, the ones you threw away last week because you simply don't do the bottle returning thing -- out of the apartment complex's rubbish bins is starting to look like a new mate to go introduce yourself to, and maybe set up an afterwork leisure activity of shootin squirrels and roastin them up fer supper. when you're poor you can't properly conjugate verbs and therefore drop the "g" off of the "-ing" suffix. when you're poor you have to sort through the dirty laundry for a pair of boxers in the morning. preferably ones from at least a month ago, so they will seem newer than those from the past week or so. when you're poor, any clothes properly made in a sweatshop bearing the banana republic label don't seem to fit, so you have to wear clothes from wal-mart that say "made in u.s.a." on the label, whatever that means. poor is when you think being a jerry is cool, because you don't have to buy crap like razors, shaving cream, toothpaste, deodorant or shoes. poor is when you address people as "bro." poor is when you actively seek out life threatening diseases, like hiv or republican, to end your crappy life a little sooner. and, among other things too lugubrious to list, poor is when you have to ration your bill-paying activity and pay only the necessities, like your supplier.
yeah, poor is a lot of words. but it all amounts to the fact that poor sucks.
how, you ask, to avoid this situation? i'll tell you... in a mere three steps:
1) steal. steal from everyone, every son of a pup you come across, especially if they do not exhibit signs of being poor. because, and this is important, if you somehow fail, and do become poor, you don't want too much competition. so don't steal from anyone who looks like they might be getting poor; they could get there before you, and steal all them good squirrels, bro. steal from the man. steal from the... woman. steal money, steal bread, steal prescriptions (you can sell them and use them - a great commodity), steal from the ugly, they deserve it, and steal from the old because they can't run properly. steal from people who smell. steal from people who are color blind, the freaks.
2) once you have your stolen money, invest it. by that i mean loan it out at high interest to people whom you can actively blackmail if they show hesitance to reimburse you properly. you can, for instance, finance a mad person's desire to snuff someone off by providing them with a reasonably priced hitman. make sure to charge a good 45% interest on that loan, and have a proper legal contract drawn up. that way you'll avoid the awkward situation of being found guilty of premeditated murder. you could also invest in drugs, because whenever someone's jonesing you'll be paid well. or you could start your own business. i have found that a dot com business does particular well if it is webcam-based; all you'll have to do is a little self-promotion, and continuously run a pre-recorded 45 minute... er... session...
3) once you've invested your cash, you're nearly all set for the high life. the only thing you have to do now is kill everyone who knew you when you were poor. especially that guy you got matey with from the dumpster. that way there will be zero record of your previously sad and somewhat dodgy existence. stay tuned for good tips on murder, i'm really tired and bored now so i don't feel like giving you that information yet.
so there you go! i aim to help, you know, but a little disclaimer... the aforementioned is not a guarantee, just a small list of the steps i have found useful in the procurement of funds.
because poor is suck.
but i am not poor anymore, i had payday on wednesday. thanks heather!
late.
you might relate to a situation i unfortunately found myself in this past week.
to my despair i discovered that sadly my incoming funds are failing to keep pace with my outgoings, and i, though decidedly blue-blooded, had been driven down to a mere personal wealth of $2.99.
that situation rectified after direct deposit kicked in this past wednesday, but as recently as tuesday, i was poor.
being poor sucks, so i am suggesting the following steps to ensure that you don't ever have to experience it.
but first we need to define what poor is. poor, adj., is suck. poor is when you're monetary funds are gone and you feel yourself becoming uglier by the minute, and the dude picking your cans -- YOUR cans, the ones you threw away last week because you simply don't do the bottle returning thing -- out of the apartment complex's rubbish bins is starting to look like a new mate to go introduce yourself to, and maybe set up an afterwork leisure activity of shootin squirrels and roastin them up fer supper. when you're poor you can't properly conjugate verbs and therefore drop the "g" off of the "-ing" suffix. when you're poor you have to sort through the dirty laundry for a pair of boxers in the morning. preferably ones from at least a month ago, so they will seem newer than those from the past week or so. when you're poor, any clothes properly made in a sweatshop bearing the banana republic label don't seem to fit, so you have to wear clothes from wal-mart that say "made in u.s.a." on the label, whatever that means. poor is when you think being a jerry is cool, because you don't have to buy crap like razors, shaving cream, toothpaste, deodorant or shoes. poor is when you address people as "bro." poor is when you actively seek out life threatening diseases, like hiv or republican, to end your crappy life a little sooner. and, among other things too lugubrious to list, poor is when you have to ration your bill-paying activity and pay only the necessities, like your supplier.
yeah, poor is a lot of words. but it all amounts to the fact that poor sucks.
how, you ask, to avoid this situation? i'll tell you... in a mere three steps:
1) steal. steal from everyone, every son of a pup you come across, especially if they do not exhibit signs of being poor. because, and this is important, if you somehow fail, and do become poor, you don't want too much competition. so don't steal from anyone who looks like they might be getting poor; they could get there before you, and steal all them good squirrels, bro. steal from the man. steal from the... woman. steal money, steal bread, steal prescriptions (you can sell them and use them - a great commodity), steal from the ugly, they deserve it, and steal from the old because they can't run properly. steal from people who smell. steal from people who are color blind, the freaks.
2) once you have your stolen money, invest it. by that i mean loan it out at high interest to people whom you can actively blackmail if they show hesitance to reimburse you properly. you can, for instance, finance a mad person's desire to snuff someone off by providing them with a reasonably priced hitman. make sure to charge a good 45% interest on that loan, and have a proper legal contract drawn up. that way you'll avoid the awkward situation of being found guilty of premeditated murder. you could also invest in drugs, because whenever someone's jonesing you'll be paid well. or you could start your own business. i have found that a dot com business does particular well if it is webcam-based; all you'll have to do is a little self-promotion, and continuously run a pre-recorded 45 minute... er... session...
3) once you've invested your cash, you're nearly all set for the high life. the only thing you have to do now is kill everyone who knew you when you were poor. especially that guy you got matey with from the dumpster. that way there will be zero record of your previously sad and somewhat dodgy existence. stay tuned for good tips on murder, i'm really tired and bored now so i don't feel like giving you that information yet.
so there you go! i aim to help, you know, but a little disclaimer... the aforementioned is not a guarantee, just a small list of the steps i have found useful in the procurement of funds.
because poor is suck.
but i am not poor anymore, i had payday on wednesday. thanks heather!
late.