A Leap of Faith
I don't have much time but I feel the need to leave some trace of my existence here. As the end of the term approaches my life has become chaotic and beyond busy, leaving me with little time to blog. Although I have had quite a few random thoughts that I would have liked to share. Perhaps in two weeks I will. For now, in my few minutes between classes, I'm going to attempt to get a little emotion out.
In a week from today I'll be meeting my girlfriend in person for the first time. In a week from yesterday we will have been dating online for four months. Four months! How did four months manage to go by this quickly? Yet seem so achingly slow while it was passing? The way that love seems to morph and warp our perception of time is something I thought could only exist in worlds of fantasy. All of it seems unbelievable. Somehow four months has felt like four days and four years simultaneously. Honestly, I feel like I've known her forever. I feel like I've loved her forever. I can barely remember what life was like before her and I don't want to dare to imagine what life would be like without her. Somehow she's managed to make me feel more loved from two timezones away than anyone else ever has. The capacity and strength of her love continues to amaze and inspire me every day.
The fact that she's coming here, that in seven days she'll be here, scares me. It excites me. It's an exhilarating thought that also seems impossible. While I can't imagine my life without her, I can't really imagine my life with her, either. Not in a way that doesn't feel like a fantasy or story. Maybe because I've never had someone in my life in a romantic way before. Maybe because of the distance. I'm not really sure. But the whole idea of her being here with me, being able to reach out and touch her when I want to instead of telling her I want to, is a concept I can't fully wrap my head around.
I can't wait for her to be here. I am overwhelmed with excitement when I think about it. But there's this little voice in the back of my mind that's occasionally terrifying me. And her, too. It's the voice that speaks that "what if" that could destroy everything. What if the chemistry isn't there in person? What if we don't work together the way we do online? What if something is missing that can't be found or created? I'll be devastated. For both of us. My heart will be broken for what we think we have.
I hope everything works out and the chemistry is all there. All of the signs point to that being the case. Everything has worked out so very well up until this point. I can't believe that everything would work so perfectly and so smoothly only to have it painfully shattered. Our personalities compliment each oher so well. We clicked so instantly. I've never had that with anyone else. I have to believe that we will click that way in person, too. Otherwise, none of this will have made sense. I'm choosing to be optimistic despite the fear. I'm taking a leap of faith and I can only hope that when she takes it, too, we end up falling hand in hand even deeper into love.