Today I am Me. Today I love.
January 31, 2009 officially goes down in my personal history book as one of the most amazing days ever.
Imagine drowning. Imagine you're trapped under water. You were expecting to be under for an extended length of time so you had drawn a great breath of air before ducking beneath the shimmering surface. However, when you try to come up for air you're caught and your head can't breach the surface. Panic blankets your mind and instantly the need to inhale is unbearable. Your lungs take over in an attempt to force inhalation and clogging your airway with your tongue is the only way you can keep water from invading your body. You struggle to break free; kicking and clawing to no avail. The panic is so strong it feels as though it's a foreign being inside of you trying to force it's way out. You can't scream. You can't cry. You can't get free. You need to breathe. You have to breathe. Your mind is spinning, unable to focus on any thing and yet one thought is absolute. You're sure you are going to die. Right here. Right now. Because there is no other option. You can't keep your lungs from drawing in the liquid breath that is going to kill you. No one is going to save you. You're about to silently die alone. It is inevitable. And yet you keep fighting. You can't stop. If you stop there is no hope. You kick until every muscle in your body aches. You're fighting when you feel your lungs attempt to expand and you know this is it. You give one last kick, one last stand against death, and you break free. Your head thrusts above the surface of your captor and you inhale. So deeply you choke, gloriously, on the sweet elixir of life. Oxygen overfills your lungs and you feel as though you can never get enough.
Today was my deep, choking breath after almost drowning. I had been drowning in my own secrets and today I finally fought my way free and got to breathe once again. Although, I'm not sure I'd ever been breathing in the first place. For the first time in my life I have no secrets. Finally I stand stripped of all guards; exposed to the world. I bask in my natural, unburdened state. My arms stretched wide, reaching for the stars, grasping love. Today I have finally unlocked the door that kept me from the world and I begin living my life as me. True and free.
I told my mom that I have a girlfriend and that she is 19 years my senior. Today I sat across from my mother, a table full of chinese food between us, and laid the truth down before her. I finally realized that what my mom thinks matters but it shouldn't dictate that I keep parts of my life hidden. For the first time in my life, I cared more about my own happiness than I did about her reaction to part of my life. I realized that I was afraid that her reaction would cause me to feel ashamed of the difference in our ages or what we share. And I was not okay with that. My girlfriend deserves nothing but pride and love from me. She is so good. She is good to her deepest core and she deserves better from me. It finally clicked in my foggy little mind that because I love her and I am so very proud of who she is I should be openly proud of her. She deserves as much public praise as she does private.
I was prepared for a battle. While I am an adult, I'm a young adult and neither my parents nor I have fully grasped the fact that I get to make all of my own decisions. So I had been preparing myself to fight in case she attempted to forbid me to continue the relationship. I believe in preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. Tonight I ended up with something in the many shades between- landing closer to the best.
She was shocked.
Completely understandable.
She was worried.
Also very understandable.
She was open minded.
Very, very, very relieving.
She asked questions, she got a little upset, she ordered a glass of wine and relaxed a little, she attempted- not very successfully- to wrap her head around it. We talked for a good three hours and we covered things all the way back to my struggle in high school to identify my sexual orientation. It was a good talk. There were some awkward moments and there was a point during which I struggled not to cry. But she left at least being able to think semi-clearly and accepting that this was reality.
I'm so utterly relieved. I truly feel like I am finally breathing freely and deeply for the first time in my life. The hurdles aren't all over- but I jumped the tallest one today and cleared it with room to spare. So for right now I am basking in the relief and glory of finally being me. Honest and true. Feeling the wonder that lies in being in love and that being okay. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel normal. I feel like everyone else even though my life and my love are extremely unconventional. Love is universal, it feels the same for everyone and when you get to share it with the people who matter the most in your life instead of hiding it, that's a wonderful gift. Today I am blessed. By life and by love.
Today I am in love.
Today I am free.
Today I am me.
For the first time in my life, I have abandoned my disguise and I walk as myself.
Hand in hand, heart in heart, with the woman I love for the world to see.