Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I am so fucking stupid.
Everything was fine with Chris and I and then I had to go and fuck it up.
Sometimes I wonder wtf is going on with us and if he even likes me.
This seems so stupid but I guess I should just write in here for lack of friends and the fact that it is almost 5am. I just wish I had someone to talk to about this, someone to make it all okay and to make me feel better about the stupid shit I have done. I was wrong and I'm sorry for being wrong. Everyone asks me how is it possible to like someone so fast, I'm just not sure. I keep telling myself that maybe this is a bad idea and i have told myself that from the start only because of past relationships and how they have turned out. Chris is so different though. He treats me better than anyone ever has. I thought before with other guys that i was something speical to them but with him I can see it, and I dont want to lose that. I just want to be with him and i can understand his worries about things, but i just want to prove to him and to myself that i can stop this stupid shit and just move on. I really want to just be done with high school and the more i think about it, i want my ged, but then that means no more social security money for my parents to take care of me, which means id either have to go to college or get a really good job. i honestly need HELP...and i dont know who i can get it from. Right now my parents are saying that i cant have a job unless i finish up school because work and school is going to be too hard for me. I dunno I want to change again. I changed for "someone" before and that ended up nowhere, and i think that is why im so scared to make changes in my life to make Chris happy. The last time i tried to make someone happy it just blew up in my face and ended with nothing. I just wish I was a better person. I wish that I could go back in time and do things another way. Everyone is always fucking bitching about my kid. I love coltin, and i really could care less what people say but wtf should i do. I cannot move out of my house right now because i dont have the money, and finding a job around here is hard. I dunno. I just wanted someone to love and care about me and i wanted to find someone who really meant what they said. I know chris isn't trying to hurt me, but sometimes i feel like the relationship between us isnt going to go anywhere until i graduate or do something with my life. I guess i just need to take some time to think about what im going to do with my life. I guess i could get my ged, although ever since i had coltin ive wanted to have a diploma. I dont want to go back to sharon...that place gave me the worst times of my life and made things so hard on me everyday, and im not strong, everyone knows that. i just dont know what i can do to make things better for me and chris. i want him to love me and be here to support my decisions. everyone that knows me knows that my parents dont do that, and maybe im going a little crazy and making a really big deal of this but i dont want to lose him. Everyone else wanted to get in my pants but he so totally isnt like that and i want to mess up what i have with him even if it means that we aren't "together" yet. I guess giving things time is the best for both of us. Right now is when i wish i had a friend that i could call and talk to them about this but i dont....so i guess its just me and my livejournal until tomorrow when chris and i talk again. how the hell is it possible to have such strong feelings for a person that i met like a month ago? i dunno. I have been in love before, or what i thought was love, but sometimes i think i just wanted someone to be around so i wasnt alone. this time its different. I wish i could spend every moment of each day with him and even though that isnt possible i just wish it was. he makes me so happy even if he doesnt know it. I just dont want to lose him over something so damn stupid like me getting mad over something dumb. I <3 you chris and if you happen to read this know that, and know that im going to make an effort to change and make things better after what happened last night. i just hope this doesnt effect what we already have. i just want to spend time with you like it was before and not have to worry about things. and no i dont want to be with anyone else either, im fine with things the way they are, i just get confused when someone asks me what "we" are. I'm sorry for putting you through all this bullshit tonight. i hope you can forgive me and that things can go back to normal because neither one of us needs another "screw up" to add to the list. I <3 you baby, and im sorry.
Everything was fine with Chris and I and then I had to go and fuck it up.
Sometimes I wonder wtf is going on with us and if he even likes me.
This seems so stupid but I guess I should just write in here for lack of friends and the fact that it is almost 5am. I just wish I had someone to talk to about this, someone to make it all okay and to make me feel better about the stupid shit I have done. I was wrong and I'm sorry for being wrong. Everyone asks me how is it possible to like someone so fast, I'm just not sure. I keep telling myself that maybe this is a bad idea and i have told myself that from the start only because of past relationships and how they have turned out. Chris is so different though. He treats me better than anyone ever has. I thought before with other guys that i was something speical to them but with him I can see it, and I dont want to lose that. I just want to be with him and i can understand his worries about things, but i just want to prove to him and to myself that i can stop this stupid shit and just move on. I really want to just be done with high school and the more i think about it, i want my ged, but then that means no more social security money for my parents to take care of me, which means id either have to go to college or get a really good job. i honestly need HELP...and i dont know who i can get it from. Right now my parents are saying that i cant have a job unless i finish up school because work and school is going to be too hard for me. I dunno I want to change again. I changed for "someone" before and that ended up nowhere, and i think that is why im so scared to make changes in my life to make Chris happy. The last time i tried to make someone happy it just blew up in my face and ended with nothing. I just wish I was a better person. I wish that I could go back in time and do things another way. Everyone is always fucking bitching about my kid. I love coltin, and i really could care less what people say but wtf should i do. I cannot move out of my house right now because i dont have the money, and finding a job around here is hard. I dunno. I just wanted someone to love and care about me and i wanted to find someone who really meant what they said. I know chris isn't trying to hurt me, but sometimes i feel like the relationship between us isnt going to go anywhere until i graduate or do something with my life. I guess i just need to take some time to think about what im going to do with my life. I guess i could get my ged, although ever since i had coltin ive wanted to have a diploma. I dont want to go back to sharon...that place gave me the worst times of my life and made things so hard on me everyday, and im not strong, everyone knows that. i just dont know what i can do to make things better for me and chris. i want him to love me and be here to support my decisions. everyone that knows me knows that my parents dont do that, and maybe im going a little crazy and making a really big deal of this but i dont want to lose him. Everyone else wanted to get in my pants but he so totally isnt like that and i want to mess up what i have with him even if it means that we aren't "together" yet. I guess giving things time is the best for both of us. Right now is when i wish i had a friend that i could call and talk to them about this but i dont....so i guess its just me and my livejournal until tomorrow when chris and i talk again. how the hell is it possible to have such strong feelings for a person that i met like a month ago? i dunno. I have been in love before, or what i thought was love, but sometimes i think i just wanted someone to be around so i wasnt alone. this time its different. I wish i could spend every moment of each day with him and even though that isnt possible i just wish it was. he makes me so happy even if he doesnt know it. I just dont want to lose him over something so damn stupid like me getting mad over something dumb. I <3 you chris and if you happen to read this know that, and know that im going to make an effort to change and make things better after what happened last night. i just hope this doesnt effect what we already have. i just want to spend time with you like it was before and not have to worry about things. and no i dont want to be with anyone else either, im fine with things the way they are, i just get confused when someone asks me what "we" are. I'm sorry for putting you through all this bullshit tonight. i hope you can forgive me and that things can go back to normal because neither one of us needs another "screw up" to add to the list. I <3 you baby, and im sorry.