"Four For You, Glenn Coco. You Go, Glenn Coco!"
1. Oh man, this show again.
2. I mean, I'm happy, yay!
3. Aw fuck, they're bringing Jesse Tyler Ferguson back as a judge. But as, like, an audition judge. What kind of sense does that make?
4. OH MY GOD THERE'S A LITTLE 2 YEAR OLD IN A TUTU PLEASE SHOW MORE OF HER!
5. My biggest regret in life is that I just turned 30 and I can't audition for this show now.
6. Just kidding, my biggest regret is that I never auditioned for MTV's "The Real World".
7. I wish that were a joke.
8. PS: My friend CT is here to provide some colorful commentary.
CT: Sup, bitches!
9. She's a charmer, that one.
10. Oh, Emmy-nominated Cat Deeley. I've missed all 11 feet of you, clomping across my screen every week, introducing me to our jidges.
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Amelia Lowe
11. Homegirl literally just walked onto the screen and I said "I'm over her already." Because, look at her. She is the living embodiment of the word "quirky". Somewhere, Zooey Deschanel is taking a hit out on her.
12. She's like if Bettie Page, that chick from The Artist, and like…shit, I don't even know. I can't deal with her.
13. Her technique is good, but I just don't really care. I don't see why the judges are tongue-bathing her. Except for one layback turn on releve, there's nothing really impressing me.
14. Also, I think Tyce Diorio is coked out right now, because there is no reason for him to be acting a fool. And Mary Murphy is clapping like she's watching the monkeys at the zoo.
15. His spiel where they give her ticket to Vegas in silent film mode is pretty cool though, if only because it means I don't have to listen to Amelia's damn voice.
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Toshihiko Nakazawa
16. Oh isn't it cute how Japanese people can't understand English? Let's laugh at the guy who doesn't understand ENglish idioms like "What you've got in store for us."
17. Holy shit, this guy just travelled across the floor FLAT ON HIS BACK.
18. I have nothing to say about this guy. I'm so incredibly entertained by the things he's doing that I'm speechless. His timing is absolutely impeccable. I don't even think he's counting beats, I think he just has flawless timing and rhythm.
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19. Mary Murphy's right eye is dead as fuck right now. Either she had a stroke, the mood stabilizers are crazy effective, or the Botox is working overtime.
Austin Freeman
20. This guy dancing The Wiggle. Holy shit. The first shot of him dancing the wiggle with just his shoulders and head in the frame and his mouth dropped open…I thought he was mid-orgasm.
21. "My dance is something no one has ever seen before." Yeah, because nobody's ever had sex with him.
22. I honestly think this guy is an actor, and I'm just going to be done talking about him.
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23. Coming up soon: our first sob story.
24. Here's a weird melange of dancers that we're going to show you in quick succession. Don't bother showing us their auditions or anything, just tell us they're all going to Vegas!
25. God, I hate this show sometimes.
26. I wish they'd stop playing dustup and making me like fucking dustup.
Shafeek Westbrook
27. Let's be honest. If I could flip, I'd flip all the damn time.
28. This guy is barely even touching the floor, it's sick as fuck. He's seriously just skimming the floor. His touch is so light, I'm in complete awe.
29. I don't know what the story is, but he's telling a story. That's so amazing right now. He's not just up there being a b-boy. He's telling a story.
30. On the other hand, he has "Mighty Mouse" tattooed across his chest. Shafeek giveth, Shafeek taketh away.
31. "I was acting as if I were [my friend's] should climbing out from under the Twin Towers." Well holy shit, I did not see that coming. Judging by the judges' faces, neither did they. For three seconds, the audience is completely silent. And going back and rewatching the routine, I totally see that. Amazing.
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32. "And that was it for the Day One solos." I swear to God, we only saw, like, 4 auditions.
33. Aww, Toshihiko removed himself from the competition because he couldn't lift. Work on it and come back!
34. This mom who's like "I'm gonna have you arrested, get the camera out of her face!" cracks me up. Because your daughter signed a goddamn waiver, your shrike-y cow.
35. This iPhone commercial with John Malkovich…I really really believe John Malkovich just sits around having conversations with Siri.
36. Leighon Meester in an Adam Sandler movie. It's like my only love born of my only hate.
37. Day Two of New York auditions. Maybe we'll get to see 5 people dance!
Leo Reyes
38. Leo is our first sob story of the season. He's dancing for his mom, y'all!
39. I'm not going to say anything about this story, only because I'm going to sound like a big asshole. So I'm just going to fast forward to his audition.
40. Good pirouettes, though I wish he had a stronger stature on stage.
41. Something that's kind of bugging me is that he's just traveling back and forth on the same plane of the stage. He's not really coming forward or going backward or really exploring the stage. He's just going from left to right.
42. I don't know that I would've put him straight through to Vegas. I'd want to see his partner work, first. He doesn't look like he could really handle a lift all that well.
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43. I need this commercial for Madagascar 3 to stop, because it's annoying the fuck out of me, and CT won't stop imitating it.
CT: It's hilarious! If I ever met Chris Rock, the first thing I'd say to him is "Ya da da da da da da da afro, Ya da da da da da da da circus!" And then I'd say "Five dolls? How 'bout I give you twenty cents and you just put the soup in my hands!"
Me: Please stop talking now.
44. I wish they'd show some of these bad auditions. Like, the laughably bad ones. Particularly the guy who's trying to "seduce the audience" with his creepy stripper moves and giant man bulge.
Chehon Wespi-Tschoop
45. Oh motherfuck. This motherfucker from Switzerland. Just lay on top of me RIGHT NOW, PLEASE MA'AM.
46. His swagger down the road. OMG, I can't deal with it. UNF.
47. I may need to take a moment right now. And also later.
48. His first pirouette pass was a little shaky. His center was off. Other than that, everything else here is absolutely beautiful. He's absolutely commanding the stage, I can't take my eyes off of him.
49. I'm pretty sure he's having dance sex with me.
50. And then Mary molested him, and no one was surprised.
Bree Hagen
51. This woman's kids are the most adorable things in the world. I can already tell they're gonna make me cry, especially when Nigel brings them up to sit at the judges table. I can already feel imaginary ovaries forming.
52. Fuck. Her son just yelled "Hi Mommy, I love you!" from the judges table and I'm already crying. Fucking feelings.
53. Holy shit, she is an absolutely beautiful dancer. Amazing emotions. Even her kids can't take their eyes off of her.
54. Nigel, are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? GIVING HER SON THE TICKET TO GIVE TO HER?! I! AM! SLAIN!
55. Also crying, obvs. Like, actually sobbing from happy and feelz, here.
56. And now the daughter is dancing and it's the most amazing thing in the world.
CT: She just made me ovulate, like, 5 times.
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57. This guy literally just said "My dancing comes from my imagination." Well. Duh.
Stepheon "The Zombie" Stewart
58. I was expecting this guy to be a trainwreck, but I"m actually really impressed with what he's doing.
59. Mary Murphy just did the Paula Abdul clap. World's colliding. "Look, the elephant is on a ball!" This bitch.
60. Also, Lil C just came.
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Hampton "The Exorcist" Williams
61. I literally have nothing to say. I really, really, really thought this guy was going to be a hack, especially after he claimed to take people's negative energy and feelings and give their souls back cleansed. Instead, I'm on the verge of tears watching this. I'm pretty sure I've been cleansed.
62. And so is Mary Murphy. I am Mary Murphy. Mary Murphy and I are one.
63. Jesus Christ, even audience members are crying. Holy God, what's happening? I need a drink.
64. Okay, a little bit more on this (a lot of bit more on this). I don't think I've ever been so grateful to see a dancer's entire audition, because that? Was amazing. That's probably the most breathtaking audition I've ever seen. There was so much--so much--about that that was utterly amazing. The emotion he had in his face was heart-breaking. Sometimes he looked like he was conducting the orchestra backing Evanescence (also, impeccable blend of story and song) but at the same time was conducting the exorcism. And the last 4 8-counts, with him ripping his heart out and stabbing it with the knife he pulled out of his own back--that was just inspired. That man has seen pain. That man has felt pain. And that man just brought the entire audience and judges table to their feet. Well done, sir. Well fucking done.
65. And that's what I've always loved about this show. How hard fellow auditioners support each other. It's a competition, but it's family.
66. Nigel: "How you will get on in a dance competition like this show…I don't give a shit, to be honest with you. Whether they say 'yes' or 'no' you're going to go to Vegas, 'cause I'm going to pay for it myself." Two things: 1) Trufax. Send his ass to Vegas, because he earned it. And 2) That's the first time Nigel has sworn on this show in 9 seasons.
67. My favorite part: the make-up artist touching up Mary after she cried. Perfection.
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Daniel Baker
68. Yes. Yes please. That is all.
69. And then he comes out shirtless. You son of a bitch.
CT: I feel like I'm cheating just watching him. …omg omg I'm gonna cum.
Me: I'm going to actively beg that you do not do that.
70. But seriously, I'm right there, too, because DAMN.
71. Nigel making fun of his pre-dance pose was hilarious. I think he's going to be Fun Uncle Nigel this year. Those initials even spell fun!
72. I want this guy and the guy from Switzerland to have a ballet dance-off. The winner gets to do me. So does the loser.
CT: OMG, I wanna…I'm gonna touch myself right now.
Me: Again. Actively begging against that.
73. But seriously, I'm right there too. Because DAMN.
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74. More auditions we'll never see. Also, we've only seen two female auditioners so far, and that's annoying me because we're glossing over a bunch of female auditioners right now.
Sam Shreffler
75. There's something kind of endearing about this guy.
76. Oh, he's autistic. Please, dear God, don't let the judges be assholes like they do sometimes.
77. This kid is so proud of himself for getting up onstage to audition. You go, Glenn Coco!
78. "How does it make you feel to be a dancer." "It makes me feel like I'm free to express myself and just to let myself go." "Whatever you do, do not stop dancing, because it comes out of you. It just comes out." It might be the drink, but I'm crying again. And how much he loves the audience and how much they love him.
79. "Getting a standing ovation. Holy cow. It was a great day." GODDAMMIT, SHOW.
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80. Here's the thing. This motherfucker who's spending all his screentime protesting the show, being against auditioning for the show…writing this is all the time I'm going to waste on him. Get off the show. Quit bagging' on my man Sam. Just go somewhere else and cease to exist. The only other thing I'll say is God bless Cat Deeley for putting up with your jank ass, and for handing your jank ass back to you on a plate.
81. One other thing: I love how Cat is looking at the cameraman and the producers like "Who the fuck let this kid through?" Because, really.
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Jarell Rochelle
82. This guy reminds me of Darren Criss, in ways I can't really explain.
83. His mother. Supposed to be blind by 40, but 43 and not yet blind. THIS SOB STORY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
84. "Mom, can you see alright down there? Oh, come on down here, then." Nigel needs to stop this shit, because I need to stop crying.
85. "Don't touch my water, it's vodka." And then Nigel saves me. He is in rare form tonight, and I love it.
86. The choreo for this song is actually perfect. The song is perfect. This entire thing is perfect. He's totally dancing for his mom, too. Every time he looks at the audience, he's totally just looking at her and his smile is beaming and beatific.
87. Holy shit. The lyrics. "It's good to see you again." Because his mom is going blind. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS.
88. No but seriously, he's actually a stunning dancer. Excellent grasp of choreography, perhaps the most creative contemporary choreo I've seen outside of a MIa Michaels routine.
89. I can't cry anymore. I just cannot. And what does that mean for the season that I've cried this many times already and it's just the auditions?
90. This season's gonna be good, y'all. Real. Damn. Good.