"I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!"
1. I just worked a 14 hour day. It's my fourth one in a row. I want to go to bed and sleep until October.
2. And my Fox feed is worse than ever. I….I don't even know anymore, y'all.
3. I can't even comment on Cat's dress. She could look absolutely lovely, or she could be wearing a cat.
4. The Top 4 introductions kind of scream "We didn't plan anything, so we're just gonna bop around and be cute."
5. Fuck a duck, I forgot about Katie Holmes.
6. You know what just made everything better? Imagining Anne Hathaway's impersonation of Katie Holmes on Saturday Night Live. Katie just did 18 things to prove why it was spot on.
7. This will be a true test of Marko and Melanie as dancers, to see if they can pull off a disco on this show that hates disco.
Marko & Melanie: Disco
The thing about this is that I hate the choreography so much. I think Doriana Sanchez is this show's worst choreographer. There's no natural segue in her choreography. I can't even get into this to judge the two's dancing. They're connecting really well, is about all I can say, but even Melanie and Marko can't save this routine. And the last 2 seconds might have given me epilepsy.
8. Dear Kenny Ortego: Doriana isn't keeping disco alive. Doriana is doing her best to make sure it stays dead.
9. Katie Holmes: Um…well…I love that…love…and it's so great…*hair tuck behind ears*…and yeah…
10. Did they really pull Mark out of his Lady gaga backup dancer career?
Sasha & Mark: Contemporary
Did y'all know that Sasha is a strong warrior princess? Just in case you didn't know. But seriously, this sick is shit. Sonya Tayeh is a fucking genius and Sasha is dancing the shit out of this. The things she can make her body do are just unreal. That ending though, with the fist in the air…it's a little much. Also, warrior princess.
11. Oh my God, Mark's body is ridiculous. Touch. Me. Everywhere.
12. Katie Holmes: I mean…strong…and powerful…and yeah. And…y'know…love and clothes…and strong women.
13. Y'all, this is Sonya's year to get nominated for an Emmy. It's long overdue.
14. I forgot that Little C is actually a choreographer.
15. I love when Tadd has his hair "down". It makes him look so cute.
Tadd & Joshua: Hip-Hop
Tadd is doing this thing that Joshua isn't, and that's making the piece his own. It's in very simple ways, like in the way he curls his fingers or the extra little tugs on his vest. As a result, it makes Tadd more watchable and more interesting as a dancer. He's legit out-dancing Joshua here and is giving the best performance he's given all season.
16. …I guess Little C is a pretty decent choreographer. (Legit: I could actually see the progressions he was making).
17. My Tivo is paused on Tadd looking all shirtless and hard right now and…yeah.
18. Mary Murphy actually just fooled me out…I thought she was going to say Tadd sucked that up.
19. Whoa…I just saw Nigel's hair for the first time tonight and…whoa. What's going on there?
20. Katie Holmes: Sweetness is nice…and…y'know…I love when you make your hands do hand things…and…yeah…I just…yeah….
21. God, Tadd has such a beautiful mouth. Just…so beautiful.
22. It's a story of unrequited love, y'all. That's so unique and different!
Melanie & Robert: Contemporary
Um. Duh, I"m crying. I can't even control it, just crying. Melanie has this amazing ability to control her body for long periods of time and she just…every movement is a story. Every move is just so final and complete and finished and I don't know what else to say. This was just absolutely beautiful.
23. I'm going to stop fake-impersonating Katie Holmes because it's really hard, and also she is actually making sense tonight and isn't Joey Potter-ing her way through the evening.
24. Except she just said magical twice and I can't even deal with that.
25. I think I could definitely be besties with Melanie.
26. I actually need to agree with Mary and Cat Deeley (and not just because I love Melanie so hardcore), but I actually remember her audition. Not just remembering her from auditions, but I remember exactly what she did and what the judges said about her, and that's never happened before.
27. Have Sasha & Marko danced together before tonight?
28. SPENCER LIFF! SPENCER! TOUCH ME! PLEASE TOUCH ME IN ALL THE PLACES!
Sasha & Marko: Broadway
Tyce Diorio wishes he could choreo Broadway like this. This is just so much fun. Both of them are dancing really ell, but I feel like Marko is outdancing Sasha. I'd like it if Sasha were actually a bit more feminine while still getting the purpose of her character and movements across. I want to see less warrior princess here and more confidence and subtlety and I can't tell if that's the dancing or the choreography.
29. Oh my God, Marko in those glasses, I can't even stand it. He's such a woobie, I have no words.
30. Oh my God. Katie Holmes just said "I love when you jumped up." I LOVE WHEN YOU JUMPED UP. No specifics. "I like jumping, jumping is my favorite!"
31. Nigel's critique for Sasha summed up what I was trying to say, that I buy her more as a warrior princess than as a vamp.
32. God, seeing Melanie's Best Hits is giving me chills. I remember the very first dance she did, with the statues and how I just bawled and bawled from how beautiful it was.
Melanie's Solo
I just wanted it to keep going and going and going. The "SYTYCD" at the end seemed like such an interruption that it shocked me and felt rude. So beautiful.
33. My Fox feed has started to act like it's on dial-up. I have another hour to watch. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.
34. I forget, how did Marko get shot?
Marko's Solo
It always surprises me to see Marko be a shiny-happy-people contemporary dancer, especially when he's able to elicit such deeper and darker emotions. This was also beautiful and also jarring for the end to happen.
35. God, MORE SHIRTLESSNESS. *drool*
36. Marko's family makes me want to cry from awesome.
Sasha & Tadd: Cha-Cha
I would love for Tadd to slap my ass like he did Sasha's. I feel like Sasha is better at vamping here than she did in the Broadway number. That said, I feel like she's still a little too strong; either that or Tadd isn't a strong enough leader for her, because she's dominating this (in not a good way). They're both hella sexy; however, I'm just not loving either of them. Especially for Tadd, it feels like a step back.
37. I feel like Nigel and Mary's assessments are quite fair for Melanie and Tadd.
38. A new choreographer, this late in the game? Very interesting, show.
39. Oh good, another contemporary routine that's a love story.
Marko & Lauren: Contemporary
This is some of the best dancing I've ever seen from Marko, ever. And perfectly encapsulates why I'd wish he'd find the slower, more languid emotion in his solos, because of what he can pull out of an audience. Absolutely beautiful.
40. Seeing how emotional Lauren is after the end of the dance is just like…wow. What just happened on that stage?
41. Okay, kids…I hate to give up the ghost but my feed is getting worse and I'm only seeing about every 5 seconds of the show, followed by lag time. It makes me sad, because Tadd is solo dancing to Jessie J's "Mama Knows Best" which is just about the best song ever and I want to see what he's doing with it. I'm going to have to YouTube everything tomorrow.
42. Some highlights while I bleep-bloop through to catch things: Sasha's solo is the best she's done so far. Just absolutely…I don't even know. She did what I want Marko to do and that is slow it down.
43. Melanie and Sasha have unbelievable chemistry together. Better than Melanie and Marko, even. Their piece was absolutely perfect. Melanie's pirouette in arabesque actually looked like a ballerina in a music box. I liked the sapphic undertones to their dance.
44. I love seeing Marko dance hard and hip-hop, it's just so fun and funny. That said, Tadd totally outdanced him tonight. And did they end with a kiss? My feed jacked at that moment and it looked like a total man-kiss and I've always gotten kind of a homo feeling from him.
45. Let's hope my fucking Fox feed isn't a fucking fuckass tomorrow.