(no subject)
I really want to make a sex tape with you too. I have to get my weight back down first so I am committing to that goal right now. Im trying to sleep but I couldn't figure out why I've been so temperamental lately and cynical. Its like I'm tired but im not doing anything. I stay up late but only because it's my habitual feeling to feel like I'm supposed to. This quarantine has me all fucked up and its only snowballing. A few bad days and it all feels so temporary. Safety, identity, purpose. All under attack. Too much bacon. I dont usually eat pork but why now? Im sick of working in this apartment. I love the apartment but goddamn. Im like in the same three rooms. Then when I leave I'm just looking at everyone and they're looking back at me and everyone looks kind of lost. I can't even tell their expressions cuz their fucking faces are covered. My charming smirk is getting me nowhere right now. I dont fucking know but who does. I haven't known shit my whole life but here I am. A father, learning as I go with an "alright" example to base off of. A friend, who is not even that enthusiastic about being a friend. I miss my friends but it feels like we already reminisce instead of planning for whats next. A smell business owner, with a personal life that has took a small downslide. But, sales continue to come, i am building my audience waiting for their candle to come out, networking, marketing, being hospitable and gracious to my customers. I dont know shit still. Which makes me feel like once I know some shit. Ill really start to get shit done. Shit. As a partner, I feel selfish. I am honestly so blessed to have crossed paths with Janis. What are the chances? Finding something very unlikely, IRL, just by chance, that feels so good. We have such different thought processes and passions. We have our own tastes and identities. But its wild to me how much our morals are similar and the way we listen to each other, almost competitively. We have so few problems that we race to catch each other slipping up in our integrity. We play critic and guardian angel to each other, and then we sigh and fall into each other's arms into our own little soft world. When I'm with her it feels like I'm in a fort I built with my best friend. We know the rules, we know what we've been through and what we expect for ourselves. But we have our own jokes and ways to turn each other on. We have our own language with our bodies and our looks. Its so very special to me and honestly so much fun. A good day with Janis is one of the best days I've ever had. I feel so comfortable but not forgotten. I can wait to see her tomorrow. And the day after that. I dont care what happens. Ill always be happy to see her. And I want to make a sex tape too. But im gonna need a few weeks.