The Mail Order Groom
Ch. 5It didn’t take long before they got into a consistent if not comfortable routine. Each morning and night Reid would basically pretend Luciano wasn’t there. Luciano continued to walk around dressed like the hot gardener kid from “Desperate Housewives”, without a clue how it was affecting Reid, which made Reid even more grumpy, but it didn’t keep him from looking anyway. Luciano, too, was into his own covert admiration of Reid.
It didn’t matter if no other words were spoken, every morning Luciano made sure to say “Ti prometto che sarò (proprio) qui quando tornerai.” (I promise I will be right here whenever you get back) to Reid as he left the apartment; finally knowing what exactly that meant, every day Reid heard them he breathed a sigh of relief after he closed the door, able to leave for work knowing he wouldn’t be alone when he returned that night.
With each passing day it got harder for both to ignore the intense attraction they were feeling. The evenings were the worst. When Reid was tired from having worked a long day at the hospital his brain to mouth filter, what little there was of it, ceased to exist completely. He couldn’t help but verbalize Luciano’s desirability, and Luciano had to do everything in his power to pretend he didn’t understand what Reid was saying. The sentiment each night was different depending on Reid’s mood.
One night he commented, “You just have no idea just how beautiful you are, do you? Those lips pout just perfectly, waiting to be kissed.” The next night it was how downright fuckable Luciano was. “What I wouldn’t give to just bend you over right here on the end table and fill you up. I bet that round sweet ass has the most breathtaking hole doesn’t it? Somehow I just know you’d be so tight around me I’d come instantly.” On yet a different night, Reid mentioned how much he’d like to spoon with Luciano. “Why do you have to sit there being all cute? I don’t even like cute. But damn, if aren’t just too cuddle-worthy for anyone’s good.” Reid’s laugh was laced with self loathing at that, disgusted with himself for thinking something so pedestrian.
Every word and glance and half hidden emotion Reid unknowingly shared made Luciano feel more ashamed at keeping the truth from him. While he was secretly thrilled by the way he made Reid feel, that shame and fear of Reid finding out started to put Luciano more on edge. And, that wasn’t the only thing contributing to his nerves.
Luciano knew by now he had nothing to fear from Reid, at least not in any harmful way. He began to alternate from being on edge about his secret and a different kind of panic. He was terrified he might finally give in to how desperately his body wanted his husband. He shook with panic at losing his virginity and his heart along with it. He didn’t want to be a disappointment if it finally did happen. If he did let himself fall in love with Reid and give in to that, fully committing, what would happen? Would Reid forgive him for lying? Would the fact he’d never been with a man turn his husband off?
Luciano didn’t want to get rejected. He didn’t think his heart could take it. But also, he worried more and more that this lie of his could once again hurt someone he was beginning to really care about.
Reid could sense his groom growing more uncomfortable as the days went on, and it only made him more frustrated that he couldn’t seem to make Luciano happy. The tension built and the aggravation mounted until Reid just couldn’t take it. He had to come up with a plan to change their situation, for better or worse, something had to give.
~~~~~~~~
It was on night ten that Luciano had the nightmare he feared most.
Damian is hanging onto the precipice, bruised and bleeding. He has cuts all over, his clothes in tatters. He’s clawing his way up the rock, desperate for safety, slipping and grabbing hold of a root jutting out of the side of the cliff. He’s pleading for Luciano to save him, to be there for him like he’d always been for his son. Every single time Luciano just about has him in his grasp, Damian loses his grip and plummets to his death into the Amalfi Sea.
Reid, woken by screams of “no” and “Damian”, scrambled out of bed and rushed to Luciano’s side. He tried waking Luciano but it wasn’t until he was bawling that he finally came to.
Luciano woke up, sobbing and calling for his father but instead found Reid. He could barely catch his breath, feeling like he’d just run a marathon. He instantly grabbed for Reid, “Non lasciarmi, per favore non lasciarmi qui tutto da solo, per favore Reid.” (don’t leave me, please, don’t leave me here all alone…. Please Reid)
Reid could tell he was terrified even though he had no idea what Luciano was saying. The death grip his groom had on him scared him. Luciano’s panic tore at him and it opened a small piece of his heart that had been closed off for years. It opened up very old wounds Reid had long since forgotten about. He understood the kind of pain Luciano was obviously feeling.
“Shhh” he murmured, brushing back Luciano’s hair and placed his cool soft lips along Luciano’s forehead. “Shhh, it’s all right. I’m here…. It’s going to be ok. I don’t know what has you so scared but you’re safe here with me. You’re safe now…. You’re not alone….. I know what it’s like to be alone and afraid and to feel like you don’t have anyone.” He continued to stroke Luciano’s hair, tucking a stray piece behind his ear. Reid sighed. “I wish you understood me. I want you to know it’s ok, you’re here with me now and I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” He began to rub Luciano’s back and it seemed like it was helping, so he kept it up.
Luciano was amazed that Reid seemed to know the exact right thing to say to calm him down. He sunk further into the embrace Reid had on him and it helped slow his racing heart, his sobbing was reduced to a whimper, and the tears began to dry up. Luciano breathed deep and found comfort in Reid’s scent. He hoped Reid would just keep holding him, thinking he’d be content to stay just like they were, forever.
“There you go” Reid cooed while continuing to hold Luciano, not quite ready to let go yet. “Everything is going to be fine. I promise…..I…promise.”
“Grazie” (thank you) Luciano whispered, “io credo in te.” (I believe you)
Reid pulled back to see Luciano staring at him with wet shiny beautiful brown eyes. He could see Luciano was still sad but at least now he was also wearing a tentative smile. Reid’s heart immediately cracked open just a little bit more.
“Um… ok then… I should” he pointed off in the direction of the hall. He stood and began to back away.
Luciano grabbed his hand while still holding his gaze intently. Reid couldn’t help but look down at their interlocked fingers as Luciano once again said “grazie.”
As Luciano finally let go, Reid wondered if he’d even be able to move. His heart ached at the thought of leaving, but he didn’t know what else to do. Luciano was looking at him more lovingly than anyone had in twenty years, and a flood of emotions Reid wasn’t ready for, threatened to drown him. Reid bit down on his lower lip hard. It caused him enough pain to break whatever spell he’d been put under. “Goodnight” he mumbled and finally exited the room.
~~~~~~~
It had been almost a week since that night and the frustration was building to uncontrollable limits. It became clear to Reid that it was in his own best interest to destroy the little game of house he was playing. His heart had a constant dull ache from a want that had surfaced and he couldn’t get rid of.
Even if it meant he won’t get the job, Reid didn’t think he could live like this anymore. His hands were constantly flexing themselves from a need to touch Luciano. Sometimes he went into his office at night when Luciano was sleeping just to stroke his hair and make sure he was ok. That made him feel like a complete predator and it weirded him out.
As for his husband, Luciano began to long for the nights he would wake to feel Reid’s hands on him, even if it was just to stroke his hair. He kept as still as he could and tried very hard not to let his rapid heart rate effect his breathing for fear Reid would figure out he was awake. It was a situation neither knew exactly how to deal with so neither did anything. Reid became more and more frustrated and angry. Luciano became more and more timid and fearful of being found out.
So, after almost three weeks of living together, Reid decided he needed to put an end to this thing or lose his mind completely. Knowing he couldn’t bring himself to force Luciano away and hate himself after, he devised a plan to make Luciano want to leave on his own. Reid justified it to himself - if it wasn’t his fault, maybe his heart wouldn’t ache as much after. He knew it was petty and juvenile and pathetic but since he felt like he was all those things at the moment, he went with it.
Step one in the “get Luciano to hate him” plan he devised was that he should pretend to want to take advantage of a live-in maid while he had one. The first four Italian words he became fluent in were ‘cook food’ and ‘clean house’. They were also the first four words Luciano heard Reid speak directly to him in what felt like forever. They were said in a tone Luciano had not heard since he’d been living with Reid. Luciano couldn’t believe the request. Reid was obviously playing games with him and it made him confused, frustrated, and ultimately mad. He crossed his arms and said “no” to both requests with a defiant pout. Reid put up a fight like he was extremely angry. It was overly dramatic and Reid knew it seemed over the top but he had to try.
“What a waste of time this ridiculous plan is” he ranted. “I never should have let my Chief of Staff order me a groom.” Of course, he didn’t know Luciano understood him as he also laughed at himself for his lack of acting ability and doubt in believability to sell his own anger.
Luciano silently agreed with him, he didn’t believe a word of it. What he couldn’t understand was why Reid was trying to make him angry. He was scared Reid would make him leave and he’d do anything not to let that happen. By now Luciano relied on the doctor, and needed him to make the day seem complete.
“Perchè?” (why?) He stomped around waving his arms in anger. “Perchè stai facendo questo?” (why are you doing this?)
“Holy crap, I think I really pissed him off” Reid said, slightly amazed that it could actually be that easy.
Mumbling to himself, Luciano ignored Reid’s comment. “Diglielo... digli che sai che cosa sta facendo e non funzionerà... digli che tu non lo vuoi lasciare... è troppo importante stare con lui e aiutarlo... Dio Luciano, apriti a lui e digli la verità...” (Just tell him…. tell him you know what he’s doing and it won’t work…. Tell him you don’t want to leave… it is too important to be with him, and help him….. God Luciano just open up to him…. and tell him the truth)
He wanted the courage desperately to tell Reid all those things, but the fear of Reid’s reaction once again stopped him.
Reid slumped down on a nearby couch, his energy drained, seeing Luciano go on and on in Italian cracked his resolve rapidly. “See, now look what you’ve done you idiot. He really might be mad…. Oh shit, what if he actually leaves? Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to like him so damn much? Why do I want him to want to take care of me? Why would anyone want to take care of me when no one has done that in the last twenty years?”
Those words grabbed Luciano’s attention, breaking through the fog of his own musings. Tears instantly welled up in his eyes. Luciano’s heart felt like it stopped at Reid’s words and the implication of what they meant made his insides twist up in pain. Hiding his face, Luciano abruptly turned away. He had to get out of Reid’s sight, knowing otherwise he would reach to comfort him.
It was this last part of himself Reid had inadvertently shown to Luciano that made him face what he already suspected - he was falling in love with Reid. Luciano knew for sure that Reid’s admission of needing him made him want to stay put even more, to stick out whatever was going to happen between them.
Knowing about his past, knowing how guarded he was and yet knowing Reid really wanted him there was too much to bear, and Luciano knew he wouldn’t be able to explain the steady stream of moisture rolling down his cheeks as he practically ran to his room.
Reid, seeing Luciano exit the room so quickly just figured it was because of the silly request to basically become his maid. He wondered if he really had made Luciano angry. The instant anxiety that maybe his demands and over the top behavior had worked made him go halfway down the hall to take it all back. Reid stopped himself with resolve that it was for the best, turned away from the door and his possible lifeline to humanity, picked up his briefcase and left. It was the first day he’d walked out the door without Luciano’s customary goodbye, and Reid spent all day at work half worried, half hoping his plan might have pushed his husband away.
Chapter6