I don't know

[broknumbrelaboy]

Alright, so I'm sitting here throwing a sharp pocket knife (affectionately referred to as "The Leatherman") so that it turns three directions at the same time, catching it, and doing the same thing over and over. And I just feel the need to tell everyone that it is the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. It is oddly relaxing, delightfully exhilarating and narcotically stupefying all at the same time. Right now my heart is beating faster but my mind is going slower. Then again, all speed is relative. Tunnel vision is what gets you caught whenever you steal. But I'm not stealing so I'm fine. The whole world revolves around this knife in this hand, my right hand. I'm right-handed. I can't see the blade when it spins. If it was a skateboard I think this would be a 360 flip. I just have enough trust in my ability to feel the center of gravity on this thing to keep going. I haven't gotten hurt yet!. But if I were to get hurt it'd be so beautiful. I'm not a masochist. I'm not sitting here cutting myself. I don't want attention. I don't like pain. But that doesn't mean I don't think it's one of the most beautiful things in the whole world. Pain is nothing. Pain isn't real. Pain isn't matter or energy or space or time. Pain, scientifically, is a disruption in the electricity going to a receptor in your brain. It's not really a real thing. But when you're feeling it, it is. When you're in pain nothing else in the whole world is as real. Nothing else matters. When nothing else is real there's always pain. They used to keep mental hospitals in line by beating the maniacs. That was the only thing that could get through to them. Pain. When they'd lost every feeling of what is real and what isn't- pain is the only thing that survived. Pain is the realest thing there is. Pain is the last. Pain is God. Pain is the king that can only be de-throned by causing it. You control pain and you control it all. I'm cutting myself now (not hard, all that worry). You hear that world!? I control it all! I control everything! Now I'm the king! Now I'm God!
I'm God!
I'm God!
I am God!

Wow, I'm fucking crazy.