Things Fall Apart
As I write this, I am tipsy and depressed. Just a warning.
Yesterday was one of the worse days of my life. My mother and I have never really had a great relationship, despite my effort. My idea of Mother/daughter time didn't consist of staying in and watching her drink while we watch TV. Her idea didn't consist of leaving her room. So she and I never really had a concrete relationship. Yesterday morning, I couldn't sleep. It was my first of 2 days off and I wanted to sleep in. In addition to either a bed bug or a flea issue, my mother decides to walk around the house listening to her Ipod and singing at the top of her lungs. Some time around 7:45am, I decided to stop trying to go to sleep and thought it'd be a good idea to start putting together my new computer desk. Mom heard me and came out of her room to say hello. My response of "yes?" did not sit well with her, and I'm not sure why it was such a big deal, so she went back to her room and slammed the door. 2 minutes later, she reemerges and tells me we need to talk. (I don't care who you are. If someone says "We need to talk", there's a problem and it won't be settled within 20 minutes.) The next hour (I think) consisted of one of the most random conversations ever. It started with her getting offended when I told her that her singing and the cat's meowing was why I couldn't sleep anymore. Then we started talking about the student loan problem I have and that we need to figure out how to get that settled. Then she was telling me how proud she was that I graduated from college but that I needed to work harder to actually start doing something with my degree. (Photography = money. I need equipment, experience (optional), and a car for most places in this area to hire me.) I'm apparently not doing enough and need to up my game. Oh! I also need to work 2 or 3 jobs to get things to where they need to be. Completely burn myself out and not have anything resembling a life. Then, while we were on the "I'm so proud of you" story, she started talking about the story of when I was born. We both cried a lot. I'm almost certain mom was still under the influence of alcohol at this point. She repeated stories at least twice.
Moving on, at the end of THAT part of the conversation, she asked me what was going on my life. I didn't/couldn't tell her everything because I know she can't handle it (like the fact that I have borderline personality disorder. She didn't respond well when I just had depression.) I told her that I was working and trying to save money to move out again. She seemed surprised when I told her I want to leave again. I told her that I can't stay here forever, especially since I'm trying to build a life with Daddy (she doesn't know I call him Daddy and we're going to keep it that way.) THAT'S when things went south.
My mom hasn't liked my boyfriend since an argument she and he had about a month ago. Long story short, they both ended up yelling at each other. She called him an ignorant son of a bitch. He called her crazy. He was banned from the house. So, bringing him up in conversation, she brought up that argument she and he had. She proceeded to say that since I'm still with him after that whole argument happened, then I was on his side, even though I told him that I thought both of them were wrong and that the entire situation was wrong. Anyway, that sparked a huge argument between my mother and I. She telling me that I'm disrespectful and that I can go live on the streets "with this fool" and she wants me out of her house. The argument section of this lasted about 30 minutes. She and I yelling at each other at the top of our lungs. Anger against anger. It didn't end well. After we parted from each other's view, we both cried. I called my dad, who came home from church to try to figure out what was going on. As of right now, mom still wants me out of the house. I don't have a deadline, but she also didn't just throw all my shit out either so that's good.
Things are just really chaotic right now. I've spent the last 2 days as drunk and high as I could get without getting sick. I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, as if I didn't have enough shit to worry about.
If you were to ask the question "Are you okay?", the truthful answer to that is no. I honestly don't know when I will be okay because my plans for moving out have to actually be finalized sooner than I anticipated. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I'll be able to make it. Things are just really hard at the moment and I'm not processing it well.
I just needed to vent. Text me if you want to reply. I'm not on the computer as often as I'd like and thus don't check this as often.
-Diane
Yesterday was one of the worse days of my life. My mother and I have never really had a great relationship, despite my effort. My idea of Mother/daughter time didn't consist of staying in and watching her drink while we watch TV. Her idea didn't consist of leaving her room. So she and I never really had a concrete relationship. Yesterday morning, I couldn't sleep. It was my first of 2 days off and I wanted to sleep in. In addition to either a bed bug or a flea issue, my mother decides to walk around the house listening to her Ipod and singing at the top of her lungs. Some time around 7:45am, I decided to stop trying to go to sleep and thought it'd be a good idea to start putting together my new computer desk. Mom heard me and came out of her room to say hello. My response of "yes?" did not sit well with her, and I'm not sure why it was such a big deal, so she went back to her room and slammed the door. 2 minutes later, she reemerges and tells me we need to talk. (I don't care who you are. If someone says "We need to talk", there's a problem and it won't be settled within 20 minutes.) The next hour (I think) consisted of one of the most random conversations ever. It started with her getting offended when I told her that her singing and the cat's meowing was why I couldn't sleep anymore. Then we started talking about the student loan problem I have and that we need to figure out how to get that settled. Then she was telling me how proud she was that I graduated from college but that I needed to work harder to actually start doing something with my degree. (Photography = money. I need equipment, experience (optional), and a car for most places in this area to hire me.) I'm apparently not doing enough and need to up my game. Oh! I also need to work 2 or 3 jobs to get things to where they need to be. Completely burn myself out and not have anything resembling a life. Then, while we were on the "I'm so proud of you" story, she started talking about the story of when I was born. We both cried a lot. I'm almost certain mom was still under the influence of alcohol at this point. She repeated stories at least twice.
Moving on, at the end of THAT part of the conversation, she asked me what was going on my life. I didn't/couldn't tell her everything because I know she can't handle it (like the fact that I have borderline personality disorder. She didn't respond well when I just had depression.) I told her that I was working and trying to save money to move out again. She seemed surprised when I told her I want to leave again. I told her that I can't stay here forever, especially since I'm trying to build a life with Daddy (she doesn't know I call him Daddy and we're going to keep it that way.) THAT'S when things went south.
My mom hasn't liked my boyfriend since an argument she and he had about a month ago. Long story short, they both ended up yelling at each other. She called him an ignorant son of a bitch. He called her crazy. He was banned from the house. So, bringing him up in conversation, she brought up that argument she and he had. She proceeded to say that since I'm still with him after that whole argument happened, then I was on his side, even though I told him that I thought both of them were wrong and that the entire situation was wrong. Anyway, that sparked a huge argument between my mother and I. She telling me that I'm disrespectful and that I can go live on the streets "with this fool" and she wants me out of her house. The argument section of this lasted about 30 minutes. She and I yelling at each other at the top of our lungs. Anger against anger. It didn't end well. After we parted from each other's view, we both cried. I called my dad, who came home from church to try to figure out what was going on. As of right now, mom still wants me out of the house. I don't have a deadline, but she also didn't just throw all my shit out either so that's good.
Things are just really chaotic right now. I've spent the last 2 days as drunk and high as I could get without getting sick. I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, as if I didn't have enough shit to worry about.
If you were to ask the question "Are you okay?", the truthful answer to that is no. I honestly don't know when I will be okay because my plans for moving out have to actually be finalized sooner than I anticipated. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I'll be able to make it. Things are just really hard at the moment and I'm not processing it well.
I just needed to vent. Text me if you want to reply. I'm not on the computer as often as I'd like and thus don't check this as often.
-Diane