"Those are just big dreams you'll never accomplish"
Another set of heart warming and confidence boosting words to live by, thanks mom! Thanks for nothing.
I always get this feeling with my mom. Like anything I ever want to do, is never enough. I could bring down the moon for her and she'd get pissed because, well because she wanted Saturn, not the fucking moon.
I don't know how to deal with it and it's rather frustrating to have to hear her continous degrading...
She says, "I'm not negative, but I am realistic."
So realisticallly she basically thinks I can't do anything. They want me to be a Data Base Administrator. Wooo...that's cool except, minor detail, I suck at fucking math and I hate it. Case closed dammit.
It's like no matter how far I climb I must always be pulled down by her.
She gets mad when I talk to my dad but a kid needs some support every once in a while. She says he walked out on us. But the thing is, however much I appreciate the fact that my mom has held a roof over my head, supported, fed and clothed me....the truth is my dad has been there just as much, in different ways. I mean he helped support me and all those things until I was 12. Then they divorced, she said if I chose to live with him I could never come back to live her. What kind of an ultimaton is that? Anyways he bailed to drive trucks...so he was gone for about 2 years. But then he was back and we saw him probably every other weekend or at least once a month. Then she just wouldn't let us see him. Then he moved to Florida...but he's kept contact for me and he's been there for me to support me emotionally and mentally give me strenght in any problems I may have to overcome and that is very important to me. Something my mother clearly doesn't understand.
In grade 9, the soccer coaches and gym teachers begged me to play Varisty Soccer for Fraser. Chance of a lifetime. I couldn't do it. My mom says that for so many years in her life she has sacrificed for me and my sister. But god damn so have I. You know, I wasted my YOUTH. I wasn't able to do things that other kids were after school because I had responsibilties. Instead of putting my sister in latchkey like other parents have, I had to watch my sister after school. And even when Leila passed age 12, which is the legal age for a child to be home alone, I STILL had to watch her because my mom didn't trust her to be home alone. Even now still when Leila is 15, she doesn't trust her.
I'm so tired of all of this. :|
I hate it that my mom never believes in me. From 1st grade to 12th Grade I've been drilled about grades. I'd screamed at and smacked for anything under a B/B- depends on the class. I graduted with a 3.5, I tried my best and it was never enough.
Then I hit college, I was on my own, I walked out on her and lived with Dustin. For once I could breathe and see life. I was able to screw up and see not take certain things for granted. Needless to say my first year of College wasn't exactly excellent. But that's not to say that I haven't learned anything.
I tear my heart open...
I always get this feeling with my mom. Like anything I ever want to do, is never enough. I could bring down the moon for her and she'd get pissed because, well because she wanted Saturn, not the fucking moon.
I don't know how to deal with it and it's rather frustrating to have to hear her continous degrading...
She says, "I'm not negative, but I am realistic."
So realisticallly she basically thinks I can't do anything. They want me to be a Data Base Administrator. Wooo...that's cool except, minor detail, I suck at fucking math and I hate it. Case closed dammit.
It's like no matter how far I climb I must always be pulled down by her.
She gets mad when I talk to my dad but a kid needs some support every once in a while. She says he walked out on us. But the thing is, however much I appreciate the fact that my mom has held a roof over my head, supported, fed and clothed me....the truth is my dad has been there just as much, in different ways. I mean he helped support me and all those things until I was 12. Then they divorced, she said if I chose to live with him I could never come back to live her. What kind of an ultimaton is that? Anyways he bailed to drive trucks...so he was gone for about 2 years. But then he was back and we saw him probably every other weekend or at least once a month. Then she just wouldn't let us see him. Then he moved to Florida...but he's kept contact for me and he's been there for me to support me emotionally and mentally give me strenght in any problems I may have to overcome and that is very important to me. Something my mother clearly doesn't understand.
In grade 9, the soccer coaches and gym teachers begged me to play Varisty Soccer for Fraser. Chance of a lifetime. I couldn't do it. My mom says that for so many years in her life she has sacrificed for me and my sister. But god damn so have I. You know, I wasted my YOUTH. I wasn't able to do things that other kids were after school because I had responsibilties. Instead of putting my sister in latchkey like other parents have, I had to watch my sister after school. And even when Leila passed age 12, which is the legal age for a child to be home alone, I STILL had to watch her because my mom didn't trust her to be home alone. Even now still when Leila is 15, she doesn't trust her.
I'm so tired of all of this. :|
I hate it that my mom never believes in me. From 1st grade to 12th Grade I've been drilled about grades. I'd screamed at and smacked for anything under a B/B- depends on the class. I graduted with a 3.5, I tried my best and it was never enough.
Then I hit college, I was on my own, I walked out on her and lived with Dustin. For once I could breathe and see life. I was able to screw up and see not take certain things for granted. Needless to say my first year of College wasn't exactly excellent. But that's not to say that I haven't learned anything.
I tear my heart open...