(no subject)
i'm done with it all.
so...whatever.
you know, it's pretty funny....i did a lot for her. she who didn't even know me but stuck a knife in my back with ease. and there i stood, watching her secretly tear apart a girls (whom i love oh so dearly) relationship apart. i didn't do anything about it. i sat on the sidelines and let this silly boy and stupid girl hurt my friend. but that silly boy soon became a part of my life, and an even bigger part of my heart. something i certainly had never expected and something that still puzzles me to this day. the first time i ever saw him, holding a part of her leg, tickling her, in those baggy tripp pants, and some black band shirt. hair pulled back. dirty looking and hairy. yet something attractive was still there. the blue eyes stared deep into my own. simultaneously we look away and communication is turned to an all time low. i leave the younger behind and he hears from that stupid girl that i've caused one of lifes greatest pain. a broken heart. with no thought at all to who i am a word comes out of that dirty mouth, disgracing my being. word gets back to me and i can't even believe my rage with the silly boy who hasn't a clue of who i am or what i've been through or my reasons. he doesn't even realize it was being like him that i was trying to avoid. avoiding the younger from a truly broken heart. no, i just maybe caused a crack, if that. but then with no thought to the consequences of his words he begins speaking with me as if everything is clear, the sky is sunny and beautiful outside but that doesn't mean that we are. I grudgingly respond to the questions he has for me, but soon we leave the topic of younger brother and begin discovering one another. oh how it was something different. i look into his profile. "something about us. kissy face" oh but he's breaking her heart and stabbing it everytime that he fucks the other girl. my heart hurts for her. poor girl. finally word comes out. oh hell would riot for less. war is released and the girls are done with one another. one cries, while the other regrets. i can't tell if her regrets are sincere. it makes awkward and i try to be neutral but in the background i confront him. how could you be so cold. so heartless. oh how it breaks my heart to watch you break her heart. and i speak with her, words of comfort and sincerity. i felt what you feel. i will hold your hand, and be a shoulder to lean on if you need. but she shrugs the world off and decides no boy will hurt her the way he has. this cause will have no effect and that boy and girl are dead to me she says. but i see her eyes want to cry. i want to hug her, but i know if i do, the thing she's trying hardest to refrain doing will happen. oh baby girl i'm so sorry for what they've done to you. time passes, her heart heals. while mine begins to pine. how cruel love is for me to have been cursed with this feeling inside for that silly boy whose younger kin i have once been involved with. with this feeling inside for that silly boy who hurt one of my truest friends. oh how i wish i could take this feeling out, throw it to the ground and spit on it. it is impossible. and so the silly boy and i begin more conversations and he invites himself over politely. i nervously accept and give him directions. the next day is awkward, green monsters are visible in the girl whose hurt her friends eyes. how sorry i am for becoming friends with the boy you played your friend with. i decide not to let her rage get to me because i've felt pain caused by her and what i'm doing should cause no pain at all. the bus drops me off and i make way to my home. i nervously go over what i may say to this boy. i've yet to spend time with him alone and i begin to worry about what he may try. his reputation is well known. my fear rises. yet for some unknown reason my excitement does as well. i turn the corner and see him sitting on my front porch, sweaty from a hot walk, listening to the cd player, one look at me and the head phones come off, cd player slides into his oversized pocket and he stands up, greeting me kindly and i nervously return what i received. i open the door and i let him in. i tell him to hush and pretend he's not existing as i call my mother to inform her that i've safely arrived home from that place where they educate us. he's watching me and i feel him all around, judging perhaps, i'll never know for sure. after i hang up the phone i ask him if he's hungry because i am and i plan on making food. he informs me that he is quite a chef himself and adores cooking. i smile and doubt him. i still have no proof. i cook perogies and hope he likes them. he said he did but who knows what truth is anymore. as i cooked something about us came on, he almost danced in my living room, surprised that i knew the song, but he had no idea that he introduced it to me without even knowing it. that day ended with what i can't remember but probably a hug. and a much higher feeling of adoration for someone i knew is bad news. but how i loved it. many days were spent like that. much more green eyes of jealousy were given, lunch tables were pounded, arguments arose, questions were asked, fear was in my heart, that was true. but as much as i refused to admit it, something much deeper was growing inside of this heart. inside of that heart. could i call it love? i know not. i have not gotten the chance because every chance i got, i pushed away. for that is what i've always been good at. pushing away what may be good. but he never let go and he held on to my shoulder, and he gripped tight with those hugs, and held on to my hips and whispered in my ear softly as he showed me ways to kill others in billiards. the sun shined unmistakably and he was almost undeniable. but this boy still worried me and the the girl whose good at stabbing others still had a heart for him. however she hurt me, i couldn't find it in my soul to take him away from her. all though she didn't have him right there. we stood in my room, going through my things. he brought me a hat. black. spikes out the ends. i quite liked it. so we trade. and as we're going through my things he picks the one thing i most did not want to give away. the ring of two rings. i keep the silver. he keeps the faded silver. both small rings. but when pieced together, make one whole thicker ring. to me it always felt as if as long as we had those rings we had a piece of each other. her head hit his chest and the edge of the ring stub her in the head. she cried aloud and fought to pull his collar down to see what that was, he fought back but she won and she saw. she didn't understand. it was difficult to deal with her. i set my feelings aside. so you can have him. so why don't you just sit back, enjoy your win and be with him. i wonder over and over and over. but i still have to put up with her. how i wish i could shut my eyes and go back to that time and place where we made the trade. and trade something more than just objects, but a moment in time where our mouths collide. and maybe the freckles in our could allign and our hearts beat to the same rhythm. but i gave it away and i put up those walls and no matter how he tried to tear them down they still stand strong as far as he's concerned, but those walls have long been gone, tumbled and are non existant. but i can't tell him because she holds him tight and i can't have a minute. and i close my eyes for a moment and he is leaving. so i try something else. and then he's gone. she follows him and my heart is aching. she comes back and my heart is curious. recovering slowly. curious. beating slowly. time passes by and fear still takes charge of me so i speak of nothing. i hold back and i don't think to take a chance. how i should have been wiser than to let fear take me over. i sit at home, watching that show and soul mates are torn apart. i pray for it to be temporary. as i do i receive news. that silly boy is now becoming someones man. oh how my heart fell to the pit of my stomache and shattered to pieces. i say things i meant. then take them back and repaint over them. but they are words that cannot be erased and all though they may have been painted over they still exist somewhere in his mind or heart or both. i let go again and i cry that night to myself. no no no no. and he said, i do. i pick myself up, brush myself off, realize it's too late you silly girl. you had your chance, so suck it up and give congradulations. i do. how much easier it is to appear as if i'm smiling when i'm writing the words rather then saying them. oh how easy it is to lie. but i tried so hard to forget the words, the memories, the sun, the moon, the world we created. but it was unmistakable. it meant too much. once more i wish to tear these feelings out of my heart and spit at them on the floor. i find someone new to take my mind off the way that silly boy just forgot about me and left this world behind. but soon someone new becomes someone old and mymind is back to the start. something i can't take back or remove. the heart can't help the way it feels. but one can always push those feelings aside, and soon someone new will come once again, to make forget about you and hopefully one day you'll be a memory. as for now, ihope you know how briliant you've been, and how for me you shined like a star. but it's gone now and i can't go back in time and you don't belong to me.
so...whatever.
you know, it's pretty funny....i did a lot for her. she who didn't even know me but stuck a knife in my back with ease. and there i stood, watching her secretly tear apart a girls (whom i love oh so dearly) relationship apart. i didn't do anything about it. i sat on the sidelines and let this silly boy and stupid girl hurt my friend. but that silly boy soon became a part of my life, and an even bigger part of my heart. something i certainly had never expected and something that still puzzles me to this day. the first time i ever saw him, holding a part of her leg, tickling her, in those baggy tripp pants, and some black band shirt. hair pulled back. dirty looking and hairy. yet something attractive was still there. the blue eyes stared deep into my own. simultaneously we look away and communication is turned to an all time low. i leave the younger behind and he hears from that stupid girl that i've caused one of lifes greatest pain. a broken heart. with no thought at all to who i am a word comes out of that dirty mouth, disgracing my being. word gets back to me and i can't even believe my rage with the silly boy who hasn't a clue of who i am or what i've been through or my reasons. he doesn't even realize it was being like him that i was trying to avoid. avoiding the younger from a truly broken heart. no, i just maybe caused a crack, if that. but then with no thought to the consequences of his words he begins speaking with me as if everything is clear, the sky is sunny and beautiful outside but that doesn't mean that we are. I grudgingly respond to the questions he has for me, but soon we leave the topic of younger brother and begin discovering one another. oh how it was something different. i look into his profile. "something about us. kissy face" oh but he's breaking her heart and stabbing it everytime that he fucks the other girl. my heart hurts for her. poor girl. finally word comes out. oh hell would riot for less. war is released and the girls are done with one another. one cries, while the other regrets. i can't tell if her regrets are sincere. it makes awkward and i try to be neutral but in the background i confront him. how could you be so cold. so heartless. oh how it breaks my heart to watch you break her heart. and i speak with her, words of comfort and sincerity. i felt what you feel. i will hold your hand, and be a shoulder to lean on if you need. but she shrugs the world off and decides no boy will hurt her the way he has. this cause will have no effect and that boy and girl are dead to me she says. but i see her eyes want to cry. i want to hug her, but i know if i do, the thing she's trying hardest to refrain doing will happen. oh baby girl i'm so sorry for what they've done to you. time passes, her heart heals. while mine begins to pine. how cruel love is for me to have been cursed with this feeling inside for that silly boy whose younger kin i have once been involved with. with this feeling inside for that silly boy who hurt one of my truest friends. oh how i wish i could take this feeling out, throw it to the ground and spit on it. it is impossible. and so the silly boy and i begin more conversations and he invites himself over politely. i nervously accept and give him directions. the next day is awkward, green monsters are visible in the girl whose hurt her friends eyes. how sorry i am for becoming friends with the boy you played your friend with. i decide not to let her rage get to me because i've felt pain caused by her and what i'm doing should cause no pain at all. the bus drops me off and i make way to my home. i nervously go over what i may say to this boy. i've yet to spend time with him alone and i begin to worry about what he may try. his reputation is well known. my fear rises. yet for some unknown reason my excitement does as well. i turn the corner and see him sitting on my front porch, sweaty from a hot walk, listening to the cd player, one look at me and the head phones come off, cd player slides into his oversized pocket and he stands up, greeting me kindly and i nervously return what i received. i open the door and i let him in. i tell him to hush and pretend he's not existing as i call my mother to inform her that i've safely arrived home from that place where they educate us. he's watching me and i feel him all around, judging perhaps, i'll never know for sure. after i hang up the phone i ask him if he's hungry because i am and i plan on making food. he informs me that he is quite a chef himself and adores cooking. i smile and doubt him. i still have no proof. i cook perogies and hope he likes them. he said he did but who knows what truth is anymore. as i cooked something about us came on, he almost danced in my living room, surprised that i knew the song, but he had no idea that he introduced it to me without even knowing it. that day ended with what i can't remember but probably a hug. and a much higher feeling of adoration for someone i knew is bad news. but how i loved it. many days were spent like that. much more green eyes of jealousy were given, lunch tables were pounded, arguments arose, questions were asked, fear was in my heart, that was true. but as much as i refused to admit it, something much deeper was growing inside of this heart. inside of that heart. could i call it love? i know not. i have not gotten the chance because every chance i got, i pushed away. for that is what i've always been good at. pushing away what may be good. but he never let go and he held on to my shoulder, and he gripped tight with those hugs, and held on to my hips and whispered in my ear softly as he showed me ways to kill others in billiards. the sun shined unmistakably and he was almost undeniable. but this boy still worried me and the the girl whose good at stabbing others still had a heart for him. however she hurt me, i couldn't find it in my soul to take him away from her. all though she didn't have him right there. we stood in my room, going through my things. he brought me a hat. black. spikes out the ends. i quite liked it. so we trade. and as we're going through my things he picks the one thing i most did not want to give away. the ring of two rings. i keep the silver. he keeps the faded silver. both small rings. but when pieced together, make one whole thicker ring. to me it always felt as if as long as we had those rings we had a piece of each other. her head hit his chest and the edge of the ring stub her in the head. she cried aloud and fought to pull his collar down to see what that was, he fought back but she won and she saw. she didn't understand. it was difficult to deal with her. i set my feelings aside. so you can have him. so why don't you just sit back, enjoy your win and be with him. i wonder over and over and over. but i still have to put up with her. how i wish i could shut my eyes and go back to that time and place where we made the trade. and trade something more than just objects, but a moment in time where our mouths collide. and maybe the freckles in our could allign and our hearts beat to the same rhythm. but i gave it away and i put up those walls and no matter how he tried to tear them down they still stand strong as far as he's concerned, but those walls have long been gone, tumbled and are non existant. but i can't tell him because she holds him tight and i can't have a minute. and i close my eyes for a moment and he is leaving. so i try something else. and then he's gone. she follows him and my heart is aching. she comes back and my heart is curious. recovering slowly. curious. beating slowly. time passes by and fear still takes charge of me so i speak of nothing. i hold back and i don't think to take a chance. how i should have been wiser than to let fear take me over. i sit at home, watching that show and soul mates are torn apart. i pray for it to be temporary. as i do i receive news. that silly boy is now becoming someones man. oh how my heart fell to the pit of my stomache and shattered to pieces. i say things i meant. then take them back and repaint over them. but they are words that cannot be erased and all though they may have been painted over they still exist somewhere in his mind or heart or both. i let go again and i cry that night to myself. no no no no. and he said, i do. i pick myself up, brush myself off, realize it's too late you silly girl. you had your chance, so suck it up and give congradulations. i do. how much easier it is to appear as if i'm smiling when i'm writing the words rather then saying them. oh how easy it is to lie. but i tried so hard to forget the words, the memories, the sun, the moon, the world we created. but it was unmistakable. it meant too much. once more i wish to tear these feelings out of my heart and spit at them on the floor. i find someone new to take my mind off the way that silly boy just forgot about me and left this world behind. but soon someone new becomes someone old and mymind is back to the start. something i can't take back or remove. the heart can't help the way it feels. but one can always push those feelings aside, and soon someone new will come once again, to make forget about you and hopefully one day you'll be a memory. as for now, ihope you know how briliant you've been, and how for me you shined like a star. but it's gone now and i can't go back in time and you don't belong to me.