Beautiful Boy
Hi Brian,
You're the Beautiful Boy John Lennon was singing to. Classes march on and jokes are being told in the hallways but my ears are numb to laughter because I am busy walking by the lunchroom still looking in the window foolishly hoping to see you holding you're clipboard to check me into serve. I replay our conversations and it puts you right next to me for a few seconds. Every time someone coughs I think of you and how we used to say "bless you" when the other coughed because it was silly that people only said it after a sneeze. I remember your Dave Chappel Show impressions and everyone remembers your perfect handwriting.
Everyday I look at that doorway in the lounge and can still see you walk through it in your dark blue sweatshirt with your hood on. I remember you putting your headphone into my ear and without saying a word your CD player asked me: "Tell me again, can we be lovers and friends?" and I nodded. I heard that song 8 times on the radio yesterday. Not one or two, but 8 times yesterday alone.
I used to get home from school with my phone blinking "518 7295" a number I had commited to memory and that was enough to fix the problems I had that day. I called you back and our conversations would go hours after you had said you had to go because of my obnoxious pleading. "I can't say no to you" you said. I wish I had asked you not to go where I couldn't follow you.
You are playing songs while we're all in the car each with lyrics that only you and I connect to certain memories. When you get out your mom and I comment fondly on your perfect sense of direction. You always knew where you were going as I'm sure you do now. I could have fallen asleep right next you on your couch at 1447 Carolina Place after eating pizza and laughing about the TV show we were watching or the wrap it up sign. I lay there with my head lying on you and listened to your heart, telling you I could hear it and you said something like: "That's because I'm alive." That was the last day I saw you. The last thing you said to me was "Goodbye cutie, save monday to hang out with me when break ends." And I did, even if when I called, your dad told me you weren't there--at that time I simply assumed you had gone out--I can't imagine what was going through his head. I will save every Monday for you from now on.
A week later I stand only feet away from your flawless face that looks so peaceful, you watching everything through closed eyes, but you are so far away. I'm looking right at you but you're so intangeble and I have to force myself to leave that night and not look back knowing I won't see you again and I realize this is real. At that moment I wished I was in a fairy tale and could have kissed life back into you.
Each day my ankles tingle and I continue to look back even when I don't find you there. Eventually I will stop looking outside my history classroom thinking you'll be waiting to walk to lunch with me. I wonder what happens to your homework to be passed back or your christmas stocking, or your laundry, or the emails that are still in my box when I open it that you typed to me only a week ago. I email you and it's returned to me saying "Recipient not found" I need to find some other way to find you.
My heartbreak a hairline fracture compared to that of your parents but there just the same to show you how many people cared. You will always be missed. Words can't really describe a person or your smile, or your hugs. I think you should always tell people how you feel about them when you have the chance. I love you Brian.
Love always,
Caroline
You're the Beautiful Boy John Lennon was singing to. Classes march on and jokes are being told in the hallways but my ears are numb to laughter because I am busy walking by the lunchroom still looking in the window foolishly hoping to see you holding you're clipboard to check me into serve. I replay our conversations and it puts you right next to me for a few seconds. Every time someone coughs I think of you and how we used to say "bless you" when the other coughed because it was silly that people only said it after a sneeze. I remember your Dave Chappel Show impressions and everyone remembers your perfect handwriting.
Everyday I look at that doorway in the lounge and can still see you walk through it in your dark blue sweatshirt with your hood on. I remember you putting your headphone into my ear and without saying a word your CD player asked me: "Tell me again, can we be lovers and friends?" and I nodded. I heard that song 8 times on the radio yesterday. Not one or two, but 8 times yesterday alone.
I used to get home from school with my phone blinking "518 7295" a number I had commited to memory and that was enough to fix the problems I had that day. I called you back and our conversations would go hours after you had said you had to go because of my obnoxious pleading. "I can't say no to you" you said. I wish I had asked you not to go where I couldn't follow you.
You are playing songs while we're all in the car each with lyrics that only you and I connect to certain memories. When you get out your mom and I comment fondly on your perfect sense of direction. You always knew where you were going as I'm sure you do now. I could have fallen asleep right next you on your couch at 1447 Carolina Place after eating pizza and laughing about the TV show we were watching or the wrap it up sign. I lay there with my head lying on you and listened to your heart, telling you I could hear it and you said something like: "That's because I'm alive." That was the last day I saw you. The last thing you said to me was "Goodbye cutie, save monday to hang out with me when break ends." And I did, even if when I called, your dad told me you weren't there--at that time I simply assumed you had gone out--I can't imagine what was going through his head. I will save every Monday for you from now on.
A week later I stand only feet away from your flawless face that looks so peaceful, you watching everything through closed eyes, but you are so far away. I'm looking right at you but you're so intangeble and I have to force myself to leave that night and not look back knowing I won't see you again and I realize this is real. At that moment I wished I was in a fairy tale and could have kissed life back into you.
Each day my ankles tingle and I continue to look back even when I don't find you there. Eventually I will stop looking outside my history classroom thinking you'll be waiting to walk to lunch with me. I wonder what happens to your homework to be passed back or your christmas stocking, or your laundry, or the emails that are still in my box when I open it that you typed to me only a week ago. I email you and it's returned to me saying "Recipient not found" I need to find some other way to find you.
My heartbreak a hairline fracture compared to that of your parents but there just the same to show you how many people cared. You will always be missed. Words can't really describe a person or your smile, or your hugs. I think you should always tell people how you feel about them when you have the chance. I love you Brian.
Love always,
Caroline