I am in love with what we are, not what we should be.
I'll go back and write an entry about my awesome vacation and my not-so-awesome revisiting of my feelings for Dean, but this has been on my mind for a while so it's time I write it down.
I have the most complicated non-relationship-because-we-both-say-so-but-on-paper-totally-a-relationship friendship/relationship with the most complicated-but-simple-in-his-predictable-complexity man on the planet, and it drives me insane. It has made me laugh, cry and scream for a year now, and there are days I want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction with every fiber of my being. But when he's not driving me insane, he is also one of my best friends. And it's been a while since he's had more than a couple days in a row of uninterrupted happiness, so he maybe deserves a bit of a reminder about the reasons I think he's great, for when he forgets.
You are handsome:
When you are in your standard uniform of jeans and a t-shirt, or at work in khakis and a polo, and you've just showered and had a haircut and smell like tea tree and lavender and musk and man... And when you are in sweatpants and a well-loved long sleeve, and you haven't shaved for days and you are surrounded by chocolate wrappers and used Kleenex.
You are engaging:
When you talk for hours about environmental issues, world politics, the current socio-economic climate and living ethically... And when you talk for hours about jiu-jitsu and video games and superheros and your own personal mission to save the world.
You are endearing:
When you call your mother several times a week, and have dinner with your dad, and speak fondly of your friends, and show your capacity for patience and affection... And when you call to rant passionately for 25 minutes because somebody said or did something to rub you the wrong way, and you refuse to be silent about your displeasure.
You are sexy:
Well, you know why. In both official languages. At any opportunity we have alone... And when we're not alone, when you wink and flirt and whisper about the possibilities for another time.
You are responsible:
When you complete daunting to-do lists created by your own masochistic tendency to take on too much, no matter how much time and how many appointments and phone calls it takes... And when you make lists of the things you could do and take care of yourself instead.
You are sweet:
When you pack me a lunch when I don't have time, or tuck me in when I fall asleep before the credits, or listen to me rant for the 50th time and still take my side no matter how right or wrong I am... And when you don't do any of those things, and force me to take on the world myself, just because you know I can.
You are my friend, my co-worker, my neighbour, my sounding board, my chauffeur, my life coach, my therapist, my babysitter, my dinner date, my buffer, my co-conspirator, my lover and my greatest challenger; for all of these reasons above and a thousand more, I adore you. And I will be here; cheering you on, silently encouraging you, calling you on your bullshit when no-one else will, kissing you when you talk too much. And at the end of the day, no matter what we put each other through and no matter how much frustration we create, and no matter how this ends, I do (and will) firmly and wholly believe in you. Everything that you are, and could be.
I have the most complicated non-relationship-because-we-both-say-so-but-on-paper-totally-a-relationship friendship/relationship with the most complicated-but-simple-in-his-predictable-complexity man on the planet, and it drives me insane. It has made me laugh, cry and scream for a year now, and there are days I want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction with every fiber of my being. But when he's not driving me insane, he is also one of my best friends. And it's been a while since he's had more than a couple days in a row of uninterrupted happiness, so he maybe deserves a bit of a reminder about the reasons I think he's great, for when he forgets.
You are handsome:
When you are in your standard uniform of jeans and a t-shirt, or at work in khakis and a polo, and you've just showered and had a haircut and smell like tea tree and lavender and musk and man... And when you are in sweatpants and a well-loved long sleeve, and you haven't shaved for days and you are surrounded by chocolate wrappers and used Kleenex.
You are engaging:
When you talk for hours about environmental issues, world politics, the current socio-economic climate and living ethically... And when you talk for hours about jiu-jitsu and video games and superheros and your own personal mission to save the world.
You are endearing:
When you call your mother several times a week, and have dinner with your dad, and speak fondly of your friends, and show your capacity for patience and affection... And when you call to rant passionately for 25 minutes because somebody said or did something to rub you the wrong way, and you refuse to be silent about your displeasure.
You are sexy:
Well, you know why. In both official languages. At any opportunity we have alone... And when we're not alone, when you wink and flirt and whisper about the possibilities for another time.
You are responsible:
When you complete daunting to-do lists created by your own masochistic tendency to take on too much, no matter how much time and how many appointments and phone calls it takes... And when you make lists of the things you could do and take care of yourself instead.
You are sweet:
When you pack me a lunch when I don't have time, or tuck me in when I fall asleep before the credits, or listen to me rant for the 50th time and still take my side no matter how right or wrong I am... And when you don't do any of those things, and force me to take on the world myself, just because you know I can.
You are my friend, my co-worker, my neighbour, my sounding board, my chauffeur, my life coach, my therapist, my babysitter, my dinner date, my buffer, my co-conspirator, my lover and my greatest challenger; for all of these reasons above and a thousand more, I adore you. And I will be here; cheering you on, silently encouraging you, calling you on your bullshit when no-one else will, kissing you when you talk too much. And at the end of the day, no matter what we put each other through and no matter how much frustration we create, and no matter how this ends, I do (and will) firmly and wholly believe in you. Everything that you are, and could be.