(no subject)
Sometimes. Scratch that, damn near all the time, I wish I could make my brain do what may heart is tryin' to tell it to do.
Does the universe ever just give you sign after sign after whacky sign? And you ignore them. Like an idiot. A stupid idiot.
It's hard for me to outwardly express real feelings. I just had to bottle them up and be strong for the world so much that it kind of just became second nature. But I'm tired of bein' that way and I'm tryin' my damnedest to be more vocal on matters of the heart and what have you.
It's just very difficult for me. It's not because I don't want to, I would love nothing more than to say all the things that I feel. And it's not really even because I lack confidence. I love me. I know I'm awesome. Am as I good as I can be? Hell no! But really who is ya know? And I'm tryin' very hard to better myself, harder than I've ever tried in my entire life in fact. It's working. Ever so slowly it's workin'.
And that makes me happy. To keep winning little battles against old Brandon Robles and becoming a better dude. 'Cause I'll be the first to tell you for a long ass time I was a rotten person. I always had good intentions I like to think, but I didn't really give a shit how I got what I needed. So I did many things that I'm not particularly proud of. I wasted a lot of prime time youth dickin' around and headin' down so many wrong roads that it took just up until the last year to get the compass pointed back in the right direction. That's ok though, because that's what people do. The lucky ones figure it out sooner rather than later, but I like to believe there's a point in every human's life where they just wanna do everything they can to make themselves better. A better self equals a better life is what I'm bankin' on.
It's progress. Very, very slow progress. And baby steps are better than no steps at all. I just want to be the best person I can be so I can give the best person I know the best me. She deserves that. I have to do that. If I don't then I just have this aching feeling in my soul that I'm gonna look back one day and regret that I never took that chance. I want to make the leap. But sometimes the idea of hittin' the ground scares me.
When you find something that makes you happy I feel like you can't let it get away. Not just la-de-dah, Disney happy. Real happiness. Doing shit you probably wouldn't do without a push. Despite the fact that you're terrified inside you suck it up and do what you know you hafta do. Not for another person. But because that other person makes you a better person.
That's what I've been lookin' for since I was 14 years old. And yes maybe I said that the person might not be in this city, this state, or even this country. But she's definitely on this planet somewhere. That was a lie. I know exactly where she is. I just hafta keep goin' in a positive direction and if the cookie bounces the right way, the stars align, and the Good Lord finally sees that I'm not wasting the shit out of this precious life, then just maybe. Maybe.
I just have to trust my process. I know I can do this. I can't fail. If I come up short I come up short, but I'll be Goddamned if it's because I didn't try just this time. I'll keep my Loyal Readers abreast obviously. I'm in a good place and it's kind of bizarre to me because I'm spent the majority of my 20s in a horrible, no good, very bad places.
But I tell you what. If I win this one I'd be the happiness man in the entire world. But I hafta make myself the best I can be before I deserve the only thing I can think of that's better than the best.
We're gettin' there folks. It's a long climb, not even close honestly, but I'm making it. On my own. In this giant city. Trying to be happy. That's why we pop out and start living right? The never-ending pursuit of happiness. I'm comin' and I will catch you! I feel it, even if for the life of me my dumbass brain can't wrap it's head around it.
Goodbye friends. I'll write soon again I'm sure.
Does the universe ever just give you sign after sign after whacky sign? And you ignore them. Like an idiot. A stupid idiot.
It's hard for me to outwardly express real feelings. I just had to bottle them up and be strong for the world so much that it kind of just became second nature. But I'm tired of bein' that way and I'm tryin' my damnedest to be more vocal on matters of the heart and what have you.
It's just very difficult for me. It's not because I don't want to, I would love nothing more than to say all the things that I feel. And it's not really even because I lack confidence. I love me. I know I'm awesome. Am as I good as I can be? Hell no! But really who is ya know? And I'm tryin' very hard to better myself, harder than I've ever tried in my entire life in fact. It's working. Ever so slowly it's workin'.
And that makes me happy. To keep winning little battles against old Brandon Robles and becoming a better dude. 'Cause I'll be the first to tell you for a long ass time I was a rotten person. I always had good intentions I like to think, but I didn't really give a shit how I got what I needed. So I did many things that I'm not particularly proud of. I wasted a lot of prime time youth dickin' around and headin' down so many wrong roads that it took just up until the last year to get the compass pointed back in the right direction. That's ok though, because that's what people do. The lucky ones figure it out sooner rather than later, but I like to believe there's a point in every human's life where they just wanna do everything they can to make themselves better. A better self equals a better life is what I'm bankin' on.
It's progress. Very, very slow progress. And baby steps are better than no steps at all. I just want to be the best person I can be so I can give the best person I know the best me. She deserves that. I have to do that. If I don't then I just have this aching feeling in my soul that I'm gonna look back one day and regret that I never took that chance. I want to make the leap. But sometimes the idea of hittin' the ground scares me.
When you find something that makes you happy I feel like you can't let it get away. Not just la-de-dah, Disney happy. Real happiness. Doing shit you probably wouldn't do without a push. Despite the fact that you're terrified inside you suck it up and do what you know you hafta do. Not for another person. But because that other person makes you a better person.
That's what I've been lookin' for since I was 14 years old. And yes maybe I said that the person might not be in this city, this state, or even this country. But she's definitely on this planet somewhere. That was a lie. I know exactly where she is. I just hafta keep goin' in a positive direction and if the cookie bounces the right way, the stars align, and the Good Lord finally sees that I'm not wasting the shit out of this precious life, then just maybe. Maybe.
I just have to trust my process. I know I can do this. I can't fail. If I come up short I come up short, but I'll be Goddamned if it's because I didn't try just this time. I'll keep my Loyal Readers abreast obviously. I'm in a good place and it's kind of bizarre to me because I'm spent the majority of my 20s in a horrible, no good, very bad places.
But I tell you what. If I win this one I'd be the happiness man in the entire world. But I hafta make myself the best I can be before I deserve the only thing I can think of that's better than the best.
We're gettin' there folks. It's a long climb, not even close honestly, but I'm making it. On my own. In this giant city. Trying to be happy. That's why we pop out and start living right? The never-ending pursuit of happiness. I'm comin' and I will catch you! I feel it, even if for the life of me my dumbass brain can't wrap it's head around it.
Goodbye friends. I'll write soon again I'm sure.