(no subject)
i'm thinking venting makes me feel better..? so today pretty much sucked. to summarize: i'm at a point where everything is terrible. i'm not being dramatic, just honest. and then when i think things are getting better [see previous entries..] it all goes to hell again. i'm now doing things i never would have thought of doing...and yes they're "bad." i can't help it; it makes me feel better. but not for long, because i feel like shit, then for a brief time feel a little better, then feel even worse. its a vicious cycle. and then everytime i even think about that one person that i've been in love with, and the way everything is fucked, and the things we've said to each other..i start crying. they're tears of regret, and sorrow, and loss. because it's MY FAULT. my fault that i fuck up everybody's lives. i have no motivation anymore..why get up in the morning when i have nothing to look forward to? i don't see why i even bother. this isn't the way its supposed to be..where i'm only happy under the influence of something and i only live for certain people that i shouldn't necessarily be associated with. i really don't see anything getting better for a long time, and i'm trying to accept that. i've even tried changing so hard to make things right again, but of course it doesn't work. nothing works. i'm shutting everyone out, especially those that don't deserve to be. i'm rotting away in my own depression, and no one even seems to care.