(no subject)
ok so shit just pretty much sucks right now...i was talking to jill today at work and she was all ohhh you were with kevin jackson the other night blah blah blah... cuz of course billy told jaimie and jaimie told her... annnnnnnnd billy also told jaimie that we just showed up at chilis on friday night... hes fucken queer... oh and guess who hes moving back in with on friday... michele. hes a fucken scumbag... and i know that i said i hate him... i do hate him i really do but it hurts... that def makes me feel like shit. honestly how freakin long has that one been goin on for... when jill told me that i literally felt my heart drop down to my feet and i've gotta say that it def was the worst feeling i have ever experanced... i dont want to care.. i honestly thought that i didnt care anymore but that for some reason just pushed me over the edge..i think its just cuz i know that this means its def all over for good...theres no "oh well he'll call me in a week this is what he does..." nope its done over and theres no going back at all.. i didnt know whether i wanted to be angry or sad... i was just shocked it was one of those times where you just wish you were numb and didnt feel any sort of emotion at all. i dont want to care about him any more.. things were good at the begining... but thats it he was a shit head... i got dragged through so much shit its not even funny and looking back at it all i dont know what made me stay... i liked the way he made me feel when i was with him... i guess i dont know... but the sad part is i know that it was all wrong.. i knew what i was doing to myself and i knew all along that i should jsut walk away but i dragged myself deeper and deeper into it all to the point where i was drowning... i threw myself into something that was never really even there... i should have known that i was simply used for amusement...should have just seen right through it all but i was to caught up in it all... and i cant blame it all on him cuz i was warned numerous times... i saw it all first hand... i should just stayed away the first time he pulled this shit... but i was an ass and fell for it over and over again... but for some reason i jsut couldnt let go.. i was naive and let him get away with it... everytime i said thats it im not dealing anymore im done.. he'd call and somehow it was all just k again.... i let him walk all over me and it was the stupidest thing i ever could have done.... i saw right through it all but i had myself living in a fantasy world where he actually cared about me... everythings just so screwed up and wish i had just stayed away..... well i hope hes happy with her...