a confession...
i have a confession to make.
We were at the bridal show this weekend, and there of course was a fashion show. One of the models was obviously anorexic and everyone made comments about how nasty it was and how they wanted to go eat a cheeseburger.
i wanted to go throw one up.
I felt sorry for her, i don't want to be in that position, but deep down inside there is that twinkling of envy. I wish i had that kind of self-control. I've never battled with an eating disorder, i just go into control freak phases and my mind gets all fuzzy on what's important and what's reality. Truth is, i think i'm heavier than i need to be. I think i need to take better care of myself. I think Matt deserves someone who doesn't let go all the time. I'm afraid that i'm just getting older and it wont be easy to look like i want to down the road. I'm "okay" for now... not happy with what i look like, but okay. In 10 years, i don't want to be the woman who is constantly on a diet. I want to eat right and exercise regularly. But for some reason, my mind tells me i need a jump start. I need to do something now. I keep hearing people say "oh, your wedding is when you weigh the least in your life!" and "what's your wedding diet program?" "don't you have any weight loss goals for the big day?" etc. etc. etc. .............*sigh*
I'm not crazy. I'm not obsessive. I just want to be skinny. I want to be able to have control over when i eat. I get so mad at myself sometimes when i'm hungry all day. It's like i'm stuffed one minute, and then a half hour later i want to eat again. And i get mad at myself. I get upset and start to dislike myself very much. I start to take it out on other people, and that's just not right. It's just not right.
We were at the bridal show this weekend, and there of course was a fashion show. One of the models was obviously anorexic and everyone made comments about how nasty it was and how they wanted to go eat a cheeseburger.
i wanted to go throw one up.
I felt sorry for her, i don't want to be in that position, but deep down inside there is that twinkling of envy. I wish i had that kind of self-control. I've never battled with an eating disorder, i just go into control freak phases and my mind gets all fuzzy on what's important and what's reality. Truth is, i think i'm heavier than i need to be. I think i need to take better care of myself. I think Matt deserves someone who doesn't let go all the time. I'm afraid that i'm just getting older and it wont be easy to look like i want to down the road. I'm "okay" for now... not happy with what i look like, but okay. In 10 years, i don't want to be the woman who is constantly on a diet. I want to eat right and exercise regularly. But for some reason, my mind tells me i need a jump start. I need to do something now. I keep hearing people say "oh, your wedding is when you weigh the least in your life!" and "what's your wedding diet program?" "don't you have any weight loss goals for the big day?" etc. etc. etc. .............*sigh*
I'm not crazy. I'm not obsessive. I just want to be skinny. I want to be able to have control over when i eat. I get so mad at myself sometimes when i'm hungry all day. It's like i'm stuffed one minute, and then a half hour later i want to eat again. And i get mad at myself. I get upset and start to dislike myself very much. I start to take it out on other people, and that's just not right. It's just not right.