meaning of this life i have
As I sit here staring off into the darkness I remember as my life....I don't know why I was put here or what it is I am supposed to accomplish....right now I want to just spend the rest of my life hiding in my closet (literally)...Sometimes I don't see the point in breathing anymore...I try to get better, to talk about things...but the more I talk the more isolated I feel...after 5 therapists have left me I begin to wonder if there is any hope of getting through this...the one I have now i have had for 3 yrs now...at first it was nice cause she was abused herself....now I am beginning to feel like I am abnormal for feeling the way I do...like I don't measure up to her....like she is better cause she prevailed and I am stuck in this hell...like its so fucking easy for me to forgive my father and everyone else for that matter....like its wrong to really hate my father...but feel like he is the only one who ever really loved me...the only one who made me feel safe...the one whos arms I run to in my dreams when I am scared or hurt...even when its him I am running from....I see him as 2 completly different beings....and that terrifies me...but when I tell anyone this I feel like no one understands me...even her....its like it should be black and white but i am so lost in the gray....since I turned 16 I have let exactly 5 people in to my own private world....it scares me that I even let anyone in....it took me 2 years after that before i would let anyone of those people that I trusted to hug me or touch me for that matter...now I am constantly looking over my shoulder and looking for hidden meanings in things....I am scared to get to close, I run before that could ever happen.....i am scared that I will trust someone to much only to have them leave me to fend alone again...between my mom, dad, family, hell almost everyone i have ever known...once they got what they wanted they left me high and dry...I just want to be normal and loved but the closer I get to it the faster I run from it....I try to be what everyone wants me to be, but that gets hard when everybody wants you to be something different...If I am asked what I want I probably honestly couldnt tell you anymore cause I am to influenced by everyone elses expectations of me...I have come to a point of not wanting to do anything cause whatever I do it wont be right or ever good enough....I try to prove I am worth love but I always fall short somehow...my 95's were never hundreds, I never was good enough at sports, there was always someone better even if they had to look as far as another state to find them...and my music...hell if they couldnt find anything wrong with it they would make something up....I am always choosing sides...never having stable ground to stand on...when I say nothing I get it from both sides...so now i choose whoever will bitch the less to go against....but its gettin really hard to do that around here....I swear my mom has chosen my stepdad over me....(god same situation just another man)....I ran and ran to get away from my father just for her to marry another...at least I felt loved by my father....now its like I am just a servant...like he married my mom for my services to him...cook dinner, do the dishes, do the laundry, do this, do that, get a job, go to school, oh by the way I need you take care of things 1 thru 100 on the list by 5pm....grrrrr....why am I here except to make everyones life easier