(no subject)

[brokensmileat16]

i never thought that i would one of those people. but the adrenaline rush that gets released soothes my anger.. and im not sure if its all in my head or what. and i used to be happy all the time and now i feel like i can never get to what i used to be. i mean i can put on a fake smile and get through the day without anyone asking questions but i always feel like im under the watchful eye. we learned that schizophrenia runs in families. and if your in one of those families you never know whats gonna set it off. my uncle is schizophrenic... that means it runs in my family and who knows its just a ticking time bomb.. what if something sets it off.. what if i become schizophrenic.. i mean not saying its a horrible thing.. but at the same time it is. i saw what it did to my uncle and how you pretty much have to walk on egg shells around him. i dont want that to be me. i mean what if thats why i feel like him and i have a bond when i never talk to him and out of all his nieces im one that knows him the least.. what if im destined to have it and thats like my sign.. maybe im just over thinking everythiing like i always do.

either way i just wish that christmas would glide over my house without effecting anything.. fat chance huh.. i dont know why im not excited.. theres always been a little kid inside of me.. and im almost sure that all the clothes that people got me wont fit.. oh well guess i really will have to hit the gym..

i can feel my anxiety levels rising and i just want them to go away. i dont want to worry about anything anymore.. <3