Updates on me
Okay, this is going to sound like a bad post of entry again here but instead of me explaining the same thing over and over to people, I'm just going to write everything down and direct them here instead.
So, this is an update on my life as it is currently.
The short version:
1. I am now employed in an EU-project (European Union) for 15 years +
2. My grandmother has cancer but denies it
3. Due to my grandmother having cancer, my family on my mom's side are going heywhire
4. Due to my family going heywhire over my grandmother, I get stuck in between
5. The soap opera that is currently my irl life has made me break down several times already
6. I didn't send christmas with my granny, my mom and my youngest aunt because I couldn't face those three that has hurt me the most
7. I didn't spend christmas with my oldest aunt (which I live with and love it) and my cousins because apparently I was "one person too much" there
8. I managed to call my dad and got to spend christmas there instead so I wasn't alone at least
9. I'm trying to look at the bright side of life
10. I have a career on the go, my family on mom's side are obviously jealous
11. Mom needs psychological help but she denies it, everybody else is in fault, not her.
So, to sum this up in an explanation where I'm not sure I'll begin... I'll do my best.
At the first of November I moved in with my oldest aunt, let's call her 'I', I had been thinking about it for a little over 6 months before I asked her and she said yes. The reason is that I work with her and instead of sitting on a train weekly back and forth and leaving my cats home alone from monday to friday, I decided I wanted to move 'closer to work' and my aunt was kind enough to let me stay with her. I have the entire basement to myself including a
fireplace! The cats live with me but we have the entire house to roam about in and it's one big house I can tell you!
So... what's wrong with this you ask? From my point of view, nothing at all. I love my aunt and I love my work and I have a roof over my head, food on the table and my cats have a good life. However... that is apparently not good enough in my mom's, grandmother's or youngest aunt (let's call her 'E')'s eyes... They say "you're 27 years old and live in someone's basement. You should have your own place and make money" well... DUH! It was my OWN choice to move in there and I AM making money at the moment! I'm just waiting for the pay check, I got employment for at least 15 years (I'd be 42 then) if not more but that's not good enough "because I live in a basement" ...
And what else? Well, apparently I don't have my own will since everything I say is my aunt I manipulating me because she's the black cheep in the family and apparently I'm turning black by living with her as well... oh joy. My family is basically bullying me by saying I'm not good enough (yet again) and they behave so bad towards me that I've broken down in tears so many times over them. We used to be so close to each other but now I'm not even worth the dirt under their shoes because I live with my older aunt...
When my grandmother got sick, we didn't know anything for a good while. Mom just called and told me one day (about a month ago now) that my granny was sick and that they had found a lump in her stomach. She's been fighting "a soar stomach" for over a year and the docs gave her medicine for that and didn't check her up until now.. one YEAR later and then it showed that she has cancer on her stomach pressing on the 'stomach mouth' (not sure what you call it but I'm sure you understand me anyway) and it's the size of an egg. From that lump, a vine goes out stretching towards her liver but hasn't attached it self there (yet). This is the words I got from my granny. But... what did I hear from my mom and aunt E ? ... That my grandmother had cancer in her entire stomach, on her intestines and in her liver as well as on her stomach... quite different stories, ne?
I can't trust anything my mom or aunt E says at the same time I can't really trust my granny either since she's still in denial saying she doesn't have cancer (even though she did just admit she has a lump on her stomach stretching towards her liver) and she won't die etc etc (although having that in mind, that's a good way of thinking). And, I told my aunt I this info I got from my brother (my mom and aunt E's info) when my brother called and informed me on what was going on since my mom refused to "tell me over the phone" ... I can't sit on a bus for 30 min, then a train for over an hour just to get to my birth city just to get the news eye to eye every time something bad happens.... *mutter*
IN this mess, christmas of course came up and I told my aunt I that I wanted to celebrate christmas with my cousins and her, she said it was fine and that she'd ask L my male cousin that had the celebration at his house this year. My mom calls me and says that "we are to celebrate christmas at granny's" (making it sound like a demand and nothing else) and I told her I already accepted to celebrate with my cousins. She starts arguing with me that "this may be granny's last christmas, are you really going to pass that up? she has about 6 months to live" ... which no one really knows... She always tries to play with my guilt and I hate it so bad and somehow she always makes me doubt myself until I sit in an anxiety attack.
So, why listen to her you ask? ... I try not to but it's quite hard when you've been bound by words like "can you really get a job with that / oh..well.. that's nice../ do it this way / Tell them this" so... in other words, I've never been allowed to think for myself, to talk for myself or anything during my entire childhood (which I've realized now when I live with my aunt I who wants me to tell her how I feel and think in matters). So, with this knowledge.. I'm working very hard not to let her get to me but sometimes it's just too hard to hold back. It's like having a tilting wall against you that you have to push back with your arms, sometimes it just gets too heavy and the wall falls over you.
Four days before christmas I met my granny and that was also when she eventually told me how things were with her and everything to it. She told me to my face (at least she had the guts to) that she thinks that it's my aunt I that has dominated me not to want to spend christmas with them and that it would be "soooo nice" if I would. I told her that I hadn't decided yet but that I would think about it at least and in honesty.. I did.
I also told her straight from the heart that I'm SO fucking sick of all the backstabbing, all the shit talks about others and that no one talks to ME about what I feel but just sit there assuming things about me but never once asking me about the matter. That really hurts. To have family members that were really close to you, now talking shit about you because you moved in with "the black sheep" of the family... oh joy. My family is bullying me and it feels like hell...
When at granny's I told her that I'd meet my "mom no 2" (my mom's former best friends who's been like a mom to me and I love her for it) down town for lunch. When mom asked me what I was going to do that day, I said I'd meet a friend down town but didn't say who. And... as gossipy as my granny is, she must have called mom the instant I left to tell her who I was meeting because when I got back to mom's to finish wrapping christmas gifts she just asked me with a really sharp offensive voice "well, how was the meet with ***" I just glanced at her and told her it was fine and that we had fun. Then she tells me that I shouldn't have contact with her because "she's done mom so bad" ... (which is not true, I asked her later and what she did was telling mom that she couldn't handle being in contact with her because mom was bringing her down with her negativity and wanted a break but told her what she could do to feel better etc. Mom thanked her then) I said I didn't care and that I had a good time. Then mom tells me that when *** "yelled at her" (which she didn't) she told me that *** told her shit about me as well that my mom "just had to take" and she claimed that *** said that I was a lazy 27 year old sitting in my apartment at my computer 24/7 doing nothing. I told her instantly that it didn't even sound like *** to say things like that and if she thought that of me, why would she meet me and be all happy and thrilled that we could meet even if it was for only two hours over lunch? Then mom went like "you know she's over 40..." like friendship has anything to do with age? ... pft... mom always keeps grasping for straws to bring me down but it simply isn't working anymore. Not in that way at least.
Anyway, the day before christmas my aunt I calls me and tells me that I can't celebrate christmas at my cousins and my mom's behavior the day before (the talk about my mom no 2) had made me decide NOT to celebrate christmas there. Not to mention I felt that I simply could not sit there with a glued on smile with three people I despise... it just doesn't work that way...
So, I ended up breaking down at least 6-8 something times the day before christmas (23rd, we celebrate christmas the 24th) before I sent a text msg to dad asking him if I could celebrate christmas with him. And, I can just love him for knowing that I am ALWAYS welcome at his place no matter what and it doesn't even matter if his wife is sick (she's... REALLY sick.. has about 23 diagnoses now over the span of a few years). He gladly took me in and I've had a very good and stress free christmas eve.
No one knows where I'm at except for dad, my aunt I and one of my friends. Mom and my aunt E has tried to fish on where I'm at but I haven't told them anything and I won't either. All I told mom was that I solved my problems and that I'm not spending christmas alone. She tried to get more out of me but I never told her anything, and this was over text message.
Oh and one more thing... when this christmas mess started, I realized that we hadn't managed to get a sitter for my cats and they can't be home alone. I ended up going home from visiting my birth city (living in my best friend's apartment even though she is away on holidays, god I LOVE her!) I stayed one night with my cats before I went back to get my things at her apartment just to go back again so I spent 3 hours only on traveling back and forth before dad came and picked me up. To this cat story is also the fact that I asked mom to take the car and drive me to my aunt, get my cats and all I needed for them then go back so they could be at her place. She said she was soooo busy that day so she couldn't possibly do it. Yet... she kept calling me from her home phone (she claimed she wouldn't be home) several times and I refused to answer. I was already on the train and I had made up my mind.
Once I was home she sends a text message asking me if I had asked my brother if he could drive... umh... why would I ask my hyper cat allergic brother to drive me to get my cats!!? STUPID! (I told her that in her face too the day before..) She asked me if I'd take the cats on the train now when I was with them and I yet again replied that I can't take three cats (one loose in arms while two in a travel box) along with the litter box, bowls, food and sand on a train alone and that was (like I told her directly before) IMPOSSIBLE!
So... now when she thought all my options were out, she wanted to play the good mom and I turned her down harshly, she upset me so bad because she refused to help me when I asked her to. That also made me decide that I'm going to take more steps away from her. I can't stop contact all together because I still have things at her place that are mine since I moved... but still, after I have those things. She's out of my life until she gets out of the sand box and can behave like an adult. Right now.. I feel like I'm the parent and she's the 5 year old kicking her legs and screaming while throwing sand around.
I won't have it, I won't have any of it and I'm turning my back on things as they are. If my mom, aunt E and granny wants to sit there and speculate on my life and bring everything down to a level I've never even been at... fine, do so. But if they can not ask ME about MY life... they're not worth my breath of protest.
Mom needs expert help, my aunt E needs to wake up and understand that she's not mommy's little girl anymore (she's 42!! she calls my granny several times a day!!) and my granny needs to realize that not everything revolves about her. And my grandad? ... I can just wish he will survive this all, he's too soft and unwilling to discuss things and just feels bad on his own... *sigh*
So.. yeah.. one short version and one looooooong version of what's going on in my life.
If you have any questions, just ask if it's even interesting for you to know.
However, I'm good where I am now, I have people who love me around me and I have two solid things in my life. My aunt I and my Dad and I'm glad I have them and that they're willing to listen to me when I bawl my eyes out in frustration and hurt.
... Some day I will be able to say this entire mess has made me stronger, one of these days. I'm not there yet but I will be eventually...
So, this is an update on my life as it is currently.
The short version:
1. I am now employed in an EU-project (European Union) for 15 years +
2. My grandmother has cancer but denies it
3. Due to my grandmother having cancer, my family on my mom's side are going heywhire
4. Due to my family going heywhire over my grandmother, I get stuck in between
5. The soap opera that is currently my irl life has made me break down several times already
6. I didn't send christmas with my granny, my mom and my youngest aunt because I couldn't face those three that has hurt me the most
7. I didn't spend christmas with my oldest aunt (which I live with and love it) and my cousins because apparently I was "one person too much" there
8. I managed to call my dad and got to spend christmas there instead so I wasn't alone at least
9. I'm trying to look at the bright side of life
10. I have a career on the go, my family on mom's side are obviously jealous
11. Mom needs psychological help but she denies it, everybody else is in fault, not her.
So, to sum this up in an explanation where I'm not sure I'll begin... I'll do my best.
At the first of November I moved in with my oldest aunt, let's call her 'I', I had been thinking about it for a little over 6 months before I asked her and she said yes. The reason is that I work with her and instead of sitting on a train weekly back and forth and leaving my cats home alone from monday to friday, I decided I wanted to move 'closer to work' and my aunt was kind enough to let me stay with her. I have the entire basement to myself including a
fireplace! The cats live with me but we have the entire house to roam about in and it's one big house I can tell you!
So... what's wrong with this you ask? From my point of view, nothing at all. I love my aunt and I love my work and I have a roof over my head, food on the table and my cats have a good life. However... that is apparently not good enough in my mom's, grandmother's or youngest aunt (let's call her 'E')'s eyes... They say "you're 27 years old and live in someone's basement. You should have your own place and make money" well... DUH! It was my OWN choice to move in there and I AM making money at the moment! I'm just waiting for the pay check, I got employment for at least 15 years (I'd be 42 then) if not more but that's not good enough "because I live in a basement" ...
And what else? Well, apparently I don't have my own will since everything I say is my aunt I manipulating me because she's the black cheep in the family and apparently I'm turning black by living with her as well... oh joy. My family is basically bullying me by saying I'm not good enough (yet again) and they behave so bad towards me that I've broken down in tears so many times over them. We used to be so close to each other but now I'm not even worth the dirt under their shoes because I live with my older aunt...
When my grandmother got sick, we didn't know anything for a good while. Mom just called and told me one day (about a month ago now) that my granny was sick and that they had found a lump in her stomach. She's been fighting "a soar stomach" for over a year and the docs gave her medicine for that and didn't check her up until now.. one YEAR later and then it showed that she has cancer on her stomach pressing on the 'stomach mouth' (not sure what you call it but I'm sure you understand me anyway) and it's the size of an egg. From that lump, a vine goes out stretching towards her liver but hasn't attached it self there (yet). This is the words I got from my granny. But... what did I hear from my mom and aunt E ? ... That my grandmother had cancer in her entire stomach, on her intestines and in her liver as well as on her stomach... quite different stories, ne?
I can't trust anything my mom or aunt E says at the same time I can't really trust my granny either since she's still in denial saying she doesn't have cancer (even though she did just admit she has a lump on her stomach stretching towards her liver) and she won't die etc etc (although having that in mind, that's a good way of thinking). And, I told my aunt I this info I got from my brother (my mom and aunt E's info) when my brother called and informed me on what was going on since my mom refused to "tell me over the phone" ... I can't sit on a bus for 30 min, then a train for over an hour just to get to my birth city just to get the news eye to eye every time something bad happens.... *mutter*
IN this mess, christmas of course came up and I told my aunt I that I wanted to celebrate christmas with my cousins and her, she said it was fine and that she'd ask L my male cousin that had the celebration at his house this year. My mom calls me and says that "we are to celebrate christmas at granny's" (making it sound like a demand and nothing else) and I told her I already accepted to celebrate with my cousins. She starts arguing with me that "this may be granny's last christmas, are you really going to pass that up? she has about 6 months to live" ... which no one really knows... She always tries to play with my guilt and I hate it so bad and somehow she always makes me doubt myself until I sit in an anxiety attack.
So, why listen to her you ask? ... I try not to but it's quite hard when you've been bound by words like "can you really get a job with that / oh..well.. that's nice../ do it this way / Tell them this" so... in other words, I've never been allowed to think for myself, to talk for myself or anything during my entire childhood (which I've realized now when I live with my aunt I who wants me to tell her how I feel and think in matters). So, with this knowledge.. I'm working very hard not to let her get to me but sometimes it's just too hard to hold back. It's like having a tilting wall against you that you have to push back with your arms, sometimes it just gets too heavy and the wall falls over you.
Four days before christmas I met my granny and that was also when she eventually told me how things were with her and everything to it. She told me to my face (at least she had the guts to) that she thinks that it's my aunt I that has dominated me not to want to spend christmas with them and that it would be "soooo nice" if I would. I told her that I hadn't decided yet but that I would think about it at least and in honesty.. I did.
I also told her straight from the heart that I'm SO fucking sick of all the backstabbing, all the shit talks about others and that no one talks to ME about what I feel but just sit there assuming things about me but never once asking me about the matter. That really hurts. To have family members that were really close to you, now talking shit about you because you moved in with "the black sheep" of the family... oh joy. My family is bullying me and it feels like hell...
When at granny's I told her that I'd meet my "mom no 2" (my mom's former best friends who's been like a mom to me and I love her for it) down town for lunch. When mom asked me what I was going to do that day, I said I'd meet a friend down town but didn't say who. And... as gossipy as my granny is, she must have called mom the instant I left to tell her who I was meeting because when I got back to mom's to finish wrapping christmas gifts she just asked me with a really sharp offensive voice "well, how was the meet with ***" I just glanced at her and told her it was fine and that we had fun. Then she tells me that I shouldn't have contact with her because "she's done mom so bad" ... (which is not true, I asked her later and what she did was telling mom that she couldn't handle being in contact with her because mom was bringing her down with her negativity and wanted a break but told her what she could do to feel better etc. Mom thanked her then) I said I didn't care and that I had a good time. Then mom tells me that when *** "yelled at her" (which she didn't) she told me that *** told her shit about me as well that my mom "just had to take" and she claimed that *** said that I was a lazy 27 year old sitting in my apartment at my computer 24/7 doing nothing. I told her instantly that it didn't even sound like *** to say things like that and if she thought that of me, why would she meet me and be all happy and thrilled that we could meet even if it was for only two hours over lunch? Then mom went like "you know she's over 40..." like friendship has anything to do with age? ... pft... mom always keeps grasping for straws to bring me down but it simply isn't working anymore. Not in that way at least.
Anyway, the day before christmas my aunt I calls me and tells me that I can't celebrate christmas at my cousins and my mom's behavior the day before (the talk about my mom no 2) had made me decide NOT to celebrate christmas there. Not to mention I felt that I simply could not sit there with a glued on smile with three people I despise... it just doesn't work that way...
So, I ended up breaking down at least 6-8 something times the day before christmas (23rd, we celebrate christmas the 24th) before I sent a text msg to dad asking him if I could celebrate christmas with him. And, I can just love him for knowing that I am ALWAYS welcome at his place no matter what and it doesn't even matter if his wife is sick (she's... REALLY sick.. has about 23 diagnoses now over the span of a few years). He gladly took me in and I've had a very good and stress free christmas eve.
No one knows where I'm at except for dad, my aunt I and one of my friends. Mom and my aunt E has tried to fish on where I'm at but I haven't told them anything and I won't either. All I told mom was that I solved my problems and that I'm not spending christmas alone. She tried to get more out of me but I never told her anything, and this was over text message.
Oh and one more thing... when this christmas mess started, I realized that we hadn't managed to get a sitter for my cats and they can't be home alone. I ended up going home from visiting my birth city (living in my best friend's apartment even though she is away on holidays, god I LOVE her!) I stayed one night with my cats before I went back to get my things at her apartment just to go back again so I spent 3 hours only on traveling back and forth before dad came and picked me up. To this cat story is also the fact that I asked mom to take the car and drive me to my aunt, get my cats and all I needed for them then go back so they could be at her place. She said she was soooo busy that day so she couldn't possibly do it. Yet... she kept calling me from her home phone (she claimed she wouldn't be home) several times and I refused to answer. I was already on the train and I had made up my mind.
Once I was home she sends a text message asking me if I had asked my brother if he could drive... umh... why would I ask my hyper cat allergic brother to drive me to get my cats!!? STUPID! (I told her that in her face too the day before..) She asked me if I'd take the cats on the train now when I was with them and I yet again replied that I can't take three cats (one loose in arms while two in a travel box) along with the litter box, bowls, food and sand on a train alone and that was (like I told her directly before) IMPOSSIBLE!
So... now when she thought all my options were out, she wanted to play the good mom and I turned her down harshly, she upset me so bad because she refused to help me when I asked her to. That also made me decide that I'm going to take more steps away from her. I can't stop contact all together because I still have things at her place that are mine since I moved... but still, after I have those things. She's out of my life until she gets out of the sand box and can behave like an adult. Right now.. I feel like I'm the parent and she's the 5 year old kicking her legs and screaming while throwing sand around.
I won't have it, I won't have any of it and I'm turning my back on things as they are. If my mom, aunt E and granny wants to sit there and speculate on my life and bring everything down to a level I've never even been at... fine, do so. But if they can not ask ME about MY life... they're not worth my breath of protest.
Mom needs expert help, my aunt E needs to wake up and understand that she's not mommy's little girl anymore (she's 42!! she calls my granny several times a day!!) and my granny needs to realize that not everything revolves about her. And my grandad? ... I can just wish he will survive this all, he's too soft and unwilling to discuss things and just feels bad on his own... *sigh*
So.. yeah.. one short version and one looooooong version of what's going on in my life.
If you have any questions, just ask if it's even interesting for you to know.
However, I'm good where I am now, I have people who love me around me and I have two solid things in my life. My aunt I and my Dad and I'm glad I have them and that they're willing to listen to me when I bawl my eyes out in frustration and hurt.
... Some day I will be able to say this entire mess has made me stronger, one of these days. I'm not there yet but I will be eventually...