Packing Boxes
So its another hot day here in Fayetteville NC and the box packing is still going. Uggg I hate this. I feel like my whole world is broken into a million pices and I can't fit them all back together. Ive never in my life felt pain like this in my whole life. I dont wanna hurt anymore but I really love Paul...Why did this happen?! Hes not the same person that left...I miss the happy, smily, caring, loving, sweet, that 1000 hand writtien kisses from Iraq husband that I had. And I want him back so badly. I hate him for not going to someone about his problems and letting us fall apart....I hate him being self concious about himself and him thinking I dont love him...That really hurts. I hate that hes not happy with himself and that I cant seem to help him feel better. I use to be able to make him smile with a simple kiss or an I love you but hes jus so down and depressed that he jus not there anymore.
Im doing the only thing I can do wich is pack my stuff and hope he see's how much he really loves me. Im gonna miss him tucking me back into bed when he gets up for PT in the morning.
I dont see how him making me go home is because he loves me. Telling me I cant live out my dreams with him that I deserve better that he wants to see me as Americas next top chef...Why cant I do that with him at my side?! I dont get it..? I though a husband/wife was there for you....I said better or wose richer or poorer and I ment it....Hard times and easy times.....The 15 months was hard and I held it down for him....And now this.? FUCK FUCK FUCK....I was wanna sit in a dark conor and cry. I dont wanna feel this way anymore....IDK...I dont have anymore energy right now....Im jus so fucking lost....