All I Feel Is The Wind On My Face As I Fly Through The Sky
I went into melt down mode last night. I'm so worried about Dominic Gravina, my head feels like it's spinning sometimes. I barely know him and his accident put a damper on my spirits. Adam knows the story so there was no point in going over all that shit with him over again so I went to the next closest to me, my shoulder to cry on so to speak... I texted Pete, around 1 AM and told him I needed to talk to him, and he should logg on. So he did. and I vented, I bawled. God. You'd've thought Dominic was my best friend the way I cried. But I felt better afterwards, relieved I guess you could say.. Then we had this lil talk..
Me: You ever wish you could fly?
Pete: every day, expecually when im on a plane
Me: No, I mean wish you had wings and could just fly off every once in a while to just sit somewhere beautiful and peaceful and just think, or clear your head?
Pete: yes thats what im saying
Pete: well said
Followed by him showing me his tattoos.. I complained that no one seems to have time to draw mine, and he asked me to explain it and what not, and he said he'd talk to someone. My response to that was "If you weren't married I'd kiss you on the mouth!" haha. I would've. I've been waiting for this tattoo for 2 fucking years. heh. Then we got into some discussion about if I walked up to Jake And Henri when we got to Nevada and kissed them on the lips (like a peck) and how his mother would kill me for kissing Jake. Then he dropped this FUCKING BOMB on me saying something along the lines of mom knows about everything. Jesus christ. I started shaking because I was scared that his mom might like secretly want to kill me now..
Somehow that discussion lead to us. Our break up. My thing with Jake. And I put two and two together.. If I hadn't been messing with Jake when Drew's recruiter came over, and she'd never made that comment, I really think, with time, things would've ended more respectfully. My heart broke last night, almost as bad as it did the night I broke up with him. It's easy to cast blame on your ex because you never want to admitt you're wrong. But I honestly never saw this angle, I never noticed how badly I fucking hurt him before we ever parted. Christ. I wish he'd have like punched me or something cuz that would've been better than feeling this immense guilt of realizing my blindness, my stupidity really is the reason for the end of us. I thought it was loss of love, or too controlling or too hard. No. It was me. My stupid fucking playful flirtiness that I never notice, was the end of it.
I don't regret us breaking up. I'm so happy with Adam. He's amazing and perfect for me, almost too perfect. And Pete has Tara, and they seem unbelieveably happy together, and he deserves someone who will love him unconditionally. I just really wish I hadn't hurt him and myself....
Somethings take time to realize, I guess this was one of them....