Esco & Koda fought yesterday and my dog is all cut up/beat up. Poor dog
Okay, so the last entry was kinda pointless....
Adam & I broke up
Him and Stephanie started dating yesterday
Kasey & I went over there and we watched Varsity Blues
Jake is now my favorite lol.
I am over my shyness with talking to Josh I guess
Adam and I had a talk..
I told him sometimes I think him and Pete get together and plot how they're gonna fuck with me..
He gave me this look of seriousness, hurt and anger and said "You know that's not true. You have to know this kills me too."
I told him I'm nervous about being his friend because of what happend before,
I didn't really tell anyone but it really did kill me that listened to her and we stopped talking and everything before.
I couldn't believe he did it.
He said he couldn't believe he did it either because I'm his best friend, and he won't let it happen again.
He already told her that we were still going to be friends,
we were still going to be friends regaurdless of what her friends say, it's not like that with us.
I told him the timing was fucked up, becuase the moment he did that was when I was relying on him most,
the equivelent would've been if he came to me when him & Steph broke up all hurt and upset, needing help
and I told him I couldn't talk to him or anything because Pete said so.
He brought up something about me not hanging out with people or w/e cuz I was waiting to call Pete
I told him it was a stupid mistake, but it wasn't like I could go anywhere anyway, everyone was gone.
When he told me about him telling steph we were still talkin & what not, he kinda raised his voice to me, which caught me off gaurd..
I want to believe him. I want to. I do inside. I really do. But I have this huge fear of him screwin me over again.
I don't want to be fucked over again. I told him that. I just don't know what's going to happen.
I don't know.
I wonder what his mom thinks of me though.
When we were talking I was sitting on his lap.
It was the easiest way to talk....
The Ipod thing was playin, Kasey was playing Resident Evil 4
So yeah.
I dunno.
I mean it wasn't really like that.
But I mean, when she came out I was really close up on his lap and Kasey was leaning in
We were watching the video for Miss Murder.
He started bouncing his knee when she walked out, it looked funky
but it was funny. lol. He was like "does that bug you?"
"....Honey, I told you, I like musicans. Alex used to use me as a drum set."
He laughed at me.
Then we started gettin' ready to leave
And his phone rings *He was in the bathroom*
We were going to answer it but it was Stephanie
She calls back a minute or two later
He goes "Really? Want me to come out there? okay. Bye"
and Kasey & I are cracking up.
Doubled over laughing.
He goes outside and we're left sitting there.
Eventually we went in Jakes room and had him go check the hallway to see if they were standin' there or somethin'
Cuz we had to go, we were gonna sneak out
Then Jake called him as he was on his way in lol
amusement
Then on the way out we had a discussion about inviting her to one of our parties and cooking her
Or using her as firewood or something. lol
ugh.
Good times.
I just don't want shit to be fucked up..
I dunno
My feelings are..confusing.
I go from happy and just Ahh!
To this sinking depression
It's shitty
I don't know what to do.
My away message lately has just been:
I want to burst into flames
I want to curl up in a ball and die
I want to bawl my eyes out
I want to be sliced into a milion peices
I want....to just feel normal again.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I'm hurt by this
I'm sorry I'm not what you want
I'm sorry I'm not what makes you happy....
I'm sorry all I seem to want to do is be in your arms where I no longer belong.
And that's how I feel most of the time.
I just..
I feel bad for him
Because like.. last night when we were leaving he's like "sooo, I'll call you when I get home tomorrow.."
"Oooh, hangin out with steph?"
"I'm going to her little sisters surprise party.. Her family really really likes me..."
"Ya know, you don't have to call, Adam."
"I know.. But I want to.."
"Okay then.. I'm holding you to it this time, then! hah"
Gawd.
How do you think that feels?
Maybe like having two girlfriends?
It has to suck.
His best friend hates his girlfriend, his girlfriend hates his best friend.
He can never hang out with his girlfriend and friends at the same time.
lol.
He picked me up too..fag. lol
Uhm...what else..
We argued over the whole me being beautiful/cute thing.
I told him everything he said while we were dating is considered a lie.
He said he wasnt
I mocked him saying "I feel like i'm the luckiest guy in the world." and started laughing
He said he felt that way, but then just got confused..
It was cute.
Honest.
Sweet.
I dunno.
He's my best friend, and that's all he'll be. I want it to be that way I guess, even though I liked it better when it was more than that.
*shrugs*
I told him to do what made him happy. Obviously that is her.