I Gotta Whipser Cause I Can't Be Too Loud....
The days are going by quickly now..
I start forgeting where in the week I am so I started marking off the calander as a reminder.
Yesterday was kinda rough.
First time in the entire time I've known him, I saw him keep a frown the entire time I was near him.
I felt useless. I felt like I was the worst friend ever.
Only because I couldn't make him even smile which is one of the easiest things to do with Adam.
He used to double over laughing at phrase "Oral Fixation". *sighs*
Whatever.
I realized who I was forgetting in the mornings..It was Ally. I don't really see her much..
I kissed her cheek on thursday..
I smiled when she was talking to everyone on Friday.
I know I had nothing to do with that, but I felt better that I finally acknowledge that she was around.
Got life is getting too insane.
It feels like standing in the middle of a tornado.
Where I am standing is calm but everything around me is whizzing by
Going down a very destructive path....
I couldn't sleep last night
Which was odd.
I've been in this routine for a week or so now
Go Upstairs, Change, Settle into bed, Read my book for a little bit, turn off the light, Call Pete for a few minutes, go to bed.
(The past few days its been call Pete THEN read because I had to bring the cellphone back downstairs)
Last night...weird..
We went to the twins game, came home, I started playin sims, kinda ate dinner, went back to the sims, then suddenly it was 11 P.M
I got on the computer for a while, chatted and whatever went to leave and got sucked into the web that is myspace.
Around like midnight maybe 1ish I called Pete to talk to him...Then went up stairs to read..
For some reason that I do not know, I borrowed Cut from Mrs. Perhogan to read
I haven't read that book in .. Gosh, I don't know, three years maybe?
I don't know.
I'm 102 pages in and I start crying..
Not just a few tears down my face like I do when I yawn..but not bawling to the point where I can't breathe
I just started crying.
I had to put the book down and curl up in a ball for a few minutes to try to relax
It wasn't working too well so I came down stairs and got back on the computer....
Pete logged on , or he was on or something, It was 3 AM here. We chatted a bit
I wrote a message to Sam on Greatest Journal.
I don't know why I did.
It just seemed appropriate, I guess.
"My Seminar teacher bought Cut as a book for the classroom.
I suppose it was stupidity and curiosity that drove me to borrow it.
*sighs*
I read that book and all I can think of is you..
Our habits
The character "Amanda" reminds me of you.
The old you.
The one that became a part of me.
I don't know if it was the book
or if it was the memories
or my stress and personal bullshit catching up
or the fact that it is raining
but I cried.
And for the first time in a long, long time, I missed us.
Way back then.
Shit seemed so hard that we did that..
But It was more the rush wasn't it?
The release?
Not the suicidal part..
Not the pain of having something sharp tear your skin?
I don't know."
It wasn't a bad comment.. Wasn't the best one either..
I ended up going to bed around 5 A.M..... I woke up at 10 something..
I don't know why I use this thing anymore.
No one reads it.
No I don't want your Goddamn comments saying you do read it.
Because they will be bullshit.
Complete and utter bullshit
Because if you can read the shit that I write
And still not even TRY to talk to me, then you're not a friend.
You're a stranger..
I don't want strangers.
I don't even think I want to be around people anymore.
No one should ever deal with shit like this.
Sitting at home everything remembering all these small details of events that happend years ago
Things that made them happy
Things that were fun.
No. That is torture on a person's heart.
On their sould. Their entire being.
I hate myself because I'm detached from people.
I talk and try to be normal but it's hard.
What the hell is normal for me?
Smiling makes my face hurt.
But Sadness makes people worried or upset or mad
and that hurts my heart more than the smiling hurts.
I would rather wear a mask with a fake smile, than have my heartache
because I know people are only listening because I'm Sad.
I feel bad for Pete.
I pushed him away.
Pretty far away.
He went from being top priority in my life
To being pushed back with everyone else.
That's like being one of the Gods then becomming a peasent mortal.
God I'm such a horrible person.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I feel like I lost control of my life.
Somewhere between my trip to Nevada and present day.
God I wish I had a cigarette.
I feel like an ass for not having my ID anymore.
Atleast then I could've started saving $$ to get a pack of cigarettes when need be.
Eh. I lied. I probably wouldn't buy a pack.
Too afraid of Mom and Dad being disappointed.
*sighs*
It's so confusing.
I want something.
I don't know what it is.
God, I miss cuddling.
I miss having someone hug me and it means something.
The way Pete hugs me, Jake, Henri, Drew, Alexander, Jeremy W (used to).
Like I'm more than fleshy balloon with arms..
No. Like I mean something to them, Like I am his girlfriend, sister, best friend or friend.
Like how Amy used to hug me when we were "Ginger & Brigitte"
When we were best friends.
God I miss having that.
I miss having friends.
Real Friends.
People who care.
People who don't disappear
People who wouldn't abandon me at my weakest moment
When I am ready to snap in two or curl up in a ball and wait for the bugs to eat my decaying body.
I miss having somebody care enough to noticed I'm lying when I say "okay"
Who can look me in the eyes and know that there is something wrong
Even even though they ask, they know some how
Like they're reading my mind.
Yes. That was always amazing.
*sighs*
Another thing in this world I realized I took for granted and is now gone.
I really do suck at this thing they call life.
It's a pathetic attempt so far.
Blah.
I don't know.
This stupid thing is so long I dont even know what the topic is anymore.
Whatever..
"Oh, I'm sorry for
Blaming you
For everything
I just couldnt do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just to hide
Cuz its you I miss...."
Tomorrow I am suppose to be going to this Battle of The Bands thing at the Hayloft for The New Rebellion
I am excited.
But I am scared.
Alot of people.
Alot of them I don't know
And the ones I do know I probably won't really talk to because I'm scared
I don't honestly know anybody anymore.
This scares me.
I start forgeting where in the week I am so I started marking off the calander as a reminder.
Yesterday was kinda rough.
First time in the entire time I've known him, I saw him keep a frown the entire time I was near him.
I felt useless. I felt like I was the worst friend ever.
Only because I couldn't make him even smile which is one of the easiest things to do with Adam.
He used to double over laughing at phrase "Oral Fixation". *sighs*
Whatever.
I realized who I was forgetting in the mornings..It was Ally. I don't really see her much..
I kissed her cheek on thursday..
I smiled when she was talking to everyone on Friday.
I know I had nothing to do with that, but I felt better that I finally acknowledge that she was around.
Got life is getting too insane.
It feels like standing in the middle of a tornado.
Where I am standing is calm but everything around me is whizzing by
Going down a very destructive path....
I couldn't sleep last night
Which was odd.
I've been in this routine for a week or so now
Go Upstairs, Change, Settle into bed, Read my book for a little bit, turn off the light, Call Pete for a few minutes, go to bed.
(The past few days its been call Pete THEN read because I had to bring the cellphone back downstairs)
Last night...weird..
We went to the twins game, came home, I started playin sims, kinda ate dinner, went back to the sims, then suddenly it was 11 P.M
I got on the computer for a while, chatted and whatever went to leave and got sucked into the web that is myspace.
Around like midnight maybe 1ish I called Pete to talk to him...Then went up stairs to read..
For some reason that I do not know, I borrowed Cut from Mrs. Perhogan to read
I haven't read that book in .. Gosh, I don't know, three years maybe?
I don't know.
I'm 102 pages in and I start crying..
Not just a few tears down my face like I do when I yawn..but not bawling to the point where I can't breathe
I just started crying.
I had to put the book down and curl up in a ball for a few minutes to try to relax
It wasn't working too well so I came down stairs and got back on the computer....
Pete logged on , or he was on or something, It was 3 AM here. We chatted a bit
I wrote a message to Sam on Greatest Journal.
I don't know why I did.
It just seemed appropriate, I guess.
"My Seminar teacher bought Cut as a book for the classroom.
I suppose it was stupidity and curiosity that drove me to borrow it.
*sighs*
I read that book and all I can think of is you..
Our habits
The character "Amanda" reminds me of you.
The old you.
The one that became a part of me.
I don't know if it was the book
or if it was the memories
or my stress and personal bullshit catching up
or the fact that it is raining
but I cried.
And for the first time in a long, long time, I missed us.
Way back then.
Shit seemed so hard that we did that..
But It was more the rush wasn't it?
The release?
Not the suicidal part..
Not the pain of having something sharp tear your skin?
I don't know."
It wasn't a bad comment.. Wasn't the best one either..
I ended up going to bed around 5 A.M..... I woke up at 10 something..
I don't know why I use this thing anymore.
No one reads it.
No I don't want your Goddamn comments saying you do read it.
Because they will be bullshit.
Complete and utter bullshit
Because if you can read the shit that I write
And still not even TRY to talk to me, then you're not a friend.
You're a stranger..
I don't want strangers.
I don't even think I want to be around people anymore.
No one should ever deal with shit like this.
Sitting at home everything remembering all these small details of events that happend years ago
Things that made them happy
Things that were fun.
No. That is torture on a person's heart.
On their sould. Their entire being.
I hate myself because I'm detached from people.
I talk and try to be normal but it's hard.
What the hell is normal for me?
Smiling makes my face hurt.
But Sadness makes people worried or upset or mad
and that hurts my heart more than the smiling hurts.
I would rather wear a mask with a fake smile, than have my heartache
because I know people are only listening because I'm Sad.
I feel bad for Pete.
I pushed him away.
Pretty far away.
He went from being top priority in my life
To being pushed back with everyone else.
That's like being one of the Gods then becomming a peasent mortal.
God I'm such a horrible person.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I feel like I lost control of my life.
Somewhere between my trip to Nevada and present day.
God I wish I had a cigarette.
I feel like an ass for not having my ID anymore.
Atleast then I could've started saving $$ to get a pack of cigarettes when need be.
Eh. I lied. I probably wouldn't buy a pack.
Too afraid of Mom and Dad being disappointed.
*sighs*
It's so confusing.
I want something.
I don't know what it is.
God, I miss cuddling.
I miss having someone hug me and it means something.
The way Pete hugs me, Jake, Henri, Drew, Alexander, Jeremy W (used to).
Like I'm more than fleshy balloon with arms..
No. Like I mean something to them, Like I am his girlfriend, sister, best friend or friend.
Like how Amy used to hug me when we were "Ginger & Brigitte"
When we were best friends.
God I miss having that.
I miss having friends.
Real Friends.
People who care.
People who don't disappear
People who wouldn't abandon me at my weakest moment
When I am ready to snap in two or curl up in a ball and wait for the bugs to eat my decaying body.
I miss having somebody care enough to noticed I'm lying when I say "okay"
Who can look me in the eyes and know that there is something wrong
Even even though they ask, they know some how
Like they're reading my mind.
Yes. That was always amazing.
*sighs*
Another thing in this world I realized I took for granted and is now gone.
I really do suck at this thing they call life.
It's a pathetic attempt so far.
Blah.
I don't know.
This stupid thing is so long I dont even know what the topic is anymore.
Whatever..
"Oh, I'm sorry for
Blaming you
For everything
I just couldnt do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just to hide
Cuz its you I miss...."
Tomorrow I am suppose to be going to this Battle of The Bands thing at the Hayloft for The New Rebellion
I am excited.
But I am scared.
Alot of people.
Alot of them I don't know
And the ones I do know I probably won't really talk to because I'm scared
I don't honestly know anybody anymore.
This scares me.