in lesser moments.
The music was loud and bad inside. Standing outside of the bar, I could still feel it shaking the boards underneath my feet. I rested my head against the beam and tried to make the world stop spinning. I could smell the food from work in the uniform I was still wearing, and the smoke in my hair from the cigarette I'd just finished.
It was freezing out. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and it took me a minute to realize it meant someone was calling. I looked to see who it was, hoping it was someone good. It was Jay from inside. I'd walked away from them to go to the bathroom about ten minutes ago, decided halfway there to go outside instead. I was tired of everyone touching me. Why was everyone touching me? I closed my phone unanswered and felt in my pocket for my keys.
Shit. They must've taken them while I wasn't looking. I tried to remember if I'd given them to anyone. Then I remembered I'd come over with Brooke, and dropped my car off at Matt's. I guess that meant I was in it for the night. No way they were leaving anytime soon.
The cars were still crowding the highway in front of me, even this late at night. I could hear them driving past just behind the trees that blocked my view. I thought I saw car that had run off the road a little in the distance. I squinted to see if I could see anyone. No, it wasn't an accident, there was a cop car parked just out of sight about a hundred yards away. I laughed despite myself. I guess it's a good thing I didn't drive.
There was a group of about six or seven middle aged men and women sitting at a table on the corner of the patio. The men were talking dirty and the women were laughing too loud. My feet were freezing. I stamped them and felt the tingly electricity run up my legs. I thought alchohol made you feel warmer? That's what I get for dressing like it wasn't December.
Two weeks until Christmas and I had most of my gifts already bought. Some were made. Most were helter skelter versions of what could have been sentimental if I'd've cared more. I had the most importants already under the tree. Mom. Jon...
I pulled out my phone again to if I'd missed any texts. I hadn't. Nothing. No one.
I chewed on the inside of my mouth and fought the urge to cry. Where did that come from? I wasn't emotional a second ago. I couldn't even decide why I needed to cry in the first place.
Annoyed, I sat down and put my back against the beam and faced the inside of the bar. I could see everyone laughing and swaying and touching. All of that false acceptance touching. Or the touching that lead to more touching behind closed doors. I was sick of both kinds.
I could see Brooke pull her red hair back exposing her neck. She leaned her head to the side and Matt poured the salt and put a lime in her mouth. Body shot.
I remember one time she told me, giggling over wine glasses in a corner booth in another bar, that body shots were soo tacky. A sign that a girl had been drinking way too much. That was before. Before she'd started dating matt, and before we'd started going out every night after work.
I hmphed. I guess body shots are classy if it's your boyfriend who gets to take them.
I wanted to leave.
I looked through my phone to see if I could call anyone to come pick me up.
Chrissy. No answer.
Jamie. No answer.
...I paused at Jon's name and decided I'd rather stay than call family.
"What are you doing!"
Jay grabbed me by the shoulders and scared me. I closed my phone.
"I just wanted some air. I'm trying to sober up," I said.
"Then I guess you don't want this then, huh?" He said, as he sat two drinks on the table.
One shot that was so dark I thought it looked like straight cola, and a glass of merlot. I waved them off. He said I had to take one or the other, he'd only made 30 bucks that night and he'd spent half of it on these drinks. I thought about it and sipped the merlot to avoid a sure black out with the shot of car oil. I smiled at him. He wasn't so bad. He looked good, and he'd always been nice enough to me. Had this crazy little grin, and an infuriating way of making me laugh when I was angry at work.
He started talking about how crazy Matt was about Brooke. I looked inside at them. They were laughing and talking with their faces close to one another. That's good I thought. They look happy. It's Christmas and I shouldn't be so judgemental. Maybe, it would work for them.
I listened to Jay talk about this other job he may be taking with a packing company. I wasn't completely uninterested. But I wasn't invested enough to answer correctly when he asked me what I thought about it. He laughed at me and said, "you're drunk."
I thought about arguing, but realized the merlot was all but gone. And I was warm, I definitely felt warm.
I felt myself lighten up a little. I was a little drunk. And Jay was making me feel a little better about....what had I been so upset about earlier? I don't know. Who ever knows...
...My phone beeped. Dangit. I'd missed a call. I looked at the missed call list to see if it was jamie or chrissy. It wasn't. It was an ex. I debated whether or not to listen to the message. decided to listen to it later. When it was quiet and I could hear it better.
Jay took me by the hand and started to lead me inside. I could barely hear him say he wanted to dance. I don't know if it was the idea of dancing with him, or last glass of wine, but I felt like I would throw up. I sat back down where I was.
He offered to take me home. Put his hand my leg.
I called Jon to come get me, deleted the message without listening to it on the way home, and slept until one the next day.