(no subject)
Today is full of nostolgia. Driving home from Tarus', I was overcome by thoughts. I'm always losing myself to memories, what could have been, what should have been. What brought on this onslaught of sadness? Christina's song, Hurt.
What would I say if I could see them again? What would I possibly say to explain why I didn't go? I don't know why I still berate myself for it. Seven years, and I still feel like scum. They lay in their death beds, and I never went to see them. How horrible was I? I loved them so much, and when they needed me, I wasn't there. Every year around this time, I get like this.
Our family isn't what it used to be. They were our glue. They made the holidays. I don't feel the joy. I haven't felt it in a long time. Dad says I'm just a cranky miserable person. Isn't that something great to hear from your own father? I know I have plenty to be happy for, but I just don't feel it. They say the holidays are for families. What the hell?
I alienated myself from both sides. Why? Beats me. I know I don't help matters any, but... Is it fucked up to say that it's easier to not be close with them?
What am I saying? How fucked up am I? Of course it's fucked up. I make no sense what so ever.
If thats the case. Why don't I want to see them? Why do I find it so hard to go and visit? Either side? Why do I get so nervous I feel sick to my stomach, just driving toward their houses? I haven't done anything bad, I haven't become some sort of criminal, drug addict, suicidal freak... So why is it hard for me to go? Why? I don't understand it.
Cancer's are supposed to be so family oriented. Why is the only family I feel close to, is my mom? What is it in my brain that says, Evette, only cling to your mom. Blame everything on your dad. Your mom is your savior? Why do I still harbor such hatred to the man who helped create me? He's an asshole at times. A very hard man to please. Someone who always compares me to him. 23 years, and I should know this. Why do I still feel so threatened by him? Afraid?
I know these are all questions I should be able to answer for myself. I know that I shouldn't even HAVE these questions.
I just want it to be how it was. I don't care if mom and dad are together. I just want the closeness there. I want it to be a happy thing, seeing family. I know it's my fault, and I should take the initative. I KNOW this. I just can't. I don't know how...
I want my life back.
Some new writing to reflect my current mood over in shattrdillusion