(no subject)
Growing up absolutely alone has been quite an interesting experience for me, I must say. I write this because once again, I am closing at work alone! I'm the ONLY person they trust that can run this desk by themselves, and you know why? Because I do EVERYTHING better alone!
Being an only child of divorced parents gave me a VERY independant frame of mind, but with that, absolutely no social skills. I guess as a child I was really strange, I've surpressed most of that because I KNOW I was alienated even though I looked like a normal kid. So somewhere in my adolescence I had already come to the conclusion that I didn't need anyone to survive. As exisistential as it sounded, it was right for me.
Finding a social group with my music was easy later in high school, but after a while I decided I didn't need them or EVER needed anyone so friendships faded...quickly. (Plus like everyone in chorus was so damn religious, I knew I was going to end a friendship badly with some relgious argument.) Still, I figured all I needed was myself.
So here I am as alone as I can get, only way I've survived as a beneficial member of society is because I'm not stupid, and am just facing reality as it comes to me. I question the stupidest things and why I should bother. "Why should I bother myself seeing my family, I'm just gonna sit around and distance myself from there in THEIR home when I can do it here without driving 200 miles", something like that.
I just don't trust the human -being-, anymore. Everyone's got their thing, I've got mine. Why do I NEED to be social, why do I NEED to talk to people? Do I NEED to let everyone know I don't believe in people anymore? Apparantly I do, heh.
I feel like I've lost my soul ever since I've stopped singing. But I also feel like I've gained a lot of sense. But why am I still sad about it...why am I still sad about ANYTHING?
That would be because of my goddamn memory...
-=Ryan
Being an only child of divorced parents gave me a VERY independant frame of mind, but with that, absolutely no social skills. I guess as a child I was really strange, I've surpressed most of that because I KNOW I was alienated even though I looked like a normal kid. So somewhere in my adolescence I had already come to the conclusion that I didn't need anyone to survive. As exisistential as it sounded, it was right for me.
Finding a social group with my music was easy later in high school, but after a while I decided I didn't need them or EVER needed anyone so friendships faded...quickly. (Plus like everyone in chorus was so damn religious, I knew I was going to end a friendship badly with some relgious argument.) Still, I figured all I needed was myself.
So here I am as alone as I can get, only way I've survived as a beneficial member of society is because I'm not stupid, and am just facing reality as it comes to me. I question the stupidest things and why I should bother. "Why should I bother myself seeing my family, I'm just gonna sit around and distance myself from there in THEIR home when I can do it here without driving 200 miles", something like that.
I just don't trust the human -being-, anymore. Everyone's got their thing, I've got mine. Why do I NEED to be social, why do I NEED to talk to people? Do I NEED to let everyone know I don't believe in people anymore? Apparantly I do, heh.
I feel like I've lost my soul ever since I've stopped singing. But I also feel like I've gained a lot of sense. But why am I still sad about it...why am I still sad about ANYTHING?
That would be because of my goddamn memory...
-=Ryan