a lot has changed my lovelies
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Edit::january 27th 2004 just read this for me.. even if you've already read it. Don't tell me what you think.. tell your self. Never throw away what you love. Make sure always to tell those who you love that you do. don't be hasty, selfish, self centerd..or shy...life is full of chances, so take them all.
Your white lies have blended to make blue...
on thursday evening Mckaye came to my house. My mother invited her to stay and eat dinner with us, and so she did. Now orange juice happens to be my favourite drink...so during dinner i got up to get my self another glass. As i got the drink out of the fridge, i glanced over at the table to see, My mother,cliff,mckaye, and my grandmother. They all looked so happy. They all looked like a family. I was for once not in the picture, It was like i had died, or never even been there, and i was just simply obsurving another being that took my place. Everything seemed so perfect. So i put the orange juice back in the fridge and closed the door, and felt the breeze of the cool air flowing out of the fridge. I made my way back over to the table and sat down, as if i had thought nothing, as if i had had no recolection of what just went on in my head. That is when the view became obscure...
So the next day came and went, nothing really important happend. The same routine as every day. Arrive at school, see scott, go to class, learn nothing...and the day passes by. Saturday me and my fauther went to get the car washed, and as we were waiting, everything was perfect. My life was so perfect at that moment, I was worrying nothing about the ones i loved. I was playing around with my dad, doing that stupid karate stuff jeff and robert do...you know...i kept glancing at the window that portrayed my reflection. this is the first time in the course of my life, that i looked happy and knew my self, that i was happy. My smile showed it all, the way i walked lightly, the way i laughed. In that moment i was free. I never wanted it to end, i only thought things could get worse. So the car was done and me and my fauther went to best buy, to spend my gift card i had recived from my grandmother. I bought sevreal cds, and ofcourse to celibraite this occasion we went driving. that is tippicly what we do when we get new cds. So off we went down preston road, me driving, and my good ol' dad in the passenger seat. Not knowing my destination, or if there even was one, i pressed on. I obsurved the surroundings around me. IN that fragment of time, i thought... Know one knows where i am except me and my fauther. No one susspects that i'm two hours away from where i'm supposed to be. To them, i am safe in my bed, or at a movie. in the city none the less.
It was like i was dead, and no one even knew...and that was nice. It started to get late, so we finally turned around. The rest of the night was pretty nice. We went to our neighbors house to play a game of some sort. I had a nice time...but then it was time to rest. So as i prepared to go to bed...i thought of how i was going do go....how i was going to leave...how i was going to never exsist again. I sliped into my pajamas and gave my father a hug and told him i loved him, and slid into bed. I layed there for about10 minutes and then blacked out. That night i had a dream, that my mother read every conversation i had ever had between anyone since we had moved in our new house. In the morning i awoke, which was today. I drug my self out of bed after my father woke me up around 12 or so...and retreated to my shower to think. Surtainly that dream could have not been a preminition, my mother trusted me, i though. My mother loves me, i told my self... And i knew she did.
On that drive i had took with my dad, we found a beautiful house. This house was not the kind of beautiful one might think. It was old, abandoned. there were holes everywhere you looked. I glanced inside the window and i saw what had happend, somone had tore the house apart. Every inch of it. The tv was left. It looked like it had been a tv from about the 70s it was on its side, a broken record player lay next to it. The stairs were old and rotted...and that was all i saw from the front window. Now i went over to the car to as my father if i could go in, and he said no, due to trestpassing. He said if i had had my camera then we could. So i begged him and asked him if we could come back on sunday night. his answer was yes.
So after i got out of the shower, dressed my self and ate, it was time to start my day, it was around230. I called scott to let him know i could not hang out with him, due to the fact my cousin had arrived into town unexpectedly. i visited, and he left, and my and my fauther were left on our own again. We went to my dads girlfriends house to play piano, because i had been having a craving. then we left...this time with my camera in the backseat. We drove again...to the house. After fourtyfive minutes we arrived. It was about five thirty, the sun was setting just right. It was pink, and yellow,and the clouds behind it swirled just right. I had a role of Black and White film, and i had a role of colour film. I steped into the back door that had been torn down. I began imedatly taking pictures...left and right. The house seemed so peaceful, yet looked so harsh, and unwanted. I felt like i belonged there. I felt at peace. I liked it. after taking 53 pictures of the house, we left, and i thanked it for its beauty. My and my father had been wanting to see Big Fish... so we checked the times and it was playing at seven thirty...so we made our way. We finally got to the theater, and found our seats, eventhough there were not many left concidering the fact we actually arrived there around seven thirty. We sat and ordered a drink. We laughed a little and joked around like we usually did. finally the movie came on...we watched...
Not knowing what to expect out of this movie i watched with open eyes...until they filled up with tears.
Life is so short. too short almost, but then you realize that it is just right.
As i watched the movie i learned that you need to tell the onesyou love, that you love them when you get the chance. I learned you don't need to tell them when you think the time is just right, because the time might never be right at all. Life IS just one story book...and the words are lovely. You can choose to belive the stories or not. There are more to things than just the facts. A story is told to be passed on, to be laughed over, to be cried over...it is told to make you laugh...most importantly to make you remember. So the next time you talk to your mom, your dad, anyone you truly love, and have no doubt about it. Tell them you love them...because you never know the next chance you are going to get to tell them...
So as i drove home from the movie i cried, I cried with joy,but mostly with sadness. I found out about my self that i am terrified of loosing anyone i care about. I am horrified to think about anyof them dying. I weep at even thinking about it. There are people in my life i have hurt...and i wish i still had the chance to say i love you to them, but i can't...that moment has alredy passed me by, that perfect moment never came. The thing that scares me the most is loosing my parents. They really are what has kept me together, despite their guidlines and rules. I love them and i don't ever think i can tell them enough. I learned that every moment in your life helps you learn. I wish i could tell ryan thankyou, i wish i could let him know that he hurt me, and that i am still okay with it. I wish my mother knew how much i appreciate her. and i wish she would believe for one moment that she is a great mother. I wish my dad knew how much i cared for him, and how much i want to help him with whatever he is going through. I wish i could tell cliff i love him. I know if i did things would be awkward between us. Which is maybe what needs to be aslong as it is said. I have learned that within one moment we all could be gone, and no one would be left to say anything. or at the whim of a note being sung by a beautiful child, a loved one could pass away. I have learned to say i care, even though the moment is not right...
I have learned to live...and so have you.
I love you...