(no subject)
yeah so trauma.....
ok here it is im gonna lay it all out on the line right here right now so maybe somebody can understand what im feeling right now.
i'll get to why I'm talking about this in a minuted.
I haven't really told anyone about this. Probably just Melissa and Tes, but probably not alot about it.
When i was around 14 or 15 i knew i was gay. At times I was scared about it yet i was willing to embrace it. So i did at times. I always say that emo kids where their hearts on their sleves. Well thats where i wore my sexuality. And that's where i wear it now. So one day i was hanging out with thus group of kids not far from my house and the started saying some really horrible things about gay people. Til this day i will not repeat anything of what they said. you know what fuck it i'll throw a few examples out there just to you help get the point across.
"Faggots should die"
"All the fucking fags should get AIDS and die"
" I hate those fucking queers they give AIDS to us good people"
Yeah theres a hell of alot more. The rest of them are alot worse. So i won't subject your petty minds to them. Well i tried to just laugh along with them and try to hide how much it was truly hurting me. After awhile though i just couldn't take it anymore so i spoke up. Im not going to go into detail of what happened after i spoke up but lets just say.... I got the shit beat out of me.
Till this day no-one really knew. Like I've said I've grown accustomed to hideing things real well. It's kinda funny but I think thats the first time I ever really wore make-up.
ANyway so I'm sure your wonder "why the fuck is she depressing us with this?"
Well ladies and quite frankly ladies I'm about to tell you so simmer down
Yesterday around 4 vano imed me and asked if i wanted to hang out with her and her friends around 7 that night. She said there would be guys there. I should have just listened to myself right then because i was saying dont go. But i knew my mom had to be doing stuff in my room that i couldnt be around for so i had to do something and Vano seemed like she really wanted me there to hang out with so on like zero sleep i ment.
Everything started out pretty well I got they had just arrived which was ok. Then a couple of other kids showed we sat down at a table everything was going fine.
Then after a little while this kid made a comment. Lets call this kid "asshole".
Not going to repeat the comment but it was a negative lesbian comment. I just let it slide it was like vano's night i didnt want to fuck with it. It kept eating at me the whole night though. Throughout the night he just kept making other stupid racist comments again I didnt say anthing. I mean he's not a bad kid but boy is he just fucking dumb. Like Iq level way way down there.
After awhile I just let go. It got to me. I was pissed byond belief. If you were there i say it kicked in right when i was staying away from everyone. I even told Bern that I didn't fit in with them. That I was just going to go back. Then vano and a whole bunch of people that were strangers were there. I just kinda stayed away from them because i was pissed and i didn't want to say anything or start anything. Though that didnt work because Vano and Bern know me. THey knew something was wrong so they came to me and i told them.
They were like "oh we'll hit him we'll hit hem" and i was liek whatever dont do anything just forget it. They didnt they went over and talked to him. They basically said I was gay and he shouldnt make comments like that.
I needed to get out of there nobody knew but me how much this was reminding me of what happened. I just needed to get away. so i started walking off. I knew if i stayed:
1) i was going to get in a psyical fight and hit the fucker.
2) cry hysterical.
3) feel like wanting to kill myself.
So i started walking away, which understan I felt it was in the best intrest of everyone that I do so. Yet vano kept following me trying to make sure that i was ok which is great that she did that but right then wasnt the time to be near me because i was about to crack i was about to talk out what happened to me years ago. They were screaming at me to just go over there and hit him..and i swear on everything that i love if i did that..if i went over there and hit him...he wouldnt have been getting up for awhile.
So i kept shruging her off trying to get her to just leave me alone let me chill for abit. I understand i may have been acting like a little shit but fuck give me a fucking break.
let me just say this before i continue
I WAS NOT TAKEING IT OUT ON THEM...NOT VANO NOT BERN NOT LANDI NOT MIKE NOT CHRIS NOT THE STRANGERS AND NOT FUCKING LIZ THE ONLY ONE I TOOK IT OUT ON WAS MYSELF AND THE ASSHOLE!!!
Annyway back to the story when we got back to ponfiel they bacically stopped but i kept on walking and i called my mother told her to come get me. Chris walked up to me and was being really sweet telling me how it reminded him of 8th grade and stuff i told him that it was just a little different. Thats when i admited it that i had been beatin up by fuckers who made stupid comments like "that's so gay". Yeah i admit it i just got up and walked away yeah that may seem harsh but i was on the verge of tears and i didnt want to cry infront of them so i walked away.
But i came back i talked to vano i told her about what happened to me. Not in detail. She said that I never told her about that. Though i could have swore i did. ANyway she was like you want me to go tell him that. I had sad something like yeah sure whatever so we walked back to this large group of people and she did it.
"sorry for all of you who are strangers...Christina here is gay..and she was beaten up a few years agofor being gay so understand that comments you might say might hurt her."
There was a bit more but understand I'm paraphrasing here. There was another comment in there she made about him not understanding. I swear i almost cracked up. Well as much as i could for the situation.
vano said to him maybe an apology is nessasary. That's when he came to me after she said that which from the begining made me feel like it was total bull shti. Then when he made his little shitty ass apology he couldnt even look me in the eyes.
He said something like "god this is so embarhassing" which i replied with it " no its not you know what is though me not excepting it and walking away." and thats what i did.
I saw him walk away later i found out that he was crying or whatever but you know what know he knows what i felt.
If you know me you know im not that harsh. You know there had to be a good enoguh reason for me to act like that. Vano told me to stand up for myself so i did, so dont go telling me that i took it out on my friends or your friends or anybodys friends because i didnt.
I talked to vano I think she knows i was sorry for everything that happened> i held it in for that long because what some people dont get about me is that i like seeing my friends happy and smileing i dont give a fuck about wheater im happy or not. And i really am sorry for what happened last night if i could live the day over again like tru lol i just wouldn't have went.
Yeah i've talked long enough i really miss melissa and i wish she would come online i need to talk to her. Also wish vano would too because i need to talk to her about last night. Bewcaus ei really didnt mean to let what happened happen and that i appreciate her sticking up for me because so few people have ever done that and it ment alot.
ok here it is im gonna lay it all out on the line right here right now so maybe somebody can understand what im feeling right now.
i'll get to why I'm talking about this in a minuted.
I haven't really told anyone about this. Probably just Melissa and Tes, but probably not alot about it.
When i was around 14 or 15 i knew i was gay. At times I was scared about it yet i was willing to embrace it. So i did at times. I always say that emo kids where their hearts on their sleves. Well thats where i wore my sexuality. And that's where i wear it now. So one day i was hanging out with thus group of kids not far from my house and the started saying some really horrible things about gay people. Til this day i will not repeat anything of what they said. you know what fuck it i'll throw a few examples out there just to you help get the point across.
"Faggots should die"
"All the fucking fags should get AIDS and die"
" I hate those fucking queers they give AIDS to us good people"
Yeah theres a hell of alot more. The rest of them are alot worse. So i won't subject your petty minds to them. Well i tried to just laugh along with them and try to hide how much it was truly hurting me. After awhile though i just couldn't take it anymore so i spoke up. Im not going to go into detail of what happened after i spoke up but lets just say.... I got the shit beat out of me.
Till this day no-one really knew. Like I've said I've grown accustomed to hideing things real well. It's kinda funny but I think thats the first time I ever really wore make-up.
ANyway so I'm sure your wonder "why the fuck is she depressing us with this?"
Well ladies and quite frankly ladies I'm about to tell you so simmer down
Yesterday around 4 vano imed me and asked if i wanted to hang out with her and her friends around 7 that night. She said there would be guys there. I should have just listened to myself right then because i was saying dont go. But i knew my mom had to be doing stuff in my room that i couldnt be around for so i had to do something and Vano seemed like she really wanted me there to hang out with so on like zero sleep i ment.
Everything started out pretty well I got they had just arrived which was ok. Then a couple of other kids showed we sat down at a table everything was going fine.
Then after a little while this kid made a comment. Lets call this kid "asshole".
Not going to repeat the comment but it was a negative lesbian comment. I just let it slide it was like vano's night i didnt want to fuck with it. It kept eating at me the whole night though. Throughout the night he just kept making other stupid racist comments again I didnt say anthing. I mean he's not a bad kid but boy is he just fucking dumb. Like Iq level way way down there.
After awhile I just let go. It got to me. I was pissed byond belief. If you were there i say it kicked in right when i was staying away from everyone. I even told Bern that I didn't fit in with them. That I was just going to go back. Then vano and a whole bunch of people that were strangers were there. I just kinda stayed away from them because i was pissed and i didn't want to say anything or start anything. Though that didnt work because Vano and Bern know me. THey knew something was wrong so they came to me and i told them.
They were like "oh we'll hit him we'll hit hem" and i was liek whatever dont do anything just forget it. They didnt they went over and talked to him. They basically said I was gay and he shouldnt make comments like that.
I needed to get out of there nobody knew but me how much this was reminding me of what happened. I just needed to get away. so i started walking off. I knew if i stayed:
1) i was going to get in a psyical fight and hit the fucker.
2) cry hysterical.
3) feel like wanting to kill myself.
So i started walking away, which understan I felt it was in the best intrest of everyone that I do so. Yet vano kept following me trying to make sure that i was ok which is great that she did that but right then wasnt the time to be near me because i was about to crack i was about to talk out what happened to me years ago. They were screaming at me to just go over there and hit him..and i swear on everything that i love if i did that..if i went over there and hit him...he wouldnt have been getting up for awhile.
So i kept shruging her off trying to get her to just leave me alone let me chill for abit. I understand i may have been acting like a little shit but fuck give me a fucking break.
let me just say this before i continue
I WAS NOT TAKEING IT OUT ON THEM...NOT VANO NOT BERN NOT LANDI NOT MIKE NOT CHRIS NOT THE STRANGERS AND NOT FUCKING LIZ THE ONLY ONE I TOOK IT OUT ON WAS MYSELF AND THE ASSHOLE!!!
Annyway back to the story when we got back to ponfiel they bacically stopped but i kept on walking and i called my mother told her to come get me. Chris walked up to me and was being really sweet telling me how it reminded him of 8th grade and stuff i told him that it was just a little different. Thats when i admited it that i had been beatin up by fuckers who made stupid comments like "that's so gay". Yeah i admit it i just got up and walked away yeah that may seem harsh but i was on the verge of tears and i didnt want to cry infront of them so i walked away.
But i came back i talked to vano i told her about what happened to me. Not in detail. She said that I never told her about that. Though i could have swore i did. ANyway she was like you want me to go tell him that. I had sad something like yeah sure whatever so we walked back to this large group of people and she did it.
"sorry for all of you who are strangers...Christina here is gay..and she was beaten up a few years agofor being gay so understand that comments you might say might hurt her."
There was a bit more but understand I'm paraphrasing here. There was another comment in there she made about him not understanding. I swear i almost cracked up. Well as much as i could for the situation.
vano said to him maybe an apology is nessasary. That's when he came to me after she said that which from the begining made me feel like it was total bull shti. Then when he made his little shitty ass apology he couldnt even look me in the eyes.
He said something like "god this is so embarhassing" which i replied with it " no its not you know what is though me not excepting it and walking away." and thats what i did.
I saw him walk away later i found out that he was crying or whatever but you know what know he knows what i felt.
If you know me you know im not that harsh. You know there had to be a good enoguh reason for me to act like that. Vano told me to stand up for myself so i did, so dont go telling me that i took it out on my friends or your friends or anybodys friends because i didnt.
I talked to vano I think she knows i was sorry for everything that happened> i held it in for that long because what some people dont get about me is that i like seeing my friends happy and smileing i dont give a fuck about wheater im happy or not. And i really am sorry for what happened last night if i could live the day over again like tru lol i just wouldn't have went.
Yeah i've talked long enough i really miss melissa and i wish she would come online i need to talk to her. Also wish vano would too because i need to talk to her about last night. Bewcaus ei really didnt mean to let what happened happen and that i appreciate her sticking up for me because so few people have ever done that and it ment alot.